To be fuming at my partner.

[BlackEyed]

It's half one in the morning. Me and DP have a 5 week old baby so obviously sleepless nights etc. I am breastfeeding and doing all night feeds so doubly exhausted.

Have just been woken up by phone ringing, at half one assume something important, after all who would call someone with a newborn at that time.

It's DP mum who has had a panic attack. She lives with her adult son who is home in bed but rather than wake him clearly feels disturbing our tiny amount of sleep is the thing to do.

I pass the phone to DP expecting her to tell her mum not to phone at.this time, has woken us up etc. but no DP not only says it's ok for ringing but says to ring again if she needs anything, wtf!

I'm so annoyed that DP is so obsessed with treating her own mum like a child (saying don't worry, will ring you in morning etc.) that she doesn't give a Fuck that my tiny amount of sleep has been disturbed.

It takes me ages to get back asleep once awake and baby is due a feed soon so hardly seems worth it.

I'm at the end of my tether, I really thought having our own child would make DP realise how unhealthy her relationship with her mother is but clearly not. I'm sick of being second priority now and am starting to think it's time to walk away.

DP is now sleeping in another bed and thinks I'm wrong to feel like this

So AIBU to think that MIL should not have rang and AIBU to be fuming at DP for enabling this behaviour?

In the short term, your DP needs to have her mobile under her pillow on vibrate, or something. it is daft for MIL to be ringing the house phone, which is bound to wake you all up.

In the medium to longer term, it sounds as though you two have a lot of things to work out. The DP/MIL relationship sounds very skewed. I don't buy the 'just being a good daughter' line, because this degree of involvement is over the top, especially if MIL has an adult child living at home who could help shoulder the burden

Unplug the phone. If DP not likey DP can move home with mummy! Mean I know, but having done breast feeding baby thing like the other mums here,
SLEEP IS EVERYtHING!!
Good luck and good on you for breast feeding.
PS perhaps DP if it is a she is jealous cos you are a mum and she isn't?
DPs mum may be jealous too?? Cos you had baby and not her daughter?
Just a thought..

I remember a previous thread about your mil, so I think that overall yanbu. I think that if someone has a panic attack, then it's okay to call their dd (even if it is at 1.30 in the morning), but it is not okay for your dp to be making decisions which affect both of you, without proper consultation.

When you are sleep deprived, with a new baby, it is not the best time to make long term decisions - I could have very easily split up with my dh in the early weeks following the birth of ds1. Sleep deprivation does not help a relationship, even one which has no issues, so I can only imagine what it does when there are real problems to iron out.

That said, I think that when you have calmed down, you need to have a proper talk regarding what is and what isn't acceptable. It would be a deal breaker for me, if dp gave his mum all our money, without my consent (or knowledge). Your dp needs to see now that she is in a partnership and cannot unilaterally make choices, which affect you, without asking you first.

I also wouldn't be happy with lack of employment, due to all the sick days caring for her mum. She's got responsibilities to you and your children now and cannot afford to live like this any more. Otoh, I wouldn't mind the middle of the night support for someone having a panic attack.

I guess this is my long winded way of saying, you need to draw your own lines in the sand and make clear to dp that either she is in a proper relationship (where she consults you) or she isn't.

From a practical sense, I think I would want money in an account which she couldn't access, because there is no way on earth I'd want to be left in a situation where I had no cash, not if I had dc depending on me. Not sure if there is a future though, when you cannot trust someone financially.

Out of interest, why did you not say a straightforward no to mil coming on the holiday? You might need to stop making it easy for your dp to just do all this stuff - if my dh had sprung that on me, words would have been had and a lot of them would have been 'no fucking way'

No, really don't think YABU-I say this as the mum of a 2 year old dd & 8 month ds who were both BF babies. If anyone had rung our house at 1.30am when they were very small for anything other than life or death I would have gone round to their house & created a life or death situation

Would tell her she either cuts apron strings or you cut your losses.

