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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More an AWBU...to pretend to go away to escape their arguments.

21 replies

ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 08/06/2012 09:39

Me and DH are friends with another couple. ALL they do is argue...constantly. It's getting so I don't want to go round there as I don't want our DD (18 months) to be exposed to it. Me and DH don't argue, and if we were to, we wouldn't do it in front of her.

We always get dragged into their dramas...they'll have a row...one of them will come round and drag us into it. If we're round there we get dragged into it.

We are both sick and tired of it. We're considering telling them we're going away for a week just to get away from it. We've hardly had any time to ourselves as a family...and certainly not as a couple as they're always getting us involved. If it's not one of them coming here...it's not of them texting or calling us to find out where the other is blah blah blah. We went out on Friday together for the first time in about a year (me and DH) and it still ended up being about them arguing as he showed up at the gig we were at after leaving her during a row and she was on my phone trying to find him.

Sorry...bit of a rant...are we being unreasonable to just say we're away for a few days so they'll leave us alone? Part of me just wants to tell them to fuck off, but they're old friends who I've known for years...and apart from the stress with each other, I do like them.

OP posts:
pictish · 08/06/2012 09:39

Seems a bit daft to lie.

Tell them the truth.

Trills · 08/06/2012 09:40

YAB a bit U to think that you need to lie.

Can't you just decline their invitations?

Original poster
ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 08/06/2012 09:41

We've tried telling them we're sick of it...we've told them we don't want anyone to come round on a certain day...but one of them just shows up and we're involved all over again.

I do feel a bit daft, but it just seems like the easiest option.

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 08/06/2012 09:42

Just tell them you don't want to be involved. And if they still come round tell them to go away.

DailyMailSpy · 08/06/2012 09:43

Yabu, just tell them you don't want to get involved in their arguments.

manicbmc · 08/06/2012 09:44

If one of them shows up following a row, just say 'this is your problem that you need to sort out with your wife/husband like an adult' and then shut the door.

Do you really need friends like this? Do you think they would put their drama aside if you needed them in a crisis? I seriously doubt it.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 08/06/2012 09:45

You need to be far firmer with them. They're not really friends, are they? Friends would have more respect for you.

pictish · 08/06/2012 09:46

I agree with being firmer too.

"You are my friend and I think world of you, but I will no longer be party to this. It's not my fight and I don't want to be involved!"

MeCookGoodSock · 08/06/2012 09:48

Tell them they are emotional vampires who have drained you of all sympathies you may have had for them to start with, and that you can no longer take part in their mini dramas. They're on their own with that from here on out!

Original poster
ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 08/06/2012 09:49

You're probably right...I just really feel like disappearing for a while...but that's only really putting it off isn't it?

They really need to split up to be honest. They just make each other miserable and it's helping no-one.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 08/06/2012 09:50

Emotional vampires is a great term! We do both feel drained with it all. It's getting to the point where it's effecting our mood and how we are with each other. All it takes is for us to take different sides and we nearly end up arguing about their bloody arguments!

OP posts:
manicbmc · 08/06/2012 09:51

Don't take sides! Don't engage or acknowledge their silliness at all. If they start when you are visiting them, make your excuses and leave.

JumpingThroughHoops · 08/06/2012 09:52

Ignore texts.

Sidestep invitations.

It really isn't that difficult to cut people out of your life who are emotionally draining

Original poster
ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 08/06/2012 09:55

Thanks for your suggestions. I just really hate confrontation, which is why I hate the arguments so much. I do think we just need to be a bit more firm.

OP posts:
HecateTrivia · 08/06/2012 11:10

you're going to have to deal with it firmly and that means taking a deep breath and having confrontation.

Things like - when you are at their house and they start to argue, you get up, you say ok, we're going to go now. And you leave. unless they physically bar the door and hold you hostage - they cannot prevent you from leaving.

When they come to the house and try to 'drag you into it' - don't let them. "I am not going to discuss this with you." being your one and only response to each sentence. And if they carry on, you stand up and you say "I am not having this conversation, you need to leave."

If they are arguing in your house - you boot them out. "Sorry, but this is embarrassing and unpleasant. You need to leave now."

It does require you being assertive, but between the two of you - can you not manage to do that? It would be really much better in the long run.

And for god's sake - don't argue among yourselves about it! That's stupid. Stop allowing them to tell you about their arguments.

pictish · 08/06/2012 11:14

It's not like one of those unspoken rules of friendship you know...no-one has to endure unpleasant behaviour from their friends, much less be expected to join in!

If they think your role involves refereeing their floor show, put them straight. You can do it calmly and firmly. If they take offence then they are crazy and best avoided anyway.
Decent people do not subject their friends to this. They need to rethink.

Original poster
ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 08/06/2012 13:19

You are right of course...sometimes the fantasy of just running away is good though!

DH has had a chat with the man today and said we don't want to be involved anymore and would like a few days to ourselves. We'll take it from there and see what happens.

I always knew my non-confrontational attitude would get me in trouble someday!

We haven't actually argued amongst ourselves yet...we were just worried it was going to end up happening if it carried on as we were getting so stressed with it.

OP posts:
Teeb · 08/06/2012 13:37

Not to be rude, but how the hell have you ended up being lumbered with these people?! It isn't normal!

I think Hecate gave some really good advice, just repeat those lines firmly 2/3/4 times then leave. Otherwise, don't engage in any of the drama like texts/phone calls. They are feeding off of your attention. It's a bit like a drama fire that needs it's oxygen supply to be cut away, or it will just get bigger and bigger.

MarySA · 08/06/2012 13:42

It doesn't sound to me as if they are your type of people. DH and I argue a fair bit. But we wouldn't argue in front of friends as that's just inconsideration for others.

MarySA · 08/06/2012 13:43

Forgot to add and certainly would not argue in front of other people's small children.

Original poster
ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 08/06/2012 15:05

I've known them both for years and before they were together they were both great. They just seriously bring the worst out in each other!

Thanks a lot for the responses though, it's appreciated.

OP posts:
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