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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Kids friends invited here - no return favours?

22 replies

bigpaws · 06/06/2012 16:50

I am sure this must have been a thread on here before, but anyway........
My child certainly isn't difficult, I feel it's other parents taking advantage of my kindness. Why is it that I receive texts suggesting 'we must get X & X together in the holidays', it really means 'X wants to come and play at yours'?
They don't invite my child over. I love having their friends to play but at times I feel a mug.
This week I could really have done with a break and this parent knows that. Instead of offering to have my DD over, again she has hinted at her child coming here!
I am so annoyed and upset for my child.

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 06/06/2012 16:53

Just say x came to ours last time, let's swap and you host?

If the invitations are not reciprocated then you can feel taken advantage of

There has to be some give and take

Groovee · 06/06/2012 16:56

I'd reply with "X is free to come to yours on xxx day! What time shall I drop off?" Then she has no choice but to say yes or no.

claudedebussy · 06/06/2012 16:57

yes it's a game.

i'd say 'great idea! dd hasn't been to your house yet, and she'd love to. what day suits you?'

cheeky fuckers

DuelingFanjo · 06/06/2012 17:01

is she using you for free childcare?

Original poster

bigpaws · 06/06/2012 17:11

Its not the childcare factor as she is a SAHM and I work full-time as a CM.
I got the routine text this week and replied 'X is free on Friday of that's any good with you?' Haven't had a reply yet!

OP posts:

sweetkitty · 06/06/2012 17:13

I would text back saying My DD was just saying she would love to go to X's house instead is that ok with you?

Original poster

bigpaws · 06/06/2012 17:14

'IF that's any good........
My child's other friends aren't like this. Does anyone else have the same problem? I feel bad for my DD, but I have so much on this week.

OP posts:

claudedebussy · 07/06/2012 09:11

i do have a mum at school who does this. really annoying as unfortunately dd1 and her dd are best friends

AdventuresWithVoles · 07/06/2012 09:36

I didn't have people actually fishing for invites, now that IS rather cheeky.

I would say that only 10% of DC's invites have typically been reciprocated though, some kids came nearly a dozen times but parents never asked DC back. And don't get me started about lack of party invites back.

One family has a brutal dog, I can see why they don't have child guests. One mum works all hours God sends, so ditto. Don't know what goes thru other parents' minds.

StepOutOfSpring · 07/06/2012 10:06

YANBU. It's only polite to reciprocate.

If any more hints come your way you could just hint back in return "yes, we must arrange something" but don't offer. Then if they're cheeky enough to suggest your house again, there's nothing wrong in saying "perhaps X could come to your house this time?"

knowitallstrikesagain · 07/06/2012 10:11

YANBU. Maybe they think it is more tricky for you to arrange to drop off your DD if you have other mindees to consider?

Next time you are contacted about getting the children together, say 'DD would love to come over to yours to play, what time suits you?'

Serendipity30 · 07/06/2012 10:14

I have the reverse problem we live in a wealthy area, but are far from , my DD has been invited to a friends house more than once and had a lovely time. On two occasions when i have invited their child to the cinema, the mother has dragged her much older child to sit behind us to watch the film , instead of sitting with us. When i invited their child to tea, the horror on her face was hilarious, apparently our home isnt good enough. , and yet when their child is bored in the hol's they attempt to invite my DD to entertain their child Needless to say i have declined more recent invitations.

OP i think your friend is taking liberty's, I would have a ready excuse that you can trot out

AngryBeaver · 07/06/2012 10:24

Oh, it's difficult. I am pregnant with dc4. My eldest dd has just turned 6 and all the invitations have started. I have enough on my plate without having extra kids here,tbh. If they want to have dd over that is fine. But,I feel under pressure to reciprocate...and I can't be arsed!!

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 07/06/2012 10:26

YANBU.

This happened to me, I thought I was being nice because she told me she was going through a tough time and was really stressed.

Turned out she was having an affair and telling her husband that she was at my house

We don't see each other much anymore, and of course the kids don't know why...

WorraLiberty · 07/06/2012 10:29

I must be thick skinned then because a Mum said to me, "We must get the boys together during the holiday" and I agreed and suggested we met at the park in town.

She thought that was a brilliant idea...I really don't think she was hinting at sending him to my house.

treadheavily · 07/06/2012 11:00

You have to start saying, "Yes, would love to get them together. Where shall we meet?" Or, "Yes, I could drop him at 10 Friday if that suits?"

jubilucket · 07/06/2012 11:05

I tend to host get-togethers in winter/bad weather as we've got lots of good indoor stuff, but I'm upfront with the other mums and say it's better if they all come to you in summer, as our garden is tiny. They all seem happy with that.
I'm also a popular stop off on Fridays after school, being convenient for the bus-stop and sweet-shop that Year 8 need to spend all their spare cash in before going back to their homes in the villages.

RandomNumbers · 07/06/2012 11:13

yes try for a neutral venue if you feel not brave enough to say I shall drop DD at yours

The thing about being assertive is that it gets easier, the first time you say no, don't bring friend here, lets come to you/meet at the park your heart will be pounding and you'll feel clammy and odd. The next time will be not so stressful, and soon you'll be fine with saying No. With an occasional yes, because you don't want to be unfair.

WorraLiberty · 07/06/2012 11:20

I would never say "I'll drop my child at yours"

You'll just come across as pushy and once word gets around, I doubt any parents would bother suggesting a meet up.

MsKittyFane · 07/06/2012 11:22

We don't even get messages for DD to meet up :(
I message/ phone and invite others round and they always come over. She just doesn't get invitations back :(

WorraLiberty · 07/06/2012 11:25

I must admit I returned a lot more invites for my DS1 than I did for the other two.

But that was because there's a 7yr age gap between him and his younger brother so in effect he was an only child.

When DS2 and DS3 came along, there were only 3 years between them and they were each other's play mates.

It wasn't an intentional thing but sometimes adding another child into the mix can cause major arguments and headaches!

Original poster

bigpaws · 07/06/2012 20:40

I replied saying my DD is free on Friday i.e tomorrow. Still haven't had a reply back.
When her youngest had chicken pox I had her DD to play here for the whole day. My DD2 has had a serious injury this week and still no offer of my DD1 over to play! Yet she can text to say 'We must get X & X together this week'.
Oh yeah ........ I know her game!!!!

OP posts:

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