Your DP sounds thoughtless towards you and over-involved with her own mother. She is enabling her by being at her beck and call. The mother does have another adult in the house, but obviously doesn't get such a sympathetic ear so rings her DD.

You need to unplug the phone at night and your DP needs to think carefully about where her priorities lie.

She should be putting the baby first then looking after herself and you. I am afraid parents have to take their turn once children need looking after. Most GPs are mature enough to see this.

Oh no I really do feel your pain :( I'm another one who's MIL is the most self absorbed person in the whole world.

I don't have any suggestions except to talk to your DP about it. It's such a hard subject though, people get too defensive over their parent s

I hope you sort it, please share any tips you have!

Is this a joke?

Yes yabu! And selfish!

Yes your bfeeding at night, as am I, I am also currently very I'll and so is my dd who is 4. I had in total 3 and a half hours sleep last night and if I can see yabu then so should you.

Dps mother was clearly destressed. And your considering leaving you do because a phone call woke you up? There must be a lot more to this story if you feel so strongly about this.

It is absolutely awful being so tierd but please try and think rationally about this and re read your post after some sleep.

Hope things work out op

Yes, reread the post in two fucking years when you have finally had some sleep. DM was distressed but she could develop coping mechanisms. DP and DM are colluding in NOT developing these. I would have torn DMIL a new one if she had tried this and I loved her dearly.

Yanbu. Who the actual fuck would ring someone at 1.30 in the morning? I get mildly annoyed when someone rings after 8pm here! That said, you need to talk to your dp when have had a bit of calm down time about it and see what you can do, now isn't the time for deciding if this is a make or break issue.

I would tell dp that you are unplugging the house phone between the hours of Xpm-Xam and do it. If she wants to remain contactable in the middle of the night she can put her phone on vibrate under her pillow, and she can pick up but leave the room before she actually answers iykwim - just because she wants to be over responsible for her mum doesn't mean you have to be too.

You have to sort something with the oh because the MIL obviously is not that concerned about disturbing you, and telling her not to call will probably make her worse and need to call more. x

Maybe MIL doesn't feel that her son can help when she is panicking. I really do understand about the lack of sleep, but MIL wouldn't have been rational during the attack and would have reached for the person who could help the most.

It can be really irritating to see grown women (MIL) being babied by their children-my youngest sister does that with my mum and it drives me loopy!!

Sounds like you need to have a chat with DP when you are both feeling calmer and have a chat with MIL so that she too has support but without it causing a negative affect on any of the people involved. Maybe buying her a relaxation CD to help calm her or helping her get referred for CBT or something.

Good luck x

"I really thought having our own child would make DP realise how unhealthy her relationship with her mother is"

Doesn't work like that I'm afraid.

I suspect you need to be much clearer and to give her a choice: either she stops doing XXX with her mum (give clear examples), or you and presumably dc leave. If you aren't ready to do that then you still need to be clear and unemotional about what you can and can't accept.

You are understandably knackered at the moment. If you ever have a slightly less knackered moment then that's the time to have the discussion.

It sounds like you have a lot of relationship work to do, but you can only do it when calm, and I like someone's idea of the mobile phone on vibrate under the pillow so you can still sleep. Also bear in mind that the fact that your DP is so caring will be something that you love about her too - if she was a different, less caring person perhaps she'd find it easier to draw the boundaries but she wouldn't be the person that you love. As you will know, during a panic attack isn't a good time to do that - reproaching someone for calling you in the middle of a panic attack is pointless, better done when everyone is calm.

She will therefore need a lot of help drawing these boundaries and I think it sounds at the level where it would be helpful to involve a professional, especially as her relationship with her mother has a knock-on effect on her own mental health (her own panic attacks). Long term, that should help, and also you staying calm and supporting her to draw boundaries.

OP you say that MIL has a partner as well as having a son at home. Are they both chocolate fire guards? YANBU. If DP persists in having the phone switched on after bedtime insist she sleeps in another room with it and the baby