Think he should mind his own

[Oppsididitagain]

Maintainance that is payed on a monthly basis to my boyfriends ex for his child,she often uses it to go out he kicks off about this

Pertinant info

1. Child is adiquatly maintained by mother on a day to day basis
2. Child is adiquatly fed/ dressed and never goes without needed things
3. Mum pays all bills rent ect

4.child has a adiquat standered of living

1. Dad has an income at jsa level but maintainance not aranged by csa so it's above what csa would expect to be paid
2. Maintainance paid by me due to dads low income ( I do this as a favor as first and foremost dad has allways been concidered a good friend and do not expect to be paid back)

Dad resents her using money to go out I think he should butt out as money is hers to do as she sees fit, it's not childs pocket money it's maintainance and the only circumstance he should have an issue is if child is not being adiquatly maintained

What do you ladies reckon?

If the child is being well provided for by the mum it's irrational to claim that she's spending the maintainance on herself. What sounds likely is that she's, for example, spending the child support on a new dress or haircut the day after she gets it but a week later when she gets paid she's spending all or almost all of her earnings on the rent/mortgage/bills/clothing for the child/toys/food for him/what have you. In anotherwords, as it's been pointed out above, she's caring for the child out of all the money she has each month, just taking it from the bank as she needs it.
And no, it darn well isn't her ex's business how she does that as long as the DC continues to be adequately provided for!

i understand this may be percived as odd or weird but having been a lone parent previously for many years i do not wish to listen to 'lets bash the parent with care' and i most certainly do not wish to collude with any bad feeling and even tho they obviously dislike each other credit should be given where credit is due, shes doing a damn good job and fine they have legit issues to fall out over occasionally but i am not prepared to give him a platform when i think hes being silly or just negative towards her for the sake of it
In that case YANBU and your actions are very honourable.
Tell your DP that he should not give it a second thought and concentrate on his life with you and the time he spends with his DC.
I think this is unusual as often the new partner (in this case you) begrudges this kind of thing. You sound supportive and kind.
A much better person than many :)

So let me get this straight; your boyfriend is getting annoyed with your ex for spending money on herself and claiming it's his money, and he isn't even man enough to pay maintenance for HIS own child and expects YOU to pick up the tab instead? What a total and utter fucking arse. Are you sure you want to be with him?

Like someone else said on here, why is it always claimed that it is the maintenance that pays for the ex's haircut or night out but never for rent, food, school trips etc?

There are some funny old ideas about maintenance bandied about on here; someone on a thread the other week said that they thought maintenance should be saved up for a uni fund for the child! I do sometimes wonder if some people live in the real world!

"someone on a thread the other week said that they thought maintenance should be saved up for a uni fund for the child!"

Noooooooo????!!!!!

You're kidding me, right? That's an MN in joke, yes?

Please tell me that there isn't really someone on here who's dumb enough to think that all (or even the majority) of lone parents who are happy to let their kids starve to death can afford to save maintainance up until the child is old enough go to university!

I wish I was kidding, I really do.

Few posters wind me up on here but that post really made me very angry indeed.

The original post Grahamtribe not the post you just did, obviously :)

i'd be interested in knowing how the father in this scenarios knows it is 'his' money that she is using to go out?

i am a lone parent. i receive income support, child benefit, tax credits housing benefit and maintenance from my children's father. all that money goes into the same account and all my bills are paid out of it. there is no way at all of knowing which source the money came from when i am paying teh electric or buying uniforms for my children. once the money goes in it is all blended. it doesn't show in different colours on my statement whose money i am spending so i would be very keen to know how thsi guy is so sure it's 'his' money that pays for going out.

You are right, once the money has moved into her pot it's hers to do with as she pleases. You sound like a nice person.

Ignore the idiots who have questioned your spelling.

It's very kind of you to pay it.

But your partners a total cocklodging arse munch and you deserve MUCH better.

Just don't have any kids with him, OP.

Because in a few years time his new partner will be posting on here about him moaning that you are spending all his money whilst she will be the one paying the maintenance

I knew what you meant, Hexagonal. :) I'm rarely speechless but, well, but ferking hell!!

Opps, you do sound lovely but I'm afraid I'm reserving judgment of your BF in the interest of not being deleted by MN.

So what she is doing is spending all the money that she gets in regulary on essentials and extra's for the child, then anything else she gets on top she uses it for her needs?

So in effect putting herself second?

He needs to start apprieciating what you and her are doing for him and his child.

Sorry for hijack OP but Hexagonal - I think that particular idea is on a par with the benefits goat (don't know why we don't have an icon for that one yet actually).

Haha yes I totally agree Moonlight.

I think that the poster that was championing the 'uni fund' idea was the partner of someone who paid maintenance to an ex and she too was aghast that the ex should - shock horror - buy anything for herself. I was pretty speechless at the suggestion tbh, that kind of thinking really does make a mockery of the whole idea of maintenance and what it is for.

If he's on a v low income shouldn't he go through CSA as they will top it up (I might not know what I'm talking about here) ....

It does, but then, I am always amazed at the number of people on here who have a 'non-collective pot' understanding with their partners...(yet another reason why the OP stands out in a positive way).

[Leaves before I say anything too contentious]

Yeah I often think the same about the non-collective pot. Someone on here the other day was saying about doing a hobby with their DH but he could only do it every other week as that was all he could afford whilst she did it every week as she could afford it etc etc.

I don't get it

Ah, the horse-riding one? No, I don't either, but each to their own. As long as they're happy, then fine, it's when there's an imbalance in the satisfaction with the arrangement.

Although frankly, everything that's DH's is mine, and everything that's mine is mine.

Really sorry OP, will stop hijack now.

had an ex husband who paid for years, reluctantly, sometimes underpaying. no idea if he thought i was spending his money on nights out - i wasn't. he did once say that paying my daughter's maintenance was preventing his other children from having private educations. i used all the maintenance, plus more, towards my daughter's independent school fees.

i don't think i'd pay maintenance on behalf of a man, no matter how much i liked him or respected his ex. his children, his obligation.

you are a decent sort if you are paying up for his children.

I have always said it doesn't matter if I wipe my bum with the maintenance money providing the child is provided for first and foremost, others disagree but I consider it all goes in a pot and "going out money" is just as valid as buying the child something specific.

I have to bow at you....... how great from you to pay for this child, that if I did not get it wrong, is not even related to you. Serious admiration from here, because it is not very often that you find so generous souls in this world.
And for the mother going out, well I suppose she is not using the maintenance money, she is properly looking after her little one, and I suppose that she will have other incomes, like work, or child benefit in her name, or tax credits, or JSA, or something, so that will be the money she will be using. If the mum is spending time enought with her child, and her child is well, nothing wrong for her going out. She will chill out, and be a great smiley mum, instead of a grumpy one as a result of being locked at home. And he has no any saying in his ex's life, and if I were his girlfriend I would be concern that he may care what she does because he has not overcome his feelings for her yet. So YANBU, but watch this guy, he may not be ready for you or worst, he can be manipulative, as he seems to want to control his ex.

OP, while it's a lovely and generous thing to do, paying maintenance to this man's child, why are you doing it? The child is not your responsibility. This man is not only not paying any maintenance himself, but seems to consider that he has a right to control how the money is spent when it's not even his money. What's he spending his money on? How much of it does he spend on you or at least on treats, leisure and pleasure for the pair of you? What's so special about this man that everyone else has to pay his bills?

I don't mind the hijack because it's all relivant to the convo it's intresting to hear others thoughts on the subject