about AP and MIL

[thepinksamantha]

Wasn't sure whether to post this, after, ahem, the other MIL thread, but need to ask this question.

When I was pregnant with DS1 (now 4 months), MIL and SIL sent me several books on attachment parenting, which SIL and MIL apparently practiced with all their children . At the time, all that co-sleeping, baby carrying etc sounded very lovely and sensible so I was happy to chat about it.

BUT but but...fast forward a few months on and I realised my parenting style (to date) falls slightly nearer the Gina end of the spectrum. I like routine, I like putting DS down for naps, I HATE slings, co-sleeping frightens me and I'm a failed BFeeder. I'm also very happy to leave DS with trusted family and have been from early on.

MIL is clearly a teeny bit horrified whenever she sees me put DS down for naps in his cot or when I don't run to him at the first little grizzle ("I never let my babies cry EVERRRRR" is a common one) or go out for a while without him. She is forever quoting that Continuum book and the importance of the 'in arms' period.

Nothing against AP, just really not my thing and DS has been an independent soul since day 1 and never a huge fan of cuddles, though he gets plenty from me anyway!

DS is loved, fed, watered and thriving. So WIBU to ask MIL (nicely) to give it a rest?

Oh I hate that continuum book, I had friends who read it and had big superior attitudes when they saw me do things they didn't believe in. I used a stroller, my back couldn't take a baby over about 15lbs and baby number 1 and 3 used bottles. Big freaking deal, in 100 years no one will give a toss.
I was a semi AP, I did what suited me and my children and left the rest behind. Your baby your choice. If they get too in your face preachy I'd tell them that they had their chance to raise kids their way, now it's your turn and you are doing what works best for your child.

I read the continuum book and contented little baby book when ds was a baby and decided they were both a load of bollocks and did things my own way!

IMO YWNBU to ask MIL (snippily) to give it a rest. I think it is very vain of her to think that the way she chose to do it is the only way it SHOULD be done. Each to their own.

Yes YWBU to ask her to give it a rest. Doesn't sound like she's terribly over bearing in the grand scheme of things, you could just say that you're doing what works for you (nicely) rather than telling her to give it a rest directly.

Can we swap MIL's please?

Mine thinks that because I lean more towards the AP side of the parenting spectrum I should be reported to Social Services for child abuse (I mean still breastfeeding a 2 year old, what is wrong with me) and for spousal abuse (DD still comes into our bed around 5:30 am so DH has to share his space for a whole 45 minutes).

Seriously though, she needs to back off and stop being so preachy. It's all about finding what works for your family. A good friend of mine wanted to follow AP but her DS won't sleep in with them, self weaned from the breast at 8 months and hated his sling with a passion, he enjoys routine and (sorry for saying it) GF style parenting works for him.

Why would you even care?? If u r happy and baby happy then there's no problem.

Just smile at mil, nod sweetly and if she gets too much just tell her straight her way was fine for her babies but it's your way with yours.

Yes tell her to give it a rest!! Your DS isn't her baby and if you and him have a happy routine going then why change it?

I think one of the problems is that those AP can give the impression that not doing AP will damage your child for life, which isn't true at all. Could you point out that the most important thing in parenting is being sensitive to your child's needs, and your child prefers a little more space?

Sorry should read 'those AP books'

That's a good point Jelly, it's really annoying how those books present one choice as the only way forward! In MIL's mind, I'm a wicked dictator. Doesn't help that I keep accidentally referring to DS's routine as his 'regime'

Perhaps point out to her that attachment parenting has the idea of following your baby's cues at its heart. If your baby is telling you clearly that he doesn't want to be "attached" to the extent that MIL thinks he should, then it would defeat the whole object of AP to continue trying to force it on him.

I use another, strongly AP, forum and I did once see a thread where someone was getting distressed because their baby didn't want to be carried, and preferred its own cot. The mum was nearly frantic because she wasn't doing AP "properly". It was gently pointed out that she needed to think about being "baby led" rather than AP, otherwise it was about her wishes, not the baby's needs.

I sort-of do AP - slings full time, co-sleeping, BF-ing and no routine, but I certainly don't think that just because it works for us, it works for everyone.

Glen co-sleeping at 2, well frankly I am disgusted and will be reporting you for crimes against Gina immediately

I bet you're one of those types who insisted on not having sex
with DP after childbirth until you felt 'ready'

(wanders off tutting)

How bizzare that's she's pushing it on you so much.

Have you had the honest discussion with her that full blown AP'ing isn't for you? I would be honest with her and tell her that what might have worked for her children doesn't work for yours and whilst you appreciate her advice, you are sticking to what you are doing.

I too am more of the AP spectrum but haven't read the book you mentioned nor had heard of AP until someone asked me if I was an AP parent (erm no, I'm just a parent) Have since done some reading and I do like the philosophy but it isn't for everyone and that's fine too.

You could retort with "babies don't read books"?

I agree with Panda, meeting a baby's needs is at the heart of AP parenting so if your baby likes his naps at certain times then you are meeting his needs surely!?

Why can't people just let you parent the way you want and see fit.