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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU mother shouting in my face?

27 replies

Nightwish · 01/06/2012 14:41

My mother is a bit of a funny one.

I had to have a kidney ultrasound so she had DS for me, almost 3 years old.
She only had him around half an hour as I drove up to hers straight after my scan.
DS is a bit grumpy and in a not listening mood today, as 3 year olds sometimes are.
After having a bit of lunch and just sitting around talking to mum and my DBro's girlfriend mum decided she was going off to watch the news.

DS said he needed a wee, then started playing up once he was on the toilet.
I was trying to calm him down, knowing once he stopped shouting and listened he would go to the toilet, after a few mins my mum comes back out of the living room saying she shouldn't need to listen to DS shouting or screaming and to take him off the toilet.
I calmly explained that he had asked for the toilet and I was waiting for him to calm down so he would go to the toilet, and said I will bring him out once he is done. So she starts shouting at me, and I said he is my son, I will do things the way I believe I should and then shut the toilet door.

Then my mum decided to open the door and shout in my face that it was her house, I asked her to stop shouting so she shouting even louder, literally at the top of her voice, lent over me and grabbed DS off the toilet, walking off with him.
He looked worried and was holding his arms out for me so I told her to give him back to me.
So I took him and she stormed off shouting at me to leave her house.

I packed up our things and came home.

AIBU to think shouting at me full on in the face in front of my son is not acceptable? No matter if she thinks she is in the right.

I was so shocked at her shouting so loud at me and DS that I actually wanted to cry, sounds a bit sad I know, but I didn't give her that satisfaction.

She has done something not so different recently, but her excuses are always that she is tired, and my dad always stands up for her saying she doesn't mean it.
It doesn't bother me if she doesn't want to look after DS, I can arrange other things, but I can quite honestly say I don't even want to go up there and see her anymore.

OP posts:
DogEared · 01/06/2012 14:43

YANBU at all Shock

Pollykitten · 01/06/2012 14:48

Is she menopausal? My mum turned into the devil's handmaiden for about 5 solid years - completely and utterly mad as a box of frogs. It made her aggressive, intolerant, just plain furious a lot of the time. It was very unhappy for everyone and I remember my dad would stand up for her around this time in relation to us. If she isn't, then she sounds irrational and I would be surprised if you got much satisfaction from trying to have it out about the specific incident. Maybe your opening gambit could be to ask her if everything is alright?

Eglu · 01/06/2012 14:50

YANBU, and don't let her get away with excuses. If she says that she was tired or whatever excuse, tell her quite firmly that there is no excuse to speak to anyone like that ever.

Eglu · 01/06/2012 14:51

I would also tell her she frightened your son and should be ashamed of herself.

IAmBooybilee · 01/06/2012 14:53

it sounds like she has something going on. if this isn't normal behaviour then i would bet anything she is stressed or as others say menoapausal. my mum was truly truly awful during her menopause.

Helenh90 · 01/06/2012 14:54

YADNBU!!! She shouldn't have shouted at you like that, whether in front of your DS or not. Sounds to me like she has some anger issues to deal with, I have a 3 year old DD and can totally see where you're coming from with the whole 'not wanting to co-operate' thing. Any normal adult would have no problems understanding this and would have just let you get on with it..

Original poster
Nightwish · 01/06/2012 14:56

Ah.. this isn't meant to be me drip feeding, as I left I said loud enough for her to hear in the other room that I think she has got something seriously wrong with her if she behaves like that.

So that won't have helped things either.

And as from previous experience she won't apologize, my dad will make excuses and expect things to always go straight back to normal.
Fed up with it.

I wouldn't be surprised if she was menopausal Polly, she had head traumas at a young age and apparently this can bring it on early, she 43 anyway. But she has been like this for a long time really, and nothing ever helps, she won't talk to people about anything although I have given her the opportunity many times.

I just feel like its the last straw. Utterly fed up with it, I mean if she want s to shout at me I can put up with it, but right in front of DS frightening him too? No I don't think so Angry.

OP posts:
DizzyKipper · 01/06/2012 14:56

Shock What the hell? You're definitely not being unreasonable, if that was my mum and she did that I wouldn't bother seeing her for a long long time.

NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown · 01/06/2012 15:02

That's a horrible way to treat anyone but your own daughter? And in front of your son?! You've every right to be pissed off!

I don't think you should let it go, I'd have it out with her when your DS is not around obviously. If he sees you being treated like this he'll think it's normal and acceptable and it's not. She will also start to believe there's nothing wrong with the way she's behaving if she's not challenged and people make excuses for her.

