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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect ExP to....

20 replies

BellaBoo85 · 07/06/2012 14:16

contribute financially towards dd2??

I've been lurking around for a while now and even though I'm a little scared apprehensive about posting I think this is where I need to be.

Ok so a little background...I have two dd's, both have different dads not sure I'm going to read any replies on here afterall
ExP has brought dd1 up as his own since she had just turned 2 (no input from her 'real dad') and we have another dd together.

I've recently moved out of the house we lived in together his house so I had no choice and he's having both girls three nights a week. Two week nights from 5pm to 7;30am the next day plus one weekend night from 5pm til 5pm the next day.

I'm not sure whether I should ask him to contribute towards dd2 or not with how many nights he has them.
Plus I think that if he pays towards dd2 then wouldn't he be within his rights to ask me to contribute towards him having dd1 while she's there?
Or should I maybe just ask him to pay half towards things bought for dd2? Shoes, clothes etc.
Or should I just not bother and count myself lucky that he has both girls and not just his own?

I've forever got people telling me that he needs to pay something towards dd2 but I'm a bit stupid unsure when it comes to stuff like this.

OP posts:

AnyoneForTennis · 07/06/2012 14:18

What do you think his reaction would be if you asked him?

manicbmc · 07/06/2012 14:18

I think there is a calculator thing on the CSA site, that you can put details in so it takes account of regular nights spent with the other parent. You could use that to work out a reasonable amount for him to contribute?

purplewithred · 07/06/2012 14:19

Go on to the child support agency website and do the sums there www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

I assume you are not married?

I think your main question isn't whether he should be paying maintenance towards his own dd - he should - but whether he should be paying maintenance for your DD from a separate relationship and indeed whether you should be making a contribution to him for looking after your dd.

RedHelenB · 07/06/2012 14:21

I think it's great he's having the contact with both children & personally think he is contributing in that you don't have to pay for their food those nights BUT look on CSA to work out what he should give you. If it is a lot then I would say something, if it's not much then personally I wouldn't rock the boat as having a good dad for both your children would be more important to me than a bit of money.

FallenCaryatid · 07/06/2012 14:21

Do you get money from DD1's father?
Do you think your exP would object to paying for his daughter, and that you might have to put the arrangement on a more official and legal footing?
How old is your DD1, would she cope with exP changing the relationship if that's what happens?
Do you think it's likely that he'd either object to paying anything, or reject your eldest if he has to pay support?

Original poster

BellaBoo85 · 07/06/2012 14:37

Thinking about it, I don't think for one minute that he would end any contact with dd1. As much as things have gone completely tits up wrong between the two of us, his relationship has never changed with her, so I don't think that would be an issue.

I'm not sure how he would react to me broaching the money subject tbh. I tried to speak to him the other day about keeping dd2 in her routine, snacks, drinks, sleeps etc and it didn't go down to well. (generally dd2 comes back mardy after not having her usual naps, wakes in the night and he cuddles her back to sleep etc )

I think I'm going a little off point and can't remember what else I had to answer

OP posts:

FallenCaryatid · 07/06/2012 14:39

If you want the relationships to stay strong, you may have to accept that his parenting style might be different to yours and compromise a bit.
How old are your children?

gobbledegook1 · 07/06/2012 14:42

If he is covering any expense this en-cures (meals, travel etc) thus saving you some degree of money in the process then I would count myself lucky and leave well alone as yes if he wanted to be arsey he could then say he wants you to pay for DD1 or stop having her. I would be more inclined if something came up that she specifically needed and you didn't have enough maybe just say DD2 needs ... and I haven't got the money right now is there any chance you would go halves he would probably be less inclined to get miffed off.

Original poster

BellaBoo85 · 07/06/2012 14:42

Ohhhhh...I don't for one minute think he should be paying any kind of maintenance towards dd1.
Now and again I get money from her 'dad' through the CSA when he's not changing jobs/claiming he's not working etc

I asked ExP for half towards dd2's new shoes which he said he would give but that was a week ago and still nothing so I honestly don't know if it would need to be a more formal/legal arrangement rather thank just between the two of us.

