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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel guilty...(Long!)

21 replies

cherrypieplum · 08/06/2012 14:14

My very aged nan is in a nursing home and hasn't recognised any family members in some time. I haven't seen her for ages but I live about 20 minutes away. I have an uncle, who livesaway, who contacts me from time to time to say they've been to visit her and how she is. It makes me feel so guilty that I haven't seen her.

In my defence (if I have one) they and other uncles/aunties moved away young whereas my father and me and my siblings lived locally and did a huge amount for my nan and grandfather so their popping back and fore is not a great deal in the grand scheme of things. It's not like they've charged back and taken her in to their own homes or that they visit even monthly.

My family and I have been estranged from my father and brother (both have been verbally abusive and brother has threatened me physically too) after my father remarried some idiot and me and my sister were thrown out (me mid-A'levels). I'm not scared of them but I just don't see why I should put myself through that again. My father has moved my nan out of other nursing homes and even hospitals when he's found out family members have visited her so I'm also concerned for her welfare.

Also I work long hours, don't drive, it's not a direct route and I've also asked them to let me know when they go so I could maybe go with them (safety in numbers) but that hasn't happened.

I feel so bad because she did a lot for me when I was growing up as my parents divorced and my dad had custody of me. I did not have a happy childhood and going back to my home area brings back so much grief and crap. When I was kicked out I moved in with my ex who turned out to be even more abusive(!) I also don't think my family realise/believe just how bad things got for us as kids and I do wonder how much they think the estrangement between me, my sister and my father is actually six of one half a dozen of the other. Also my sister did far worse out of it and actually has some serious health and mental health problems, as does her child. I haven't exactly seen anyone from that side rally around for them.

So AIBU not to visit someone who won't know me and won't actually gain anything from my being there? Especially when just writing this has reduced me to tears?

OP posts:

Marymaryalittlecontrary · 08/06/2012 14:20

I think that if she did a lot for you and you got on well with her before she stopped recognising you then you should go and see her.

I understand there are other problems but I think you'll regret it if you don't at least try. My MIL didn't see her mum for a few years before she died and although she claims it wasn't her fault I can tell she feels very guilty about it now that it's too late.

Incaminka · 08/06/2012 14:24

Can you not send her some lovely cards and pictures? Would that help? I'm sure she would enjoy them even if they didn't trigger memories.

I would not want to see yout father/brother again. If you wrote to the uncle explaining the real history, how would that be received? If badly, don't bother.

Gentleness · 08/06/2012 14:25

YANBU but you may regret it all the same. You'll miss her so much when there is no chance of seeing her again so it might be worth trying to plan in a visit if you can find a way that'll work. Seeing her might help you more than you know - even if it doesn't, it might be a sort of goodbye. That sounds so horrible - hopefully other posters will put it better than I can!

Sounds like you have had such an awful time. Maybe your uncle understands more than you realise and is keeping you informed to help you out? Or maybe it is time he realised your dilemma.

Sexolette · 08/06/2012 14:25

Just go and visit her and stop making excuses!!

As a grandchild in a similar position to you I understand your reticence, bit can you imagine nobody visiting you when you are the one in a nursing home?

MammaTJ · 08/06/2012 14:34

YANBU, I am a carer in a home and tbh, if you were to turn up and be upset, she would pick up on that in the same way as small children do and it would be unsettling.

Original poster

cherrypieplum · 08/06/2012 14:35

Can I ask how similar Sexolette? Are your family abusive or try to move your elderly grandparent if you visit? Because if you've dealt with that and have strategies to help then I'd really welcome them.

Thank you Inka, Mary and Gentle. I don't think my uncle really 'gets it'.
My immediate family was/is hugely dyfunctional but the uncles/aunties are nicely middle class with close loving families. I feel a bit Jeremy Kyle if I go into too much detail about it all.

I took her photos and things last time but they didn't mean anything. She went through them but I don't think she's capable of that now.

OP posts:

Original poster

cherrypieplum · 08/06/2012 14:37

Thanks Mamma. If I thought she'd make huge gains from seeing me then I'd be up in a flash. When she was conherent she'd get really confused and couldn't remember why I didn't see my father which was stressful too her.

OP posts:

Inertia · 08/06/2012 14:47

I think you will regret it if you don't see her.

When my nan suffered a brain hemorrhage and was barely conscious for nearly a year before she died, I drove a 10 hour round trip every 3 weeks to see her. ( I was working 70 hour weeks and had a toddler ) . She rarely acknowledged anybody's presence, and it was heartbreaking to see her like that, but I wouldn't trade that time.

If you think that seeing your nan won't mean much to her, it might mean more to you than you realise.

lunar1 · 08/06/2012 14:49

I think you are posting because you know you are being unreasonable. Of course you should visit her. Before I trained as a nurse I was a carer in a home. I found it so distressing to see so many residents abandoned with so few visitors.

