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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do I do?

25 replies

Kladdkaka · 05/06/2012 08:44

My brother just called and told me my dad has died. What do I do? Do I get on flight today or should I wait until I know when the funeral is? My inlaws are due to arrive tomorrow for 2 weeks. Next week is my daughter's graduation. I've made her graduation dresses, paid for ball, organised a big garden party etc. Do I cancel it all now or wait and see? I've called my husband at work and he's on his way home. It will take about 2 hours for him to get here. He doesn't know yet, he could tell something was seriously wrong but I couldn't tell him. The words wouldn't come out. Sorry, I know this isn't the right place to post, but it's where I spend my time and I don't know what to do and sorry if I don't reply to any responses. I will read them but I don't know if I can reply. I jsut don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Babylon1 · 05/06/2012 08:47

I'm very sorry for your loss Sad

What do you WANT to do? In these circumstances you have a perfect right to do what you want/need.

Imnotaslimjim · 05/06/2012 08:47

I am so, so sorry to hear about your dad

Please don't think you have to make any decisions yet. Wait for your husband to get home. He'll help you make a choice

It is difficult, trying to decide what to do for the best, but you will sort it out

((((hugs))))

Westcountrylovescheese · 05/06/2012 08:47

Don't make any decisions now. Wait for your husband to get home before even thinking about it, take some time for yourself, make decisions later. Doesn't sound like there is anything you can do by rushing off now... Give yourself time.

AllYouNeedIsAClickyBallpoint · 05/06/2012 08:49

I'm so sorry Klad :(
Could you fly over now and wait and see when the funeral is?

Sirzy · 05/06/2012 08:51

Sorry for your loss.

Wait til you have spoken to your husband.

How far from home are you?

You need to do what is right for you and your family. My first instinct would be to wait until after your daughters graduation to go, I am sure your father wouldn't want you to miss such an important occasion.

TandB · 05/06/2012 08:57

Poor you. What strategies do you have in place to deal with events that are outside your normal routine? From your posts about domestic issues I know you and your husband and daughter all struggle with breaking routines at the best of times. Is your husband going to be able to go through this with you fairly logically or are you likely to bounce off each other and get bogged down in this decision?

Would it be better to speak to your brother again and get as much information as possible and tell him all your difficulties with this decision and see what he suggests? They might be happy to hold off the funeral until after your daughter's graduation if that will make things easier for you.

marriedinwhite · 05/06/2012 09:00

I think there's a lot for you to find out first and that you need the next 24 hours to absorb this news before making any decisions.

Is your mum still alive and does she need you.
Does your mum have lots of support between now and the funeral.
When is the funeral
When will your family over there need support most of all - it may be that it would be most helpful to them if you go out afterwards perhaps for a memorial service, scattering the ashes so you are part of it.
What would your dad have wanted.
What does your daughter need both now and in the context of life skills for later and what makes up reasonable shared family expectations

Most of all, am so sorry to hear your news, please take care and give yourself time. Hope you are in DH's arms soon.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 05/06/2012 09:01

I'm sorry to hear that. What do you want to do?

The garden party etc can wait and your ILs will understand if you fly home, but if you'd feel better carrying on as usual then that's what you should do.

As an aside,, if you haven't told DH about your dad, I assume you have told him your DC are ok? Wouldn't want him driving back to you worrying about them...

DogEared · 05/06/2012 09:01

Oh no. I'm so sorry. :(

ripsishere · 05/06/2012 09:03

Married in white has an excellent set of questions.
Take care.

ZillionChocolate · 05/06/2012 09:06

The co-op funeral website has a lot of helpful information about uk funerals. To set a date you need the undertaker, church, crematorium, cemetery to all be available (depending on what you are doing). If this was unexpected then there may need to be investigations into the cause. My Grandmother died on Sunday morning and we're having her funeral next Thursday, so 11 days later. I do not think you need to leave now. When you are feeling up to it, perhaps look for flights for after your daughter's graduation. I think you will have to cut the in laws visit short or leave them to entertain themselves. If your brother is going to deal with the undertaker, give him a range of dates of when you can be present.

I am very sorry for your loss.

Original poster
Kladdkaka · 05/06/2012 09:12

Thank you everyone. My husband will be brilliant. I just have to wait for him to get here. In difficult situations he goes all emotionless, logical, do what needs to be done aspie robot as I disintegrate into an emotional wreck. I think he'll take charge once he gets here. I think I want to be with my mum. I think I need to be with my mum, for me and for her. My mum has never even been to the supermarket without my dad, they've been together since she was 14.

OP posts:
ZillionChocolate · 05/06/2012 11:10

Hope he's with you now and has taken charge and is looking after you.

HRHcatgirl1976 · 05/06/2012 11:13

I'm so sorry. I don't have any advice but I hope you are ok and that your husband is looking after you. Everything will sort itself out, you just think about you and what you want to do

fairyfriend · 05/06/2012 11:33

So sorry for your loss. I agree with others who are saying do what you want to do, everyone will understand. How old is your daughter who is graduating? I'm sure she will be happy to have her party postponed.
Although if you want to you could probably carry on with it tomorrow and then fly home. The funeral will be at least a week away. I think if it was me I'd go ahead with the graduation and then fly together as aa family.

But whatever you do is up to you, follow your heart.

PerimenopausalMyArse · 05/06/2012 12:11

Sorry for your loss x

WorraLiberty · 05/06/2012 12:14

So sorry to hear this OP Sad

Your DH sounds great though, glad you have him to look after you.

openerofjars · 05/06/2012 12:16

I'm so sorry for your loss, no useful ideas at all but deepest sympathy. Sad

lovebunny · 05/06/2012 13:01

hello. i'm so sorry for your loss. of course you don't know what to do. one thing at a time and things will work out.

hopefully your husband is home or due home and can help you.

from an outsider's point of view, if people on the spot like your brother can make the arrangements, you'd be better flying over for the funeral then returning home to your other commitments.

it's all a shock but none of it is your fault and you aren't expected to know everything.

WheresMyCow · 05/06/2012 13:37

So sorry for your loss Sad

Thumbwitch · 05/06/2012 13:42

So very sorry to hear about your Dad, Kladd. I was going to ask whether your mum was still around but as I see you have said she is, then pending what your DH thinks, I would say get on the plane as soon as you can.

Have you spoken to your mum yet? Have you asked her what she would prefer?
How much time can you afford to be away from home - as this will factor into whether you should go now or later.
How many other siblings have you got - can they look after your mum until you get there?

And sorry, but was this at all expected? Because if your Dad wasn't in a state where he was expected to die, and needs to have a post mortem, then it may be a couple of weeks before the funeral can take place - so this is another factor to think about.

Again, so very sorry for your loss - it's one of the things that terrifies me about living abroad from my family. :( and very unMNly (((hugs))) for you.

Original poster
Kladdkaka · 05/06/2012 14:13

I'm leaving to catch a flight home in a few minutes. My husband sorted it all out. Thankfully Ryanair didn't have a flight so we've had to pay for BA. Daughter's passport expired a few weeks ago but the nice man at BA has sorted it all out with the embassy so she can go home. Thank you for all your kind words.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 05/06/2012 14:22

Glad you're all sorted, Kladd, and sorry once again that it has had to happen. Have a safe trip.

AlbertoFrog · 05/06/2012 14:24

Sorry for your loss.

Hope everything goes as smoothly as possible.

Take care.

WilsonFrickett · 05/06/2012 14:25

Oh Klad Sad
Safe flight home and all the strength you need to get through the next few days and weeks x

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