To expect my husband not to say things like this?

[MrsHelsBels74]

Very tired, hormonal at the moment & son is being a typical, boisterous toddler but sometimes when my husband gets home I've had enough & say that he can watch him for a bit while I go & have a cup of tea in peace & quiet. Often I hear my son ask where mummy is & I hear him reply 'mummy doesn't want to see you right now' or 'mummy can't cope with you at the moment'. AIBU to ask him just to say 'mummy's having a rest' or something similar or am I being precious (am nearly 6 months pregnant so suspect the latter but I do find it upsetting that he's telling our son I don't want to see him).

Sorry for no paragraphs but I couldn't work out a convenient break!

Just tell him to say, "I'm hone now so you can play/spend some time with daddy!". That way your son doesn't feel rejected, and he gets to spend some fun time with dad. Yanbu.

I think it's worrying you even have to ask if you are being unreasonable.

What a passive aggressive knobber.

Tell him to say you are having a shower, reading a book, talking to grandma on the phone....anything other than 'your mother can't cope with you anymore'

He knows exactly what he's saying as when I asked him about it, first of all he denied saying it, then when I said I'd heard him & that it wasn't very nice he said nor was shouting & bawling at my son, something I don't do & how would he know anyway as he's never here? It's not like I do it every night but this weekend has been particularly hard as I've not been sleeping.

He also made the comment to me that our son was lovely with him...I pointed out that son & I get bored with each other throughout the day & he's pleased to see a new face so of course he'll be lovely.

Tell him he's behaving in a ridiculous manner and the effect it might have. He's taking out his anger with you, you need to find out why he's angry win you and if you can sort it out. It's not acceptable.

I'm fact, the more I think about it, he's behaving like a knob, tell him you won't put up with it and to treat both you and your child with some respect.

His response is to come back at you with tit for tat?!

Oh for fuck's sake. How pathetic.

That a father was prepared to upset his toddler like that would give me serious pause.

It is really appalling to make a child think a parent thinks badly of them.

Pretty abusive really.

This is a totally fucked up situation. I can't believe you thought you were just being "hormonal".

If your hormones are telling you that this man is treating your son badly, your hormones are right.

MakesCakes - sincere apologies, that was not on :o

Op, really feel for you. Your H is being really unkind to both you and DS. I quite often hand my 2.5 yr old ds to sh the minute he walks through the door. Dh understands why - I am 8 month pg. So if I go upstairs for a rest I hear dh telling ds that mummy is resting or having a nap and he can see me again soon. I don't think it is hard to explain that to a toddler and it certainly won't make him feel rejected. If either me or dh want some completely undisturbed time we usually say that the absent one of us has gone shopping! Works like a treat and no one feels bad!

Hope you manage to get this sorted as you are going to need more rest and support as your pregnancy progresses. Take care.

he should not do that. it undermines your son's self-confidence and could do lasting damage. take the baby with you when you go for a rest. and sack the husband.

Each time happily announce to your DH and son you are 'me time' or 'it's my turn to have a rest' . Give DS a big kiss, then tell him you can't wait to play with him in 20 mins.

Also teach your DH what you do want him to say and keep reminding him.

Maybe you could take it in turns to have a rest when he gets in?

He really shouldn't be saying that to your toddler, it's cruel. YANBU.

Thanks everyone, I will raise the subject again tonight, husband was shouting at inanimate objects last night so didn't think it was a good time to mention it!

Your husband is out of order. You cant tell a child that his mum isnt interested in him jus because u want five minutes to yourself. You are entitled to a break and your husband needs to be told that.

Yanbu and your husband is being a bit of a twit about it how dramatic. ask him to stop saying it and you are only letting him spend some time with HIS son

That's AWFUL! What's wrong with 'Mum needs a rest?'

MY MIl used to say this ( you are such hard work mum and dad need a sleep) to dd1 when she was a toddler if she had her overnight I heard her while going back in the house to give her something, I did challenge her and DD1 didnt stay for a while after that , MIl was very passive aggressive though

I think there is nothing wrong with DH taking over for a bit while you have a break. Every single weekday dh gets in at 5.30, plays with dd for half an hour while I do whatever I want in that time (mn ing...reading...laundry) and then he bathes her feeds her and puts her to bed while I cook dinner. We both then have joint downtime of dinner tv game of cards etc then I mn and he xboxes for an hour or so.

He actually LIKES his little daily slot of time with dd and looks forward to it.

It is unfair of your dh to poisen your dc against you when you are getting that precious rest time. At 6m pg Id be going and taking a nap at that time.

Your husband sounds horrible, sorry OP. To say that to your son is very cruel IMO not to mention pathetically passive aggressive.

He was shouting at inanimate objects and you didn't want to speak to him? He really doesn't sound pleasant at all.

OP, sympathies from me too. YANBU and your husband is in the wrong.

I know how it feels as my DH has a habit of this altho slightly less unpleasant, more like "oh, sorry about the dinner boys, Mummy's burnt it again!"

We had one serious and cross conversation (once DCs were in bed) and I told him to stop. He hasn't completely as he thinks he's providing "hilarious banter" but every time he does it, I stop what I'm doing, give him the death stare and say "Please stop undermining me in front of my children". That usually shuts him up occasionally, I get an apology!

have a conversation when your DH is calm, explain how much this upsets you and may damage your children and tell him to stop at once.

YANBU, that sounds like an awful thing to tell a child. But have you actually thought of talking about this to your DH?

Ah I see you have already, he sounds mean. Hope the talk goes well tonight.

Ok so we had a chat & he's agreed not to say things like this again.
Honestly, he's not a bad person, just tired & under a lot of pressure with house renovations & he has crap days too.
We're going to both try & be a bit nicer to each other.

Hope it´s sorted.

I can´t see what´s wrong with OP foisting the child that she has had all day on her husband ASAP.

Unless he´s likely to offer her a break pretty soon after walking in.

My husband was always pounced on by our two as soon as he walked in the door.

His commute home was his winddown after work!

I'm glad you talked. What he was saying was HORRIBLE. Imagine hearing that as a child, over and over and over again. The damage it would do to your self esteem. and then the fact that it was clearly said to have a go at you for taking a few minutes to yourself.

I hope he sticks to it, for the sake of your son not growing up taking that into himself.