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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed that my Mum said she couldn't have me & DS to lunch cos she was tired but then go out to street party

24 replies

Ilovethenorth · 04/06/2012 14:04

My DH has been away this weekend (Friday a.m to tonight) onn a stag do in France.
My mum offered to come and stay one night to keep me company and also offered to have me and DS over for lunch on Sunday.
Thursday night she phoned and said she was going to cancel lunch as it was too much for her/she'd be too tired - she was out all day friday and was doing something from early morning Saturday which would obviously wear her out!?
I said fine. I'd offered to cook lunch at our house today which I still did despite being a bit worn out from looking after 19month old limpit DS all wkend.
Mum and Stepdad came for lunch and Stepdad mentioned they had been to a street party yesterday afternoon and out to their local WMC last night.
AIBU to be upset that Mum managed to get out and about and do other things despite telling cancelling having us over as she would be tired?
I am not saying they can't be sociable btw but I am upset that I thought she would be at home resting but actually was out doing stuff.
I would have preffered to be told she wanted to do other stuff rather than be given an excuse.
Am preparing for your direct responses!

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 04/06/2012 14:08

Maybe she knew she'd be tired from attending the street party.
I don't suppose she has to tell you what she does all the time does she.

YANBU to be a little upset that she blew you out though, not nice.

How hard is it to cook dinner fore 2 extra people.

SleepingDogz · 04/06/2012 14:10

i dont get why looking after your child would make you worn out Confused

mum should have been more honest but perhaps she found the one night she stayed over with you enough, who knows

FetchezLaVache · 04/06/2012 14:13

Well, she said she was doing something all day Saturday that would wear her out, and she was! I don't get the problem, really.

Original poster
Ilovethenorth · 04/06/2012 14:20

SHe didn't actually end up staying overnight with me so not sure how she could have used that as an excuse. If she had stayed I could have seen why she might not want us to come for lunch too.

Erm, sorry for being supermum. I have a hernia so lifting DS etc makes me a a bit more worn out. We also have 2 dogs so it all adds to the mix.

It isn't hard to cook dinner for 2 extra people. That's why I did it today.

The thing is she asked us to lunch when she already knew she was going to be busy doing the stuff the previous days so just thought she might have realised she would already be tired.

I am just a little disppointed to be blown out as I was looking forward to it and DS loves to see her and stepdad which we hardly ever do. Thats all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovethenorth · 04/06/2012 14:21

that should read for "not being supermum" btw

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 04/06/2012 14:22

I wasnn't referring to you cooking for two extra people, I meant your mum. She could have easily done this.

Either way, I still don't think she's being unreasonable.

yellowraincoat · 04/06/2012 14:22

Honestly, that would upset me a little bit, yes.

Is it a one-off or does she often do things like that?

Original poster
Ilovethenorth · 04/06/2012 14:28

I know you were Damn. That's why I said I still did it today as it's not hard.

She does things like that quite often. I suppose I should be used to it.

Was just hoping for a bit of company and like I say DS loves to see them.

OP posts:
yellowraincoat · 04/06/2012 14:38

I don't think it's a case of getting used to it. I'm not into people cancelling stuff all the time - I used to do it cos I thought people didn't care if I came or not - but I wasn't often out doing something else, more likely sitting at home feeling sorry for myself.

yellowraincoat · 04/06/2012 14:39

Yikes, sorry forgot to finish.

Does she know it upsets you? Maybe she doesn't realise how much her visits mean?

DamnBamboo · 04/06/2012 14:43

Tell her that you don't appreciate being blown out last minute all the time.
Do it to her once or twice and see how she likes it, if that doesn't work.

AKE2012 · 04/06/2012 15:10

i think she should have been honest and said i am doing other things instead. Id be pretty annoyed at her.

squeakytoy · 04/06/2012 15:25

there is a difference between feeling to tired to be up to hosting and entertaining people, especially an active toddler, and going out to something where you can just relax and enjoy it while other people do the work..

Original poster
Ilovethenorth · 04/06/2012 15:56

Even when the active toddler is her only Grandchild and I am her only child?

