To feel like a servant

[Inedit]

DS being particularly demanding
DH just seems to do his own thing

Was I put on this earth just to do stuff for them?

Yep, as I said, projecting my own problems here!

OP says she feels like a servant, 'feels like her life is all theirs', this is not an isolated incident but just an example. There are clearly more examples of OP would not be starting a thread about this.

And like I said I bet she is also working 80 hours a week.

He is short tempered and snappy
I feel like I'm doing all I can to help him
He spends all weekend moaning and bitching which is becoming unbearable
And sleeping
He doesn't really ask about me

I think I just feel really bad right now cos I haven't seen him properly for the last 2 weeks, definitely not communicating properly, and when we do he seems to take everything the wrong way
And the housework stuff is relentless and so mundane
The laundry, bins, recycling, garden, finances. Even trying to find DS a new pair of shoes is stressing me out. I am constantly juggling stuff in the house because we don't have room for anything. Constantly tidying because if I don't the house looks a mess, because everything is so cramped
DS doesnt go to school until Sept, his time at nursery I just seem to race around getting things done

It all just feels like a thankless task.
I'm being

I'm taking DS to nursery tomorrow morning, then I'm either putting my feet up or going back to bed

I just spent a couple of days with my parents. I think that's the problem, it was so good there and now I've come back down to earth with a bump
Back to reality
I'm ok, I'll get through it
He does have a lot on his mind, his mum is ill, and he's worried about her too
I can sympathise and i do, but sometimes just feel a bit ovelooked and taken for granted

Same here op - husband working lOng hours - me trying to keep the house in one piece with 4 yr old 5 month old and Ill father. No abusive partner here unless not helping is abuse!

rainy yes same here.

I'm so tired of thinking for everybody .

inedit I totally sympathise.

Our house is small, I'm constantly tidying because there is no room for anything.

The kids constantly squabble.

I stress about storage ( our cupboards etc are over flowing ). I stress about the garden, finances, food shopping, clothes for the kids, laundry etc etc .. Even things like making sure the children have got presents to take to their friends parties.
None of these things crosses DH mind and he is very very difficult to communicate with .

Afraid it is part of parenting to keep pulling children up on this and make it clear that they can't get away with it. They will keep trying it on and you will have to keep reminding them.

I have a 12yo who is actually a very good lad- but he needs constant reminders of what constitutes reasonable expectations of the people around him and if I let it slip he could very easily start behaving like an entitled brat. He keeps pulling at the bit, though he knows I have a firm hold on it.

OP 16/17 years ago this was my life. But, I didn't resent it and I certainly didn't feel stressed and exhausted and we certainly didn't have a "perfect" house when the DC were tiny. When DS was 4.5 and DD was 1 my average day would go something like.

DC in big bed as DH got out (6.45ish) - it anchored them, he saw them and we kept out of his way until he left at about 7.30.

Downstairs for brekkie and morning tv - everyone dressed and out by 8.50 to drop DS at nursery.

Back home for a quick tidy up with dd circling. Mondays we went to a m&t group, Weds singing, Friday baby group, Tues and Thurs I did a swap with a friend so we got a free morning each and I usually used mine to tidy up, sort out, iron.

Lunch at about 12.30

Mon pm - probably at home but might have gone to the park if weather nice
Tue pm - usually had lunch at friends and went to 1 o'clock club together
Weds pm - storytime
Thurs - lunch at ours and then big supermarket shop afterwards
Fri - was big tidy up day.

Occasionally ds got a lunch invite after nursery which gave dd and I some extra time.

From about 3.00 the dc used to flake in front of the tv for an hour (dd didn't sleep in the day time) and I would have a tidy up then. If they needed things like shoes or haircuts we would get it sorted in the holidays.

Tea time at 5.30ish, 1/2 hour play, bath time about 6.30. DD used to be in bed by 7ish. DS never before 9 - that was his bit of quality time with mummy and gave him a chance to see dh.

I had a cleaner three hours a week and at that stage I think DH's shirts were being sent out. Apart from that DH did the bins and the garden. But he was quite entitled and did bark orders but we got over it with a few "you'll get bugger all if you speak to me like that's" and life got easier as the DC got bigger.