I'll look on the CSA website see what it says.

OP posts:

Original poster

BellaBoo85 · 07/06/2012 14:45

Dd's are 5.5 and nearly 1.

OP posts:

CoteDAzur · 07/06/2012 14:55

Not sure I understand. XH pays for DD1 (not his) but not for DD2 (his child). Why?

Original poster

BellaBoo85 · 07/06/2012 15:06

No ExP has both children three nights a week. Dd1 is not his. Her 'dad' pays now and again but has never seen her (his choice)
ExP doesn't give money towards dd2 as such but has them both to stay at his.

I'm still not sure if I'm making sense

OP posts:

HappyMummyOfOne · 07/06/2012 15:16

I dont think he should be paying you tbh, you will be getting the CB and possibly tax credits for two children yet only have them half each week. If you are sharing those benefits 50/50 then yes he should contribute but you dont state that you are so presume not.

Its wonderful he wants to maintain a relationship with a child that is not his and provide you with childcare for 3 nights a week. Expecting him to pay on top of the 50/50 care is taking the proverbial.

Beckamaw · 07/06/2012 15:28

My XH and I share custody of DD1 & 2. I get child benefit and buy all clothes/ shoes. He gives me no money at all directly. He does pay half for school trips etc.

I would say that he is being very reasonable.

Original poster

BellaBoo85 · 07/06/2012 15:36

I didn't think either yes he should or no he shouldn't. I honestly wasn't sure that's why I asked on here.
Yes I'm child free for 3 nights a week and I should count myself lucky that he wants to have dd1 too but in all honesty I hate having them go there so often.
But OTOH the children are happy and that's what matters to me. They get to see us both and do things with the both of us.
Some kids don't get that.

It was just a question I wasn't sure of the answer to.

OP posts:

AbigailAdams · 07/06/2012 15:41

Well he isn't having your dd2 for 50% of the time is he? Two 14hr stints and a 24hr stint is not half the week, so I disagree with HappyMumofOne. But I agree he is having dd1 too (which purely from a technical/financial aspect he doesn't have to but morally is a good thing). It's difficult. Why don't you have a look at the CSA calculator thing to give you an idea and then ask to speak to him about the finances with a view to you both knowing where you stand.

Was he abusive at all? If so, I can understand your reluctance to have the conversation if you think he will twist it/be a martyr/use your daughters as pawns etc.

FallenCaryatid · 07/06/2012 15:50

'but in all honesty I hate having them go there so often.'

Why? He's forming a new relationship with both of your children and showing them he loves them. Why would you object?

Original poster

BellaBoo85 · 07/06/2012 16:21

Ok so putting it like that it isn't strictly 50/50 but I think if he was off work he would most probably have them for the whole day.

I don't object to them going or stop them for that matter. But selfishly I don't like it for me. Maybe I'm weird, people keep telling me I should enjoy it/make the most of it/how good it must be but all it does is make me nervous. I don't like them being away from me. Maybe it's just getting used to the situation, it's only been 3 weeks.

OP posts:

ninja · 07/06/2012 16:27

I completely understand why you would miss them when they're there - when you've got used to being their Mum and having them there all the time it's hard isn't it?

Re the money - yes, you get the CC and the CB, but I don't think that it's wrong to broach the subject of sharing costs. Do you need childcare? If so that may be far more than the above benefits. Try and add up the costs of activities, clothes, presents for parties, childcare and then see if it's much above the benefits and if so try and talk to him about it.

Good luck!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 07/06/2012 17:14

If his reaction is likely to be unfavourable if you ask him for money, I would leave it. You are onto a good thing with him having your dd1 as well, and I expect he has contributed to her financially in the past, and will continue to spend money on her when he has her of for special ocassions.

You could end up asking for money for the nights you have dd2 and he will just ask for it straight back again for the nights he has dd1.

I would continue to do what you have done already, and ask for half of the money towards specific things for dd2. Maybe you could buy the shoes and give him the receipt so he can see how much he owes you and it will prompt him to pay. As she gets older you could ask for money for pre school, school trips, extra curricular activities etc. He might be more willing to pay directly for things rather than paying money into your pot.

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