I can see it is easier to go somewhere and relax while other people are hosting, there is nothing I like better!
However to invite, someone over then change your mind and tell them not to come is a little unfair I feel. If she knew she was going to be tired she shouldn't have invited me in the first place.

I don't think she would be bothered if I did the same. She only sees us when she has nothing better to do.

I don't know why I am more upset this time. I don't have any other family so I guess that's why. And feeling hormonal atm!

OP posts:
bobbledunk · 04/06/2012 16:00

It is tiring and hard work hosting lunch with a toddler, the last thing most people would want to do when not in the best form tbh. A street party on the other hand takes no effort, is relaxing and fun so you shouldn't take it personally as a slight on you.

monkeymoma · 04/06/2012 16:06

YABU, I felt like crap yesterday (early pregnancy), cancelled something I was supposed to do in the morning but still went to a street party, I didn't have to DO anything at the street party, just get a bit of fresh air and calm my nausea with cream teas.

No way would I have felt up to hosting a lunch, particularly one with other peoples kids, didn't even make my own kid lunch I bought it out

but I went to a street party Hmm was I BU?

EmmaCate · 04/06/2012 16:07

YABU in the nicest way possible... arranging a meal/ prepping house for guests (many people are programmed to do this even for theoretically relaxed family) can take it out of you mentally and physically in the wake of a lot of recent activity. Going out when you aren't organising can be restful.

monkeymoma · 04/06/2012 16:08

"Even when the active toddler is her only Grandchild and I am her only child?"

err yeah! I didn't even make my only child lunch at home yesterday cause I felt like poo, taking him out to a street party and buying him lunch was much more doable!

SarahBumBarer · 04/06/2012 19:01

Rescinding an invitation without a very good reason is bad form and YANBU for being disappointed.

Also Biscuit to sleepingdogz

I have had 22 month DS all to myself this weekend (and no dogs either OP to cope with) as DH is working all nights and sleeping during the days and I am absofuckinglutely knackered. My mum was supposed to be coming down to help this weekend but my gran died last week - now that is a proper excuse!

Original poster
Ilovethenorth · 04/06/2012 19:31

Sorry to hear about your Gran Sarah.
Thanks for your support.

Monkey - I think your situation is different as you are pg and feeling pants. Appreciate you didn't want to cook so went out and gave your child lunch there. Fair enough.

I am not disputing going out and having stuff laid on is much easier than entertaining.
I am just sad that Mum didn't think she would be tired before offering to have us over/come and stay obviously resulting in her withdrawing the invitation.
Also the things she was doing on the other days were her choice - she didn't have to do them.

Anyway, it's done now and I've obviously got to get over it!

On the plus side DH back soon!

OP posts:
redwineformethanks · 04/06/2012 19:44

I think it's rude she changed her plans

maddening · 04/06/2012 19:58

if it had been the other way round you'd have been unreasonable for changing plans on your mother and taking away gc time, being rude etc

your mum was unreasonable for changing plans on you and making up an excuse. She could have even asked you and dc over to street party.

Triggles · 04/06/2012 21:14

Perhaps she simply underestimated how tired she would be. Not really that huge an issue, is it? I think you are possibly being oversensitive.

JosieZ · 05/06/2012 19:01

The problem is there is a difference between doing stuff for others and doing stuff for yourself.

Going to a street party is doing stuff for yourself. So it is not tiring ( so no need for DM to 'rest'). Cooking meal for DD and GC and having GC to stay overnight is doing for others. So tiring.

Cooking lunch, despite being worn out by 19 month old limpit, is doing stuff for yourself, as it gives you a break from being on your own with DS, but is also doing something for others. So you are feeling that you put yourself out for DM by cooking lunch but in fact are doing both, something for her and for yourself .

I would have preffered to be told she wanted to do other stuff rather than be given an excuse. Am preparing for your direct responses!
I think the Jubilee stuff came up unexpectedly for her (as it did for me as I went to unexpected bonfire and booze up last night) So she went out with DSF and friends.

She was a bit selfish, you are possibly expecting alot. In her shoes you might do the same.

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