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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloody ex! Sons coat held hostage!

42 replies

washingonawednesday · 06/06/2012 07:55

Contact weekend ended yesterday and ex forgot to give me ds coat back. I text and asked him to post it and have been sent a series of increasingly shitty texts along the lines of
It's June (its pissing down here)
Haven't I got anything else warm for him? (yes, but they are thick jumpers- nothing waterproof)
It would be cheaper to just buy a new one (a- no it wouldn't and b- fine youre earning £40k and buying a coat would be nothing, I'm on benefits- a coat is expensive and he dosent need two, he needs the one he's got!) obviously I was much more polite in my responses to him!
Aibu to keep asking till he sends it and risk a big pissing contest or let my son get wet for 2 weeks till he's down again?
We've been getting on really well recently and it's been a breath of fresh air- no idea why he's suddenly gone back to 'shitty ex who is argumentative all the time'

OP posts:
skybluepearl · 06/06/2012 12:39

love the idea of applying for a crisis loan to cover the costs and leaving ex H number on it

Original poster
washingonawednesday · 06/06/2012 12:49

Crisis loan Grin

Well I actually have an appt at benefits office on Friday as I have a job starting in July- woo hoo! Love not being beholden to the state anymore.

He can swivel. We went out in the warm jumper earlier and I'll be suggesting in future that he buys his own coat.

OP posts:
SDTGisAJubilantWolefGenius · 06/06/2012 13:24

I find it so hard to believe that there are people out there who will do this to their children - and my heart goes out to all of you that are having to deal with this behaviour from your exes. What is it that blinds some people to the fact that the things they are doing to 'punish' their ex, are actually hurting their children? Sending them in cheap stuff seems to be the answer.

marathonrunner · 06/06/2012 14:46

My ex used to do this. Thankfully we don't see him anymore and he is such a "wonderful" father that we moved 100 miles away a month ago and he has yet to notice Grin

The low point though was making my son change out of the clothes he was wearing on his doorstep so he could keep the clothes he had bought at his house. My son was sobbing and my ex was ripping them off him. It was awful. He regularly "forgot" to send clothes home to me so I understand where you're coming from.

Just buy a cheap coat and just mention the other one casually when you see him again. Don't let him have the upper hand. You will be working soon and as kids grow so quickly I'm sure your son will have needed a new coat fairly soon anyway. I know that's not the point and he should give you the coat but rather than arguing with him it makes you look like the bigger person.

CaliforniaLeaving · 06/06/2012 21:50

Oh dear you have so many more years of this crap to come!
I'd buy him a cheapy coat in the next size up, then send with with no coat next time so you get the other one back and use the cheap stuff only for visits from now on.

Mother2many · 07/06/2012 01:26

I would also go and buy a cheap coat... I offered to send the kids clothes and he said, "no"... then find out they really have nothing there, he just didn't want me to do it...

SOO, I went and bought TONS of 2nd hand clothes for the kids, and gave them to him... (ps...seldom see them on the kids...) It's the thought..

My STBXH would NEVER go out of his way to return a "coat"...so, prob. not yours either.... after all it's just a "coat"... Hmm

My STBXH picked up the kids from Bible camp, and I never did get my very expensive sleeping bag back!!! I am STILL pissed off at that...if I would of known I wouldn't get it back... I wouldn't of let him go get them! I have also asked for it back many times, or to replace it... NOPE...NOPE....NOPE...

Hopefully your X...clears his head and remembers co-parenting is so much nicer when your civil to each other... kids come first!

Mother2many · 07/06/2012 01:27

OH, when I was a STEPMOM... I forgot to make sure to send his coat back... so I mailed it...as I figured he would need it..during the next 2 wks... Didn't get a thank you on that one...but oh, well...

MammaTJ · 07/06/2012 01:31

YANBU BUT you collected him. Why did you not make sure you had everything when you left? This could have been easily prevented.

diddl · 07/06/2012 07:37

I also thought of that Mamma.

Should the person collecting remember to pick up everything they dropped off with the child, or is it up to the other to remember to hand back all that the child arrived with?

But at the end of the day, there´s no need for the father to be such a prat.

We´re not well off, but pretty sure that the kids often had more than one coat-and we would never have paid a lot for any of them.

YellowDinosaur · 07/06/2012 07:45

How old is your ds? If he's 3 or less and you can pm me before 10 with your address I'll send you one of my boys old ones that I am in the process of getting rid of. Your dh is a twat but agree with the advise not to rise to it.

nambysm · 07/06/2012 08:14

I think it's the job of the parent with the kid to pack everything, otherwise you're hanging around on the doorstep with a checklist!
But... It doesn't matter whose fault it is, now it's done it's Dad who holds the power to rectify and he's being a knob Grin

MammaTJ · 07/06/2012 08:25

My exes first wife always sent and inventry with their daughters clothes. It used to make me pretend to be cross but actually was quite useful in my chaotic house!

bochead · 07/06/2012 09:37

Crisis loan - an official phone call will do him good.

Charity shop jobby in the meantime

Send a checklist in future & NO coat for his next visit so you get the old one back.

Anytime you do a sleepover you run round checking the visiting child leaves with what they arrived with, same for parents doing contact - it's common sense ffs.

NOTHING grates on my nerves more than trying to score points in a way that makes the child suffer. So petty and guaranteed to make you grateful he's an ex!

Imisssleepingin · 07/06/2012 10:24

yellowdinosaur ds is 17 months.
I was just going to post the same thing, I'm sure I can dig out a couple of coats if you pm me your address.

YellowDinosaur · 07/06/2012 20:43

Sorry missed his age! I can send you one on sat if you pm me your address x

holidaysarenice · 08/06/2012 03:40

Send a text saying, as you don't want ds to be wet, you have organised a coat (don't say bought/borrowed - will annoy him more not to know) and add that since it was such a bother to him and to avoid him being put to said bother again he should organise a supply of clothes for dc at his house so that you don't have to send any and risk the non-return. End the text with - he is currently wearing age x but expect him to grow out of it in a few weeks.

If he's a tight bum he will be ripping, and annoyed he doesn't have a hold over you

milkymocha · 08/06/2012 04:17

What size is your baby in?
I could also dig out a coat if you need it - have all sorts laying about Smile

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