Inertia · 08/06/2012 14:51

Cross posts sorry - might be easier to avoid family talk. Can you maybe chat about more general things - Jubilee celebrations maybe, grand often love the royal family. Or her own childhood? Childhood memories are often last to fade.

No idea how to deal with your father's antics I'm afraid. He sounds horrendous.

thegreylady · 08/06/2012 14:52

YABU-she is your nan and cared for you when you needed her.Now she is old and ill and confused-cant you spare just a little time every couple of weeks for her to hear your voice or for you to stroke her hand?She may not recognise you but she will identify a loving gesture.
This isnt about you now-it is about a sick old lady who was there when you needed her.If you dont do this you will regret it when she is gone.

camdancer · 08/06/2012 14:54

What about sending a card or postcard to her each month? I can't get to see my Gran in her nursing home, so I send her a card each month with some pictures of my DC's on. With your family, you might not want to do that, but I'm sure she'd appreciate just a normal postcard with a short "Hi, thinking of you" type message. My Mum used to send one of her relatives cards even though this relative was pretty much out of it. When this lady died, they found all Mum's cards in her purse that never left her side. Sometimes things like this have much more impact than it first seems.

MarySA · 08/06/2012 14:57

YABU. If she's your nan and did a lot for you when you were little, then you should visit. Even if it's only once every two or three weeks.

Naoko · 08/06/2012 15:04

That sounds horrendous - is there part of you that actually would like to visit your gran, but just can't handle the associated shite? (which is completely understandable!)

Would it help if you contacted the nursing home she's in and asked if it would be possible for them to work with you so you can visit without your father finding out that you have? It doesn't sound like your gran would be able to tell him, so if you don't either, the staff keep shtum and you go up alone, you'd be able to see her without anyone the wiser. I think it can be very bad for people who suffer dementia to be moved from a familiar environment, so it would be in your gran's interest if the staff helped you prevent your father doing that for no reason other than that family has visited her.

girlgonemild · 08/06/2012 15:08

I do think you should visit. My gran had alzheimers and didn't engage much but in a 30 minute visit you would get one moment of 'I love you' or a special squeeze of the hand. There is always more going on in dementia patients heads than you know and there are often brief moments of clarity. Especially if they have that old feeling of familiarity/love/care around them. I think she would really appreciate a visit in some way even though it may not appear so to you.

I think your really clouding the issue at hand with all the family history. It sounds awful, but it doesn't necessarily have a direct bearing on you going to visit your gran. It's 20 minutes away!! (I travelled 2-3hrs for 30 minute visits with my gran with a baby. I didn't go often 2 x in 6 months but at least better than nothing). You could walk or get a taxi. You don't have to tell anybody you have gone/will be going and you can mention the reason to a nurse/carer whilst there and your dad doesn't need to know.

Don't mean to sound harsh to you but I find it tragic how the elderly get left so alone these days. I also think when she is gone you will regret not going even if it's once in a blue moon that you manage to get there.

JumpingThroughHoops · 08/06/2012 15:08

How does your father move her? Don't his siblings have any say in the care of their mother? (I am assuming that the uncles and aunts that you talk of are your fathers siblings).

If he does do this with regularity, then perpetual moves can be unsettling. If your presence is going to cause another change of care home which will be detrimental to her failing mental health, then perhaps it's wise not to visit. Or not make your visits obvious.

Who has control of her finances?

Original poster

cherrypieplum · 08/06/2012 15:11

I really, really want to see her Naoko. I realise I'll regret it if I don't (I already feel enough now) but my father once moved her after she broke a bone because an uncle visited(!) and I'd hate to cause her pain or stress.

It's a lovely idea with the postcards and such a good idea to talk to the nurses about it too.

OP posts:

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 08/06/2012 15:11

YABU!

Original poster

cherrypieplum · 08/06/2012 15:12

That came out wrong. He moved her from a hospital to another after breaking a bone.

OP posts:

Original poster

cherrypieplum · 08/06/2012 15:16

He has full control Jumpingthroughhoops. Always has done since my grandfather died.

Also the issue if bumping into my father or brother there. They aren't ones to be respectful of where they are.

OP posts:

lovebunny · 08/06/2012 17:33

sometimes its harder to stay away.

i went to see my gran every saturday i could when she went into a home. it took precious time out of my hectic weekend (single mum, only the one slot a week when ex might take dd on an access vist). gran didn't understand much and would constantly tell me her mother lived across the road. i would explain that she didn't and that who her family were and where we lived. she said 'if you only want to upset me, why do you come?' i didn't want to upset her. i stopped going. not for me, for her.

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