in laws

[wineandnibbles]

Feeling really offended and not sure if i should be. Just been to a family get together with my DH's side of the family. I found out that his sister has been invited on the hen night of his brother's future wife but that i am obviously not invited. We are the same age and although i don't live locally the hen night is not local it is in London. I feel that family should be treated the same and the message is that i am not liked. I know i'll feel even worse when my husband goes on the stag night. I feel it's a chance to meet other people who will be at the wedding and i'm already an outsider for not going. Am i being unreasonable?

I think you probably are tbh. How well do you know this person? Presumably not as well as your SIL does.

Id be annoyed and have a feeling this will happen to me in due course too. My sil and my bils future wife see more of each other than I do.

Not sure what you can do though but it sucks.

YABU you don't get invited to things just because you're family, but because you actually you know, know the bride well enough that they want you to be there.

Well, i guess my SIL sees more of her as they live closer but wouldn't this be a good chance to show you want to know someone better? It will be BIL 's second wedding and we have been really supportive and welcoming to future wife and her child. Also shouldn't a wedding be about the people who will support and be there throughout your marriage ie your family not just your mates?

A wedding should be, a hen night, not so much.

Yes, a wedding should be, but not the hen night. That's for the bride and her friends, and if you don't know this person very well, I can understand why she didn't think to include you.

I get why this has upset you, but I think you need to see this from her perspective.

I'm afraid with the extra information, I do think YABU.

Have you met her lots?

Yes, we've met lots, as they both had a child they've taken their relationship slowly so they have been together a number of years. They have been over a as a family for sunday dinners, we always meet at Christmas/Easter /kids birthdays etc and they have stayed with us a few days while we lived abroad. We have never had riotous times and become good friends just polite family members who talk about jobs and children. I suppose i am being a little too sensitive, just feel disappointed I'm being told she doesn't want me to be a better friend!

No, the hen do is a bit of fun. if you don't really know her that is the reason. She is you husbands, brothers wife to be. For the sister it is her brothers future wife. Maybe she sees that, and the fact you don't see her, as a bigger gap and didn't think about it.
You say you supported them, but what steps have you taken to be friends with her as a person. Not just someone who is with bil? Tbf though my only db married my best friend so that worked out for me.
Dhs sister on the other hand has not invited me to her hen do (second marriage) next week. I am not that keen on her. Don't dislike her but never see and wouldn't make an effort to meet up with her. She was my bridesmaid at dhs request to keep the peace, as she doesn't really like me. But I am not pisses off that out of 2 weddings I won't be a bridesmaid at either. I get it, we are not close. If I was getting married now (I was fairly shy when I got married at twenty) there is no way I would ask her, I have a back bone now. Although it did help. Since then we have always been polite and she has stopped moaning to dh about me. We are not friends, but in laws which is enough for an easy life.

Hen nights aren't a good time to get to know someone better. They are for people who already know each other to spend some time together. There are bound to be a few people who don't know each other well but they would all know the bride well.

Please try not to see it that way, this doesn't mean that she doesn't want you to be a good friend. It's just that a hen night should be fun and lighthearted, and it's not going to be that if you are making small talk with people you aren't close to.

Why don't you take her out for lunch before the wedding, if you want to be closer to her?

Not invited to a Hen Night? See I'd have thought that the kind of good luck that money can't buy!

Ok. Thanks for the honest replies. I've been stewing all day but i feel better already, i won't see it as an insult just an honest response to us not being best friends already.

Lentilly has an excellent point. I really don't like them, which is also the reason I am glad sil didn't invite me, I would have had to think up a rubbish excuse. Waste of brain power.

YABU, it's for people she knows well, I wouldn't be offended.

This exact scenario happened to me. I'd known the hen for four or five years previous to this, we knew each other but only in a polite way, iyswim.

We're much better friends now but at the time I understood that she only wanted her close friends there and didn't give it another thought.

I'd be celebrating. Think about the money you are saving.

Is she herself organising it? Could have been an over sight maybe.
Or, if not... I would too feel put out to not be invited. But, it just, as you said earlier, confirms that you're not close friends.
It is a shame... Not knowing the other hens at the wedding,,, and, especially as your hubby is going to the stag do.
I feel your wrath! Well, not wrath.. But, still... This is something I would not do. I would always invite all family, the same age,,, and would always invite the wife of the man who was invited to the stag do,, if that makes sense.
You sound like me too, on that subject..
She's obviously not.
Shame. Her loss., xx

It is a shame. But this left out business can be a bit soul destroying if you let it. DH has three sisters. And over the years I have learnt to tolerate them and they tolerate me. But that's about it.

I didn't treat my hen night as an opportunity to get to know anyone better. I invited people I already knew. We can't all think exactly the same as you, can we?

Hen nights are not a networking opportunity. Instead, they really are about the bride and her closest friends having a good time. You have already said that you are not good friends but instead, are " just polite family members who talk about jobs and children." So on this basis I'm really not sure why you'd have expected to go on the hen night, let alone feel isolated and rejected.

Don't feel left out on the basis of this one event. Instead, build up your relationship with her over time. Hen nights are often pretty ghastly anyway so cheer yourself up with the knowledge that you've got out of one!

I can understand why you feel upset, but please try not to be. As others have said, the hen night is really for people she's already close friends with & not for getting to know someone better (as its not really a time for being on your best behaviour!).

I hope you can get past it as it'd be a shame if this marred future relations (but as mentioned earlier, I do understand how you feel!!).