about my mum cleaning my house

[misslinnet]

I know I am really being horribly ungrateful and slatternly but my mum is really winding me up right now. So am feeling a bit ranty.

She came round to visit, arrived while DS was having a nap. So I asked her if she would like a cup of coffee and a biscuit while I finished doing the dishwasher.

Mum accepted a glass of squash, but instead of drinking it, has decided to help me out (unasked) by putting things in the recycling - and asking with every item if it gets recycled, pointing out things that I should be washing by hand, asking where she should put things that we haven't put away yet, cleaning the pretty clean already table, and then vacuuming. While DS is still sleeping.

I don't quite know how to stop her without upsetting her. Mum can get a bit obsessive about cleaning and tidying when places don't look like show homes. Last time she visited, I told her to stop tidying and cleaning and sit down and relax, and then she burst into tears and accused me of being unappreciative. Which I know I am.

I think next time I should make sure DS isn't napping. He's great at distracting her.

I'd love my mum to cone and help me clean! She doesn't ever do it, but she is great with my dd, so can't complain!

Yanbu. She appears to have forgotten that you are an adult and have your own house now.

It's not ungrateful because it's not helpful if you would prefer her not to do it. She is being a bit OTT by crying about it. Are there other issues?

My dh does things like this sometimes, then he expects me to be grateful because he 'was only trying to help', even if I don't need or want his help and the result is extremely unhelpful.

Is she depressed?? It's a bit OTT crying about it but maybe there is another issue.

She probably gets pleasure from cleaning so let her help you. Why don't you like her cleaning?

YANBU, it would annoy me too. It's different if you ask her to help, or she asks if you need help, but to just start cleaning your home because it doesn't meet her standards is rather rude.

She may well feel that she is helping, could you explain that you don't need your house to be spotless and really you'd much rather sit and have a natter when she visits? Or if that woudn't work make an excuse to meet her out somewhere for a coffee instead?

I too think she probably thinks she is doing what she can to help her dd out, remembering how hard it can be sometimes when you have little ones. I'd leurve someone to come and help me do some tidying / cleaning.

yanbu, you have to keep just saying no thanks mum - its fine, leave it. eventually she may get the message
my mum cries too if she doesnt get her own way and gets annoyed about being told not to do things in my house/garden, so i get how you feel it is annoying even if they think it is "helpful"

remind her (nicely) that she is a guest.

I don't know if yabu because I'd love some help with cleaning!

You can help me though, I'm feeding my friends cat at the weekend as she's away, her house is very muddy caused by hers and my boys, I was going to have a little tidy as a surprise for her. Should I not then?

Send her around my house.

She sounds like shes just trying to help.

Send her round my house! I'd welcome her with open arms to tidy my pig stye!

If your son isn't able to distract then maybe you have to stop to 'sit and chat' with her. That way if you're not doing anything then maybe she won't be tempted to 'try to help'.
I find it difficult when I am round at someones house that I know is busy, they're doing something and I'm expected to just sit on my hands - I can't resist picking up a tea towel or doing something - although normally I ask what can I do rather than just start doing something.
If someone puts the kettle on but then sits to have a natter then there's no urge to help out - quite happy to then relax and just chat with them...
(and hopefully when your son wakes up, he can then distract and you can maybe get some of those little jobs done)

Sounds like she is trying to help. But giving out orders can be a bit of a pain in the neck. Oh don't you.... you should always ....... I'd never ...... and so on.

I know she's only trying to help, I feel very mean getting annoyed about it. She's like that in her own house as well, she has one of the cleanest and tidyest houses I've been in.

I really would much rather she would sit and have a drink and a chat instead. It makes me feel like I don't meet her exacting standards.
But very difficult to say so without causing upset and I really don't want to upset my mum when she's only trying to be helpful.

Maybe I should follow above advice about meeting her out somewhere for coffee.

Is everything ok with her? The crying sounds a bit ott - could there be something upsetting her? I only ask because I go on mad cleaning frenzies when I'm stressed!

My mum is also a 'showhome' cleaner and over the years has turned my dad into one too. She suspect she bites her tongue a lot in my house which is always hygienic but not always tidy and clean by a long way. Sometimes I'll come home from work (she looks after the dc) and find that she's cleaned the bathroom or the kids' bedrooms but it's never bothered me. If it makes her happy I let her get on with it. Occasionally she will ask if I want her to come over and help 'clean the house', again doesn't bother me. She knows I have a very different attitude to housework than she does. She's not judging me, she just knows I'd rather spend my time doing other things. I've actually said this to her on many occasions. Have a chat with her, she just wants to help.

I'd hate it too.

I think, if you are a bit of a cleaning-monster, it is quite hard to switch off in someone else's house. It is just second nature to wipe things down, plump cushions, take things out to the bin...

You could just point her in the direction of a few jobs that you hate doing and then sit back and relax. That's what my daughter does when I visit, anyway .

My daughter does that too

OP this would annoy me too, it's like saying "I don't approve of the standards in your house" its very intrusive. DH told me a while back that his mum 'judges' us on the state of our house, I've made a conscious effort not to tidy up when they come round - I tidy and clean for myself not anybody else!

I'm happy for my mum to help with the washing up when she's round (in fact if she's helped make the mess I welcome it) but anything else would be stepping on my toes.

Talk to her and explain how you feel. I hate all this 'we must be grateful for things people do/give to us' - if those things are unwanted we just feel like crap twice over. You don't have to be cruel, just tell her you don't want her tidying or cleaning your things, failing that ban her from your house ;-)

Why don't you tell her that when she cleans it makes you feel you're not up to her standards? She'll either apologise and stop or apologise that her actions make you feel that way as that isn't what she thinks at all, but please can she still help?
Maybe if you talk to her you can benefit from her cleaning, but won't feel she's judging you?

Once when dp and I were not living together we were offered his uncle and aunt's house to stay in while they were on holiday. Leaving I filled the fridge, changed their sheets and did their ironing (it was in a pile in the corner of the sitting room, I didn't go rooting). They were both mortified and delighted, and still talk about it.
I can understand not wanting your mum to be criticising you though, my mum does, and not just because I'm so untidy so now I just meet her in her house or in a cafe :)