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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Holiday issue, who is being unreasonable?

38 replies

Lilicat1013 · 03/06/2012 14:35

I was curious to get other people's opinions on this as I am arguing with my husband about this again.

His parents live quite far away, too far to just pop up for a visit and even a weekend visit isn't really worth it as we would spent most of the time travelling. So whenever we do visit it is for a holiday, a week long visit. We can't stay with them so we stay at a near by caravan site.

We are on a low income and this is our only holiday and we can barely afford it. If we weren't going to see them we wouldn't be going on holiday as it is really not something in our budget.

We have just been to see them in April but they are already on at us about when we will be visiting again, despite me saying we can't afford to. We get a huge guilt trip laid on about how they never get to see their grandchild.

My husband's view is that his mother becomes depressed about now seeing her grandchild and would should put every bit of spare income and overtime towards going to see them a second time this year. He points out they have even offered to pay some of the costs.

My view is that that earn significantly more than us and are very able of booking a holiday and coming to visit their grandchild here if they wanted. They have come here before but have said they wont again, as it is too expensive and takes up their annual leave. It is obviously far easier if we come to them.

We don't have enough money for a second holiday and them offering money makes no difference to that as they have offered money for things before, promising it after we book it. So we book it and never see the money. So I don't believe them when they offer anything.

To add to this I am pregnant and am not going to be happy to spend hours in the car for something that is not a holiday for me and my son is autistic. Last time we went he was miserable and didn't sleep or eat, he hates being out of his routine.

So who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Treblesallround · 03/06/2012 14:37

YANBU, they should do the trip if they want a second get-together

maddening · 03/06/2012 14:38

yanbu, either they come to visit you or if they are so fucking desperate they can pay for you - why can't you stay with them?

maddening · 03/06/2012 14:39

and they pay upfront

ToryLovell · 03/06/2012 14:40

YANB at all U.

So it's ok for you to spend money and use up A/L to go there but not ok for them to do the same to visit you - tell em to sod off

MrsTrellisOfSouthWales · 03/06/2012 14:40

They need to come to you.

letseatgrandma · 03/06/2012 14:40

They are-they sound selfish and unreasonable. Surely it uses up your/DH's annual leave as well!?

Your DH doesn't really sound on your side tbh.

waitingforgodot · 03/06/2012 14:41

they should come to you because
a) you are pregnant and the journey is too long
b) your son is autistic and his routine will be affected whereas if they came to you then he would be much more settled and likely to enjoy their company more

Eglu · 03/06/2012 14:42

YANBU if MIL wants to see you that much she will come to you.

How selfish saying it uses up their annual leave. Stick to your guns.

LucieMay · 03/06/2012 14:43

Not unreasonable. Their turn to visit you.

Rindercella · 03/06/2012 14:44

Yanbu. You should be taking it in turns.

Interesting that they don't want to come & see you because it costs top much & eats into their annual leave. If there was ever a good time to use the face it's for that attitude.

NevilleBarnes · 03/06/2012 14:44

Would it be possible to find somewhere midway so you only have to travel half the distance? Would this make a weekend trip possible? That might solve the annual leave problem.

ilovesooty · 03/06/2012 14:45

They should come to you and your husband should support you in this.

Mrsjay · 03/06/2012 14:48

YANBU you visited already if they really want to see the baby again they should come to you , Its not fair if your cant afford to go again , or midway sounds a good idea maybe a caravan holiday all together

MunroMagic · 03/06/2012 14:49

YANBU. They should come and see you if they want a second visit of the year, or as a second choice pay for you to stay with them (covering all your costs). I would be firm and don't be pressurised into it.

Dee03 · 03/06/2012 14:50

YANBU

Wigglewoo · 03/06/2012 14:53

Yanbu.

You can't afford it. You're pregnant and it stresses your little one out.

They have money to do it and are bordering on emotionally blackmailing you.

If they want to see you there is nothing stopping them.

