Kids and tidying up

[LucyLastik]

So, I've posted before about my DD1 who point blank refuses to do anything she is asked around the house, for example, picking up her school bag and putting it away, putting her clothes in the laundry basket etc. She is 8 years old and to be honest, I think these are pretty basic things which make my life easier. DS has now taken to getting things out and leaving them laying around the place and DD2 is starting to follow the pair of them.

I have repeatedly asked all 3 of them to pick up their things from the living room today. I have been repeatedly ignored. So I gave them fair warning that if their things weren't picked up, I would bag them up and take them to the bin shed. We live in a really small, crowded 2 bed flat. I don't ask for much, just that at the end of the day, there is space on the sofa to sit and that the floor can at least be seen.

DD1 has taken to picking things up when it suits and dumping them on the sofa, on her bed, on my bed or just anywhere she fancies. I've tried really hard to give them homes for all their belongings and it makes me mad that she can't be bothered to put things back in their homes. I get the old "it's not my mess..." line when they are asked to do anything.

Anyway, I did as I said I would and have bagged up all their stuff from the front room. I then made a show of taking it out to the bin shed when in reality it is hiding in the electric meter cupboard out in the hallway.

DD1 is crying and shouting at me now at the injustice of it all because her school bag went into the "rubbish" bag. Her glasses (which she only needs for reading, writing, computer etc) are in the school bag. She is currently in her bed, shouting at me and disturbing 2yo DD2 who is trying to get to sleep in the next room.

I am doing my best to ignore her. Have I been unreasonable? Part of the problem is that they are just not used to me threatening something then following it through. I've made a stand today and it hasn't gone down well!

Part of the problem is that they are just not used to me threatening something then following it through.

Therein lies your problem to be brutally honest.

I know

Agreed, do you think she gets away with not tidying up at school?

You have to stick with it, if you do, you will be rewarded really quite quickly.

Excellent, you agree. Now stick to your guns, stay calm and firm and lay down some simple rules that they have to keep. make the consequences something that matter to them.
It will be tough for a while, but you need to get some level of control in your own home.

I think if you stick with what you say you will do and your children see that, there'll be a change in their attitudes very quickly.

Have you tried reward charts? My niece still has one at nine years old and it works well for her.

Thanks all.

The shouting has subsided now, but DD2 is acting up in her place.

She doesn't get away with anything at school! She is such a good girl when she is there, her listening ears seem to work every time .

DD1 was bellowing at me about how unfair it was. I picked up some baby wipes that I had left on the sofa and put them away. She started screeching that it was unfair that I got to keep the wipes and her glasses got thrown away. I told her that leaving the wipes on the sofa was my mess and I tidied it up, which is why I get to keep them. I've explained again that decisions/actions have consequences and the consequence of them not picking up their things is that they have hit the electric cupboard bin.

I will stand firm. I didn't even raise my voice. I surprised myself

It is good that you have followed through on you threat.

My dmum is a CM and all the toys at her house are in a big cupboard so they arent allowed to get anything outunless the current stuff is tidied into it.

Could you get them a 'Bedroom Bucket'? So when they go to bed they fill their bucket with everything of theirs that needs to go back upstairs and take it with them? Then in the mirning they bring it down with yesterdays laundry or stuff they need to use that day? you could even go so far as to say they only bring stuff down in the bucket so when they go ti get something you can say "well take x y and z up when you go?"

She's choosing to be a PITA.
You can sort both of them out if you stay strong and don't start feeling guilty or cry.

Good for you. Keep strong.

Well done!

One question though,how are you going to get around returning the stuff (and I'm presuming you will have to,especially if they are glasses etc)?Maybe get them to do chores to earn them back?I'd suggest that for every 24 hours without them having a strop,they get to chose one thing to be returned.That way,they will have learned the lesson the hard way,and you'll get some peace and quiet in the meantime :)

It sounds like you haven't been anywhere near firm enough in the past but well done for doing it now. Please stick to it!!

I am a stickler for tidiness. My DS is 4 and he is very good at tidying, far better than DH!! Nursery have noticed and are always commenting on it but I have done it from the beginning and I have done the bag thing like you. I have put it all in a bag with a threat that it will go out to the bin men. That has been enough for me and I have returned stuff to him when he has behaved enough to earn it back. I can also use this as an effective punishment. I would have said that the bin men returned it had I actually out it out in the bin but I have thrown away the odd thing (luckily cheap crap that he is attached to that I didn't care about). It worked and DD who is 16 months is copying DS.

Keep going as you have now started and they will all realise that you mean business. If necessary, pick something you know is important to them but you know didn't cost the earth or something and actually throw it away. They soon learn!

Yeah but what's going to happen when you give her glasses back

Surely then they'll all know you didn't really throw the stuff out

Basically you've tidied it up for them and put it outside for a while.

My dad once chucked out 3 dresses of mine i left in the living room for a week. I was 16 and working had bought them on my own about £40 -£50 each. I had a million warnings to get them of the clothes horse and didn't so he chucked the lot.

Never ever left anything down there again.

I think they have to earn their stuff back. Wash the car or what ever - then all the bin stuff/mess needs to be placed tidily.

try a no screen time/ no lunch/tea rule if the rooms are a mess

get a timer and set it for 10 mins - remove anything laying about still

The Tidy Up song (to the tune of Frere Jacque) gets mine tidying like loons!! Do it with them first and turn it into a game. Sounds weird but it works for me! 'Tidy u up, Tidy u up, Tidy uuuup, Tidy uuup!

I@m thinking the same as Worral - if it's stuff she needs for school - eg the school bag and glasses, and presumably other bits and bobs, then you are either going to heve to let her have it back, or replace it, so you are not really teaching her anything at this point other than "I'm saying I've done one thing, but actually I haven't".
I agree with the principle - but you have to think through the consequences of chucking out something you know she needs to have.

Agree saying it was in the bin was probably a mistake- next time make the threat that it will go in a bin bag to be earned back.

You can rectify the mistake easily enough though, say nothing else tonight and then tomorrow (before they notice it's not really in the bin) explain that you were deliberately teaching them a lesson and they can use the bank holiday few days to earn their stuff back. Chores, tidying rooms and a general make the flat sparkle day is in order. Try to avoid it becoming unbearable,get them to choose 'cleaning music' and once they are working positively make it fun and be enthusiastic. If you can create positive connotations with cleaning up you are winning and will be more likely to have long term success IMO.