to think I'm bonkers or just normal?

[newmummytobe79]

Need to write this down as I am doubting my mental state!

To the outside world I think I'm viewed as a nice, caring, smiley person. I go out of my way for friends and famiily but feel overwhelmed by guilt and anxiety a lot of the time. I'd describe the way I feel as being a swan albeit a bit of a scruffy one sometimes! on the surface, whilst paddling like mad under the water.

I have a nice life, we're not rich or poor, we have a good marriage and a beautiful baby.

I had a horrific birth and borderline PND afterwards - but I think I've always been a bit anxious and don't think this is actually PND.

I worry about what people think about me, what I say, how I look, how I behave, if I'm doing enough to keep everyone happy etc. I have OCD tendancies and I worry about my weight - which I know I REALLY don't need to worry about and some often comment on how small I am. But that's just me.

I write lists, which make me feel better when I get things ticked off, but I just spend my whole time with a head full of whizzing fuzzy thoughts.

Some days I just don't know how I'll get by ... but I have a shower and put on my best smile and carry on.

I adore my baby, but some days I just feel so overwhelmed and like I need a day off (which I know you can't have as a parent!). I worry my baby will end up like me!

I have dreadful thoughts about bad things (relating to family mainly) :( and spend a lot of the time telling myself I'm being stupid and to 'just get on with it'.

I have friends who have sh*t things happen to them and beat myself up for not feeling happy all the time and enjoying the good things I have in my life.

Is this a normal state of affairs? Does eveyone feel this way?

I know I'll read this tomorrow and think 'oh well - that was a bad day, today will be good' ... but on days like this I just feel so anxious :(

I set myself tasks - which I feel overjoyed at once completed ... and then replace it with another thing to worry about.

I saw a friend the other day, who in passing commented that she thinks I panic a lot - which I do. And now I'm wondering if my smiley facade is slipping.

Is this just life? Should I just embrace the good days and not beat myself up on the bad days? Or is there more to the way I'm feeling?

Gentle advice please :) or just tell me to shut up and put up!

Sounds exactly how I felt when I had PND - also after a traumatic birth.

valiumredhead - did you feel anxious in your day-to-day life before diagnosed with PND?

Also - did you get help or did you eventually get over it by yourself?

I think you are probably suffering from depression and/or anxiety, and it would be a good idea to admit that you are struggling and go and see the doctor to get some help. This might be in the form of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

I think, at the very least, it sounds like you need someone neutral to offload your feelings onto.
Try not to feel guilty - this is the way it is. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to your best friend. Of course other people have objectively worse lives, but your concern is you. Have been through those feelings myself and there is a relief in admitting them and getting help for yourself to find to best way to cope. This is the responsible thing to do, for yourself and your lovely family.

You sound pretty normal to me although maybe because you sound like me

I think alot of people have different persona's and don't necessarily reveal all of themselves to all people especially the parts we don't like perhaps? Sometimes I wish I was brave enough to just shrug off my worries and be 'me' all the time but right now I'm not.
So in conclusion I guess it's all relative, like maybe your friend thinks you panic a lot, and maybe others think she's a bit too easygoing IYSWIM
Hope that makes sense!

Oh, and to answer your questions, Bonkers is normal. Don't compare your insides to everyone else's insides

I think most people would indentify with a lot of what you've written. I certainly do. You'd be surprised how many people seem relaxed and content but are actually anxious and often unhappy behind closed doors. How old is your baby? If he/she is still young, then you'll find things do start to get easier as time goes on. Most new parents feel worried and overwhelmed a lot of the time.

Having said all that, if you really feel things are getting you down, if your worries are interfering with you getting on with life, or if you're feeling "not yourself" it might be worth seeing your GP to make sure there's nothing more to it than the usual stresses and strains of daily life and being a parent.

bugger - homily gone wrong - "don't compare your insides to everyone else's outsides"

Post traumatic stress? its worth talking to someone such as your GP or HV if they are any good. I used to be similarly super anxious. Its horrible. CBT really helped me with it, as did anti-depressants. I have now learnt to deal with it on the whole and feel so so much better so there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I think sometimes it's a case of after having the baby you have even more to worry about iyswim. My rule if thumb is if it is having an effect on your everyday life then you need to see tge gp.

P.S - you can have a day off as a parent.

Something else occurs to me. By nature, I am prone to perfectionism and beating myself up about perceived failings. Having a baby exaccerbated this because of a) the birth, which went "wrong" and b) just caring for a new person whilst feeling unprepared and ignorant about what I was doing c) tiredness is a killer and babies are tiring

I think in those circumstance control-freakery comes out as an attempt to gain control. Taken to extreme, that results in anxiety and obsessionality.

If this sounds a bit like you, the good news is, it can get better and you can learn to accept your limitations and accept being "good enough".

OP not really anxious before PND, very capable really but the complete opposite once I'd had ds.

I ended up being admitted to a mother and baby unit it got so bad, but that was also due to needing to take tablets that had the side affect of depression. So no I needed a lot of help.

Most people need a chat with their GP to get things sorted - have you done that?

Gosh. I could have written your post OP. I'm going to try and see my Gp next week.

Sorry you are feeling this way. It is however very very common.

My friends and I are generally a feisty, confident and happy bunch but pretty much all of us talk to each other about being total mentalists inside our own heads, worrying and stressing about family or kids or friends etc. Sometimes I feel extremely anxious and overwhelmed and I consider myself to be contented person with a great life!

I do think you probably have PND too - there is absolutely nothing to lose from seeking help and quite possibly tons to gain.

You're not alone anyway - even for those of us without depression or anxiety, these thoughts creep into our heads.
x