Is dh BU - he wants school to write apology to ds

[MamaMaiasaura]

Ds1 (12) is being bullied every day. Low level but relentless but same couple of lads who are very popular. Ds had his residential trip this past week and likely his only big school trip as finances allow. Before going we spoke to school about the bullying and assured that they would deal with it and that he would not be sharing a room or in a group with either boy.

He came home tonight and had I hare a room with one of the boys. They were ok till Thursday when this boy stopped ds (again) from using the loo as he was taking his 3rd shower of the day. When ds came back this boy thought it amusing that ds had to use the horrible loos and they started arguing. This boy often says that I am a prostitute and a slag and ds retaliated by saying this boys mum was and his dad a drug dealer. The thee boy absolutely cried buckets and was distraught. Ds felt very bad and apologised and even bought him sweets (I personally dot think he should have as this was after the other lad has literally gone on at ds for years). The school moved ds out of the room and most of the other children (bar ds's friends) were all wanting to beat up ds.

Dh is fuming (as am I) that the school put them in the same dorm despite being aware of issues. We already have a meeting booked for 19 June but he wants them to write a letter of apology to ds for rooming him with this lad, after assuring us they wouldn't.

Not I hare - share.
iPhone is crap

Other not thee

Now are you SURE this is the whole story? I am sure your DS HAS been bullied but is it possible he has decided that this break would not be HIM as the victim and he's tried to turn the tables?

I don't think the school will write a letter of apology to DS....he's been bulied but done some back....it turned nasty when the rest turned on poor ds and he had them all at him....has he got some friends to turn to? Or is he generally struggling socially?

yes and no.
he shouldnt have had to share a room but he also shouldn't have stooped to their level.
cant complain about a bully if you do the same back imo.

Not sure about the letter, of course they were wrong to put your DS in with this lad after saying they wouldn't, but I just can't see them apologising to him like that and you might be better concentrating on things you're likely to be able to get from them.

DD1 (11) often comes home with stories of how someone said something horrible to her, she says something back, then everyone sides with the other person and she's left looking and feeling like it was 100% her.

The only thing to do is for them (your DS and my DD) not to lower themselves to the DC who's saying shits level.

Much easier to give as advice than to do in reality when your 11/12 though.

You should have any concerns you have answered by the school, plus a plan for how they're going to tackle this in the future.

Your poor DS, how's he feeling about it now? (and I don't blame you or your DH getting mightily pissed off at how this has panned out)

No he shouldn't have retaliated, but it was the final straw and this boy has been doing this since year 4. He's the "popular lad", although his mate wasn't there so I think perhaps that made a difference to my sons confidence. I wouldn't call it bullying when this lad has been going on an on at ds and for him to verbally retaliate isn't bullying is it?

He has a good group of friends (ds) and is a generally hardworking nice boy, likes to help others, refuses to tease other kids and will speak out if they are being mean to a particular boy who has SN. But ds can have a sharp tongue and sometimes rather than thinking it, he says it (after provocation).

I know ds didn't start it as he is honest at times to a fault and will say exactly what he's said word for word. His reasoning is that if he lied and the teacher found out, he'd be in more trouble.

He did have lots of fun on the trip and they weren't together or activities. I think what grates is that ds was made to use a toilet well away from their room when they had ensuite facilities and this lad was having a power trip almost as ds didn't want to argue. The teachers were good with ds about it after (as in they don't tell him off but equally they shouldn't have had them sharing in first place and the gang mentality should have been stopped sharp ish).

What we want is that the 2 boys not to be allowed to verbally abuse (and physically) ds or any other child for that matter. Especially in lesson times. They are well known for bullying. Ds is no angel but he is also a kind boy.

I dot think school would pen an apology to ds but bless dh for wanting them to.

The bullies need showing...I agree that retaliation is not bullying. I well remember how groups will turn in defence of a child who is popular...and also how some kids will turn on the tears when they sense the worm turning.

If I were you, I would advise DS to simply blank this boy...UNLESS he says something mean...and then he should report it to his tutour and write it down in a diary...he should keep this diary for two weeks...then tgether, you DH and DS go to the HT and present the findings.

It's not on.

Great idea re diary - that's something we wanted ds to do. Got apt 19 June so that'll be about a week of notes but it will have to do.

I think he cried as his mate wasn't there, and yes because he the popular lad, ds felt like everyone was against him. Then other kids started saying ds said x,y and z even tho he hadn't just to get in on it.

Reminds me of my school days

Yeah me too mama the little shitheads.

Is there anything you can do for DS to keep his confidence up? New activity of some kind perhaps? Keep tellling him he's fantastic and bullies only bully because they have someone else doing it to them...(usually a parent or someone else with power)

Ds is ok I think. I tell him often we love him and he's brilliant with his little sister and brother. He does scouts and rugby.

Thank you house

I don't think it's acceptable or OK at any level, but often children who know what it's like to be on the receiving end are the most empathetic and kind people in the end.

It's a horrible lesson to have to learn though.

And I agree it's lovely your DH feels so protective of him even though he's probably reigning himself in on what he'd really rather do it's this kind of behaviour (parents being outraged on your behalf) that'll be the best thing for your DS

Well things change a LOT in the last couple of years of secondary if I remember correctly....hopefully a zero tolerance attitude will be adopted and I thnk you need to push for that...he sounds very balanced though which is lovely.

My experience of schools is that if a child retaliates they really struggle, because they cannot see the child as a true victim of bullying IYKWIM.

I can't see your DS getting a letter of apology, schools find apologies kinda difficult .... But you can ask to make a plan in which your DS is better protected from this.

In my experience a lot of the boys who are really very popular at this age have accrued too much power, and as young humans, they tend to abuse it.
My DS has been horribly bullied, and seeks to befriend the bullies I see his reasoning, but we have discussed that a kid of that age will gain power either by being generally really nice, or most likely because there is an element of social fear, in which case that power is going to be abused. It's human nature!
This often will escalate into bullying, and schools tend to find it more convenient to lay the blame at the door of the isolated kid who evetually bites back, and therefore asked for it

Keep that diary! And create a plan in which everyone involved has objectives Get it in writing, or take notes yourself and confirm by email (print it!) Then if there are further incidents you refer straight back to the plan created by all parties and ask why X/Y/Z happened/was not dealt with/ is being punished.

'My experience of schools is that if a child retaliates they really struggle, because they cannot see the child as a true victim of bullying IYKWIM.'

I find this bit really difficult, I don't want DD to sit back and let them walk all over her, I know it can make you feel like shit looking back on the situation thinking 'why didn't I do anything??'

I probably end up giving her mixed messages by telling her to be sarky with them and then saying to ignore.

There's no single right answer, I've started saying to her school will only end up being part of her overall life and it's not easy for anyone.