To call the police about my DS's violence?

[HRHBumpingFuglies]

DS (14) has been smashing things up for 2 years - punching holes in the wall, smashing plates, cups, glasses etc. In the last 3 weeks he has broken the fence, punched a hole in his bedroom wall, broken 2 mobile phones, smashed PS3 controller...you get the idea.

In the interest of keeping my OP short:

DS has counselling (anger management)
CAMHS appt in 2 weeks (for depression)
Saw Dad today (he is not interested. DS sees him 1-2 hours every 3-4 weeks)
DS smashed a mirror, punched hole in wall in lounge today
DS threatened to break my hand in door, then tried to do so (I stuck my foot in the way)

This is why I called police. I'm sad, scared and at the end of my tether.

Hugs to you and agree worra.

What kind of things set him off Fugs?

Does it goes in cycles or anything, like being worse at the weekend?

Are you going to be alright tonight?

Oh ok well that's a blessing in a way that he's your only one because it means you don't have a duty to protect other children.

But and it's a very important but you (and he) have a duty to protect yourself from harm....And we all deserve to be safe and free from harm in our own homes.

So I think you did the right thing by calling the Police. They won't take action as you've asked them not to, but they will record this as a domestic violence incident.

And that's something that will hopefully spur CAMHS into taking this very seriously.

YANBU. Unfortunately, I've been in the same position, I won't bore you with the details but I think you can search for my post on similar subject. I can find it for you if you think it will help. Social worker rang in the middle of her kicking off and they called the police. It resulted in her going into care. I HATED having the police involved but I was genuinely scared, she is nearly 6 inches taller than me and much heavier. We couldn't go on as we were. She has similar MH issues and though I love her so much, I couldn't live with her anger and violence towards me. The police were very sensitive about the situation and though she was arrested it didn't result in a prosecution, but in real help.
I'm very wary of counting chickens, but it does seem to have resulted in a turning point, things are very very slowly getting better. You wouldn't be doing him any favours by letting his behaviour go unchecked, and you need help to protect yourself. My thoughts are with you as I know how shitty you must be feeling xx

Agent, it can be anything sets him off. Tonight it was about me asking him to disconnect PS3 and take back up to his room. I rarely watch TV but I wanted to see the royal concert thing. I think it was more about his Dad though.

Worra, I know you're right, its just...in my mind he's still a child. In reality, he's almost 6ft tall and very intimidating sometimes.

Christ Brightspark, I'm sorry. I don't want my son to go into care - that scares me more than anything, please don't take that the wrong way though.

That's just it, isn't it?

In your mind he's still a child but as you say...very tall and intimidating.

He probably doesn't see himself that way, so hopefully this will make him sit up and realise the severity of the situation. I don't know if a 14yr old boy would really believe he could scare his Mum that much.

But I bet if he saw you being attacked or intimidated by a 6ft tall person of any age, he'd be straight in to protect you!

Right again Worra - I think he'd do anything to protect me.

You know, I think I'm just having trouble believing all this is happening. It's like I could wake up tomorrow and nothing will have happened.

Yanbu, you did the right thing. Your ds needs to know that he can't continue in this way, and although you love and support him your not going to stand the violence.

I say this as someone with experience, I can't count the amount of things that were broken, and I have holes I'm walls etc from ss angry behaviour.

The police were very good with ss and gave him a good talking to when we needed help

I know, it's bringing back memories of my DS's friend and everything his poor Mum went through

She always said she couldn't pin point the exact time he started behaving the way he did...it just sort of crept up out of nowhere.

Things got a lot worse before they got a lot better...but they did eventually get much better - he says around the time he left school because he hated it.

Though I don't think that's entirely what he blames his behaviour on, because as I said even he doesn't really know what caused it.

Thank you griphook.

It must be awful walking on eggshells all the time.

It's the classic (and in this case amplified and aggressive) tantruming behaviour, making it very plain that if you do something I don't like, I will make you regret it.

And I'll make you regret it so much that next time you'll think twice about saying something you'll know I don't like.

What was he like prior to 12 YO? Is it a hormonal thing do you think, or do you think it's more serious? (not implying his behaviour if it is hormonal isn't serious).

I don't know if this will help you but I recently spoke to a relative who works with young people who was telling me that one of their most successful cases only got the required help once his mum called the police which kick started things.

I hope thing work out for you

It doesn't have to end with him in care, hopefully the encounter with the police and help from CAMHS will help to calm things down. For us , it was too little too late, partly because I couldn't accept the reality of the situation. You did the right thing, and you need to carry on making it clear that his behaviour is unacceptable, for his sake as much as yours.
Accept all the help offered to you, and do your best to get some time out and do something nice for yourself. It will help you to keep a sense of perspective and keep you sane.