You sound very much as though you need to get some big plastic storage boxes and limit the amount of stuff. From very early on I had one big rule. All toys kept in the children's bedrooms and what came downstairs went back upstairs in the evening and we had tidy up time just after tea - every day.

We were working together as a family and that is what we have continued to do and now reap the benefits. The dc are now 17 and 14 and an untidy pair of so and so's though . Your home will never be as tidy as it was before dc and I think you have just to accept that and get your time organised.

I am actually quite organised, I have to be
All DS's toys are organised into boxes then into one big toybox.
He's good at not getting everything out and finishing one game before getting another one out.
I have to know where everything is, because no-one else will
Dh moans that I move things, but he seriously wants to leave piles of stuff in the middle of the kitchen bench. I have v little worktop anyway.
So I have made him a little corner. But he still complains, loudly.
DS's clothes don't fit in his drawers, I've ebayed loads of stuff but that takes a lot of time and effort.
I need new furniture for him, he's still on a toddler bed, with nursery furniture

Just moaning now

well I've just seen him off on his next trip.
he really thanked me and said he could just not do this without me
couldn't work, couldn't get organised, wouldn't have the family

it was nice to hear
now I have to work on DS!

I often feel like you do annd frquently shout at my dcs 'I'm not your servant/slave' - don't think dh has ever made me feel like that, though - and I do his taxes too but that's because he can't do finances, poor love, he'd do them all wrong :) ).

So i think children treating parents as servants is quite normal if annoying (and I humbly admire people who have children who do chores and tidy up their own mess, but have no idea how they manage that :) ) - dh treating you that way is not normal and you feeling that way is not good at all!

Any chance of you planning now for a job once ds at school, so you can earn some money and pay someone else to do the stuff you hate? Or can you afford it now? But would you like a job anyway, so you felt you had more of an identity outside of the home?

Inedit - sit down and think about something you would really like to do, quiet walk in country, full body massage, join a class in Italian, just whatever, then reward yourself with that by making time for it each week. Life shouldn't just be thankless tasks.I never did this but now realise I should have had some joy just for me. I would have been a nicer person to live wiht.

I could afford to get someone in to do the laundry and the chores, but that's a major cop-out. I already have a cleaner for 3 hours a week. It's the day to day crappy stuff that gets to me.
I've been looking for a job for 2 years, it became so demoralising that we decided to give the jobsearch a bit of a break until DS is settled in school.
Thousands of applications, set my sights lower, still nothing. I used to have a very well paid city job, seems there are very few jobs in my field now.

I have a voucher for a massage, so might use that next week

It might be too late but did you see the BoA Merill Lynch 'back to work' program that Mumsnet was promoting recently? You sound perfect for it

www.workingmums.co.uk/working-mums-magazine/all/6020403/bank-of-america-merrill-lynch-launches-returners-programme.thtml

it is always worse when you come back to it after a break. you need to make time for you sometimes.

dh is being unreasonable if he thinks that you will leave his stuff lying aound fo a week while he is away.

that looks like a fantastic program
I would love to do that.
Have messaged Ann, but it is actually closed now.

Oh I'm sure they'll run it again soon, or perhaps you could find a 'back to work' seminar or course you could do to build your confidence back up?

I realise the thread has moved on a bit, but to go back a bit -

"Recently his behaviour and attitude has been a bit demanding. Almost ordering me around"
"Talked to him about asking nicely and mummy can't do everything immediately etc. He usually gets these things after a couple of days, but he wants me to do everything for him, right now"

He's four and a half. You are the adult. If he tries it on, you take charge, tell him off and send him to his room/the naughty step. Absolutely do not allow this to become established behaviour.

Thanks Whereyouleftit
I'm not too worried about DS.
It's always one phase or another
I do challenge all his behaviour, and I do see some immediate results, but he still needs telling. I have used all of the different methods over the last year or so, he tests the boundaries! It's the constant attempts to keep him in check that are exhausting

we have had a great day today
we actually haven't been out of the house and I started to feel guilty but then realised he hasn't stopped over the last couple of weeks, so a bit of quiet downtime could be what he needs