Original poster

Lilicat1013 · 03/06/2012 14:54

Thank you for the replies.

To answer your questions -

No, my husband really isn't on my side. He tends to do what ever his parents ask of him. The fact that he wont ever disagree with them or suggest an alternative is endlessly frustrating. I find the family situation very controlling, he is told what to do and expected to do it.

We can't stay at their home because it wouldn't be very safe for my son who has special needs and because there is a lack of space.

I think my husband really does know they are being unreasonable but I doubt he will ever stand up to them. At the moment I have told him if he wants to go again he needs to work out a way to pay for it by himself as I do the finances and the finances say we can afford on holiday this year and we have had one holiday. I assume he will be saving his personal money for it and I doubt he will be able to do it but I am attempting not to get involved.

OP posts:

pumpkinsweetie · 03/06/2012 15:01

YANBU - They should put the effort in to see you as you have already been to see them once already.
You do not have the funds and you are pregnant so an added stressful situations are not good for your wellbeing.
If mil gets 'depressed' not seeing her grandchild she should not put all the blame on you, A: you live too far apart B:you do not have the funds and if your dc are so important she would not want you getting so stressed whilst carrying her gc and she would make the trip to see you.
I would put my foot down and say "no not this year while im pregnant how about next year?"

pumpkinsweetie · 03/06/2012 15:03

Your dh sounds like mine op, he gets told what to do by pils and follows it

Spiritedwolf · 03/06/2012 15:17

Lilicat, that doesn't solve this issues of you having to travel and take an unrelaxing holiday whilst pregnant and your son being unsettled. Are you happy to go if your DH/his parents really pay for the whole thing?

Will they come to you to visit the new baby? If its a hassle visiting them at the moment it'll be tougher to do so when you are recovering from childbirth/cs and are tired looking after a new baby.

I'm pregnant and live away from my DMil too. She's coming up to visit for about a week when baby will be about 2-3 months old and has arranged accomodation. (We are also going down to DH's sister's wedding at the end of the year when baby will be about 5/6 months. We get on well with this side of the family, but we don't visit each other every year due to cost.)

This seems quite good to us, because its her first GC of course she'll want to meet him/her but its also convient because it gives us a bit of time to settle into having a new baby, we don't have the cost/hassle of the journey and as she won't be staying with us we don't have the stress of playing host.

Do you think that you/your DH could suggest that they make arrangements to visit you a month or two after your baby arrives? Maybe a new baby will be a big enough draw for them to come to you and they might be more understanding of why it would be difficult for you to visit them at that point.

Its totally unreasonable for them to acknowledge the hassle and expense of being the ones to travel and then expect you to do it everytime, especially whilst pregnant and with a SN child. It should either be turn-about or their job to visit (as its Mil who is desperate to see them more than once a year).

ToryLovell · 03/06/2012 15:23

Missed the other issues - tell your DH that your DS' paed has advised against it as it is too distressing and your MW has suggested it is a bad idea for you to travel long distances. He can go by his self if he can save up the money as he obviously wants to so desperately.

pumpkinsweetie · 03/06/2012 15:44

Tory those sound like great suggestions, try that op dh will be none the wiser x

redskyatnight · 03/06/2012 15:47

Skype :)

inabeautifulplace · 03/06/2012 17:10

They are being laughably unreasonable. You are pregnant and skint, with a special needs child. There are 3 incredibly good reasons why staying at home is a good idea for you. Their comparable reasons are the expense (which you state they could afford) and taking leave. What they are actually telling you is that having surplus cash and time away from work is MORE IMPORTANT than spending time with you. Rightly, you would be FURIOUS if they said this to your face.

puds11 · 03/06/2012 17:16

Thats totally unfair of them! You have already been to see them, spending money which no doubt could have been used for a better cause. If your MIL misses her grandchildren that much then she flipping well make the effort to go see them! Your DH is been wet.

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