Op I hope things improve for you soon and most of all you son learns how to control his anger and frustration.

My children ate only 6 and 3 so have no experience in raising teenagers, but I think you did the right thing by phoning the police

Thank you all for your replies, it's good to get it out. I think you're right Brightspark, maybe I do need some time to myself.

hugs for you. i can absolutely see where you're coming from and you've got all the right steps in place to help him. daresay his relationship with his dad doesn't help but it will be a while before he's in a position to say 'sod you dad, i'm not seeing you again'.
as for will it make him worse, who can tell? he hadn't left you with any other options, so you did what you had to do.

Hello - just wanted to offer my support. I don't have any wise words but to let you know that it crossed my mind to pick up the phone and make a similar call today after my DS threw an airconditioning unit down his loft ladder. And who also rugby tackled me out of the way when I was trying to get him to stay in the house rather than stalk off. I realise that of course I should have just let him go as to 'cage' him just sparked the temper (I'm not taking responsibility btw!)

I wrote him a really really long letter this afternoon - trying to use non inflammatory language etc and wrote down exactly how his behaviour was impacting on EVERYTHING and that at 6ft tall (and only 13) he can no longer use physical force against me, his younger sister or family property. I told him that I was a hair's whisker away from calling the police / social services.He digested it all and I did get an apology - says he had no idea blah blah blah. We will see - he's a clever lad. I suspect that this isn't the end but Ive told him in no uncertain terms that if he lays a finger on me, his sister or damages property again then I will be faced with no choice but to call the police.

It breaks my heart that this is even a consideration but I do think you did absolutely the right thing. My (limited) experience of teenagers is that the world so completely revolves around them, they need a wake up call now and then about the wider consequences of their behaviour - with some that's a quick chat, with others it's the boys in blue.

Take care of yourself - you did the right thing x

I don't have anything useful to say except that I have the same issues with my 15 year old, who has ASD. The combination of ASD and teenager is not pretty. He gets very angry and goes from 0-100 in a second. He kicks doors and walls, throws stuff, pushes and hits, shouts etc. I have several times very nearly called the police on him, but I am scared of that too and how he would be dealt with. Although he's 15 and at a mainstream school, emotionally he is immature. But one day I will have no choice. I too live like I'm walking on egg-shells and I'll watch this thread with interest.

You are doing the right thing. We lived in terror of my brother for so long. He was unpredictable violent and ruled the house with fear. He made all our lives a misery and on a few occassions I wished my mum would have rung the police. No one could check his tantrums and they would escalate to frightening levels. He did try to kill himself by jumping out the window but it was rage more than anything else in honesty. He isn';t really a much clamer person now that he is older, that terrible temper turned into a very bad habit that he cannot see past. He is very damaged and an intervention like the police may have cooled his jets in the long run. No one could get through to him

I really feel for you, just reading your posts brought it all back. the screaming, the fear the pain and the shame too. everyone knew what he was like, he had no friends and people taunted us about him. Shit how people are sometimes

I'd be tempted to starting totting up the cost of all these broken bits and bobs. Get a list together and then work out replacement costs for everything.
Explain how the family will now miss out on XYZ because of his destructive behaviour.

Id be tempted to tell him any more and you will sell the damn PS3 to pay for the repairs.

Then spell out the intimidating behaviour you have endured. And explain the damage that has done (that you are now scared of him, you are walking on egg shells, that you feel unsafe in your own home) and spell out the consequences if this behviour continues (that you wil call the police, he might spend a night in the cells, and worst case scenario, he may end up in care.) Dont pull your punches, but equally, don't get emotional.

Once he understands cause and effect, suggest ways in which he could channel his aggression. Sport is good. Weights are good - build the body, boost the self esteem.

Yanbu to call the police (obviously)! Except for the fact that you then asked them not to arrest him. You know, if you don't want them to arrest him, you could've just not wasted their time by not calling - instant no arrest! What did you want them to do. They aren't there to say 'now do as your mum says' and go away again, they aren't his dad or something. I think you should have grown a pair and let them place him under arrest and show him that actually his actions were criminal and very serious, rather than proving that his mum is a complete wet blanket that he can do what he likes to and nobody will do anything about it.

Oh no my sympathies are with you. I've know so many people go through this and there seems to be no good answer to give you. You were defo NOT UNREASONABLE. he can't get away with it.

RightBugger - I see what you mean but I wasn't intending to waste their time, I just wanted them to stop him. Which they did.

Hatti - I suggested weights but he's just not interested!