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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling snubbed by old friend, AIBU?

29 replies

DublinMammy · 08/06/2012 12:04

OK so my oldest friend (since we were 10 so a 28 year friendship) asked me to be godmother to her DD, born last year. Really delighted. We have just been discussing the christening which is happing in July. She lives in UK so we will fly over from Ireland, so far so normal. Then a couple of things came up which made me feel a bit weird. She casually mentioned "the other godmothers" - plural.... Turns out I am one of 3 godmothers which I thought was odd. "Don't feel any less special, Dublin" she said. It's not about me feeling special but I just thought it was odd to have 3 godmothers - has anyone else come across this?

Then we were talking about accommodation and she said could I sort out a room in the local pub (they live in a very rural area). OK I said, no problem but THEN she started listing all the people who would be staying with them (they have a big house and an extra cottage on the farm) and basically of the 30 or so people attending we are the only ones who will be paying to stay in the pub while EVERYONE else is put up either at their's or at their in-laws (5 miles away). I feel quite hurt by this and very definitely left out.

We have had our ups and owns over the years as all friends have but I feel very confused by this. Her former nanny is staying at the house for example while we are told we need to get a room at the pub. AIBU or is this all a bit odd?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 08/06/2012 12:08

more than one godmother is fine
Not allowing you to stay when everyone else is, and TELLING you is odd. Do they maybe think you'd prefer to stay at the pub - i know I would

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 08/06/2012 12:08

Actually IMO YABU! Ok, so you are old friends.....however, as you live in Ireland and she lives in UK she has friends who she obviously sees more than she sees you and is probably closer to them than she is you (sorry) and so she will put them up.

She isnt hiding the fact from you so she probably hasnt given it a second thought.

Hurtful as it is, and I can understand why you do feel hurt and left out, it's not odd really.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 08/06/2012 12:09

and having more than one god mother now is quite common I think!

starfishmummy · 08/06/2012 12:11

More than one godmother is quite normal. I think the "convention" used to be that girls had two godmothers and one godfather; boys had two godfathers and one godmother, but I think these days everyone just has as many of each as they want! My ds was christened in hospital and doesn't actually have any godparents!

RetiredDJ · 08/06/2012 12:12

dublinMammy I know in Ireland we only have one of each godparent, but it is quite common in the UK to have more than one, so I really wouldn't be upset about that part of it if that helps at all.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 08/06/2012 12:14

You can have up to three Godparents per child I think, my God daughter has another Godmother and a Godfather.

As for the room, could it be that they think you are more likely to be able to afford it, or are you the only ones with children? If there's only about 30 people attending, I would expect many of these are family, who should get priority IMO, especially if any of them are elderly.

coffeeslave · 08/06/2012 12:16

My great-nephew has 8 godparents. I admit I was pretty O_o at that. Especially as my Dniece is not remotely religious yet still did the whole big church Christening and all the godparents promised to bring up my DGN in the Christian faith. I think my DN was just seeing ££ signs in having lots of godparents ;-)

I think YANBU regarding the accommodation & feeling left out.

puds11 · 08/06/2012 12:17

I have three god parents as do both my sisters. I am one of three godparents too.

Original poster
DublinMammy · 08/06/2012 12:21

OK, sounds like the number of godmothers is normal, I just hadn't come across it. Am Shock at 8 godparents coffee that seems really excessive.

I can't really understand the staying in the pub thing - there are some family members going but they are staying with her in-laws down the road. We are certainly not more able to afford to pay especially as we are already paying for flights and we would certainly have preferred to stay in the house/ cottage and muck in with everyone and be more involved. You are probably right Betty about the closeness thing but I do still feel hurt about it.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 08/06/2012 12:30

most people I know have 2 godmothers and 1 godfather for a girl, and vice versa for a boy, so definately the norm to have more than one godparent..

jubilucket · 08/06/2012 12:37

I think she's been rather thoughtless about the accommodation thing, but if there was any malice in it she wouldn't have said anything at all about all the others staying IYSWIM. You could be upfront and just say you can't afford the flights and the accommodation, has she got any suggestions? When we last organised a big do, the bedrooms went to the first to ask, and when they ran out, we offered tent in garden option.

Original poster
DublinMammy · 08/06/2012 13:09

No I didn't think there was any malice in it jubilucket, just felt that it was thoughtless and that's what hurt me.

OP posts:
stillorsparkling · 08/06/2012 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BillyBollyBandy · 08/06/2012 13:12

Ask her if there is anywhere you can bunk down at hers with a travel cot, say it would be a shame if everyone else is there for you to stop somewhere else.

That's not particularly confrontation but you may found out why?

AlmaMartyr · 08/06/2012 13:12

It may be that she thinks you'd prefer to stay at the pub but a bit odd not to ask, especially since you're flying in.

My DCs have 4 godparents, two of each (as do I) so don't think that's strange.

emblosion · 08/06/2012 13:15

Agree with what others have said re: no of godparents, most people I know in England have more than one, although you're totally right that this isn't usual in Ireland (where we live).

I think YAB a tiny bit U about the accommodation, presumably she can't fit everyone at her place and others may have asked first. It is a bit thoughtless of her, as you are travelling so far, but it doesn't sound like she did it purposely to upset or snub you. Maybe she thought the pub would be nicer/more private for you?

I don't think she would have asked you to be godmother if she didn't value you as a friend. I can understand why you feel a bit hurt/left out but don't think you need to.

Original poster
DublinMammy · 08/06/2012 13:32

Thank you everyone, really good to get others' perspectives on this especially the multi-godparent thing (really laughed at the funeral comment still). I know there is no malice in it and perhaps she did think we would prefer the pub. I don't think I will ask about a tent but will just go, stay in the pub and let them all clean up the mess after the party!

OP posts:
funkybuddah · 08/06/2012 13:58

Both my DC have 3 godmothers 1 godfather, these are the special people to us and our kids. No other motive

WilsonFrickett · 08/06/2012 14:04

My DS has two of each so four in total and I was delighted to be able to create that special bond with four of my closest friends and my boy. She absolutely thinks highly of you or she wouldn't have asked you to do it, so I would say there can't be any malice in the sleeping arrangements - she's just maybe been a bit thoughtless or has had a particular logic to how she's worked it out. Honestly. and I am a suspicious bitch

passmyglass · 08/06/2012 14:11

FWIW i think you're seeing this all wrong. I think she's asked you to go to pub because she expects that as a very well established friend you won't get all huffy about having to put up elsewhere. Whereas she prob has to pander to family a bit more. And also, agree with everything already said about number of godparents. In uk it's weird not to have more than 2!

Original poster
DublinMammy · 08/06/2012 15:33

Didn't think of it from that point of view passmyglass, could be that that is the case and am now being huffy bad friend on Mumsnet.

OP posts:
coffeeslave · 08/06/2012 15:34

I don't think it's weird to have only 2 godparents in the UK. I'm in the UK and have two - my godmother is my mum's former best friend (who I'm not "allowed" to talk to as she & my mum fell out) and my godfather is my half-brother (who I'm not "allowed" to talk to due to him & my dad falling out).

So technically I have none Grin

NatashaBee · 08/06/2012 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tinkerisdead · 08/06/2012 15:55

My dd's have six godparents each, three couples as we just couldnt choose the husband over the wife etc so we had three sets! One set of my friends, one set of dh's and one mutual.

But the accomodation things seems a bit harsh. To not even ask or offer you a choice seems a bit thoughtless but maybe she thinks you'd prefer the personal space if her house will be packed?

lovebunny · 08/06/2012 17:36

if she hadn't mentioned the people staying, then you'd seen them, you'd have felt worse. perhaps she thought you could pay and wouldn't be offended - that you and she were close enough for that to be ok.

that's me being understanding. enjoy it. it's rare.