She may have underlying reasons for her behaviour so I'd give her a chance to explain, but I'd definitely be looking for alternative childcare if you need it in future and I'd make it plain it wasn't to happen again

AdoraBell · 01/06/2012 15:06

YANBU

I've heard the "I'm tired/stressed/overworked" and "she/he didn't mean it/is a good person" lines, but I won't accept that kind of behaviour unless the person has a diagnosed MH issue that is known to cause it.

I'm shattered today, but I didn't shout at the DDs and won't be shouting at anyone else I encounter. I can't claim to never shout, but I save it for when the OH really pisses me off and even then it's not right in his face or as loud as I can.

Ormiriathomimus · 01/06/2012 15:13

As someone who is going through the menopause I would suggest losing your rag is quite a common symptom. I also started at around 42 so not that early.

It's up to you what you make of it, but FWIW it could easily be the reason especially if it's not like her normal behaviour. And those who say it's not an excuse - well that's as maybe but it's a damn good cause! I'm on HRT now because of feeling so rough.

ENormaSnob · 01/06/2012 15:17

YANBU

TeaTeaLotsOfJubileeTea · 01/06/2012 15:20
Hmm

Has she never behaved like this before DS came along?

I don't like the hormone thing as an excuse at all!! Especially in front of a 3yo.

I'm quite sure your mother should know that a 3yo having a tantrum needs patience not a screaming fit (not much different to a 3yo having a tantrum ehHmm)

I wouldn't be contacting until my mother was willing to apologise.

Original poster
Nightwish · 01/06/2012 15:21

I think the problem is that it isn't far off normal behaviour.

For as long as I can remember if she was tired from work you almost had to tiptoe around because the tiniest thing would set her off.
Not necessarily shouting in peoples faces but she would easily fly off the handle.

OP posts:
IAmBooybilee · 01/06/2012 15:22

if you think your mum wont talk about it to you that's fine. it doesn't mean you have to accept being treated like that.

i would call her later and ask if she is ok. give her the chance to explain or maybe not to explain if she doesn't feel she needs to.

if she doesn't give any explanation or tries to say that nothings wrong then tell her you feel she has o right to speak to you how she did and that unless she will be able to speak to you properly in future you wont be visiting her with your ds.

i had to do this last year with my dad and it worked. i still dont know why he lost his temper with me but i told him that i would not be going back to his house without a promise it wouldn't happen again.

WaitingForMe · 01/06/2012 15:24

If if was my mother she wouldn't see me or her grandson until I'd had a full and heartfelt apology.

RabidAnchovy · 01/06/2012 15:30

Stay away from her, keep your child away from her, simple.
Hope your scan went ok

MissFaversham · 01/06/2012 15:31

WaitingForMe has just said exactly what I was going to say. Sounds like she needs to be challenged about her behaviour.

Original poster
Nightwish · 01/06/2012 19:55

Thank you for all the advice.

I will wait for her to apologise but I will not be going up to see them in the mean time.
I want her to understand that it isn't right and do not want my son thinking it is an acceptable to talk to someone.

OP posts:
CrumpettyTree · 01/06/2012 20:18

Your mother's behaviour was totally unacceptable, but coming at it from a slightly different angle, do you think that it was upsetting her that your son was distressed about being on the toilet and being made to stay on it until he had done a wee? My daughter used to have a fear of doing a poo on a potty or loo which we didn't really resolve until she was about 3.5 and i had to gradually build up to going on the loo. I think it would have backfired and made things worse if I had made her stay on the loo while she was upset. Having said that, your mum's behaviour was awful and it doesn't excuse it.

DamnBamboo · 01/06/2012 20:24

Call her on it.
Tell her she is unreasonable, it is never acceptable to shout in anybody's face the way she did, especially not in front of a young child and that you are waiting for an apology before she sees your and your son again.

And stick to your guns.

If she's never been challenged on it, she'll never have to have given it a second though, much less apologise

ComposHat · 01/06/2012 20:27

Is she menopausal? My mum turned into the devil's handmaiden for about 5 solid years - completely and utterly mad as a box of frogs. It made her aggressive, intolerant, just plain furious a lot of the time

It was my first thought too. My mum was exactly the same. She had an earlish menopause and I was still living in her house at the time. It was like living in a warzone.

Original poster
Nightwish · 02/06/2012 12:16

Update:

She phoned a minute ago, to say she had been thinking about i overnight and that she was sorry for shouting and scaring DS.

But then I said something along the lines of it being unacceptable and she started justifying herself. Which to me shows she actually still thinks she is in the right.
I should apparently have listened to her, as I never listen to her or do what she tells me. I think she feels I am still a child, to be fair I am young, 21, and had DS at 18, but I am not immature, I am studying for a uni qualification and manage my life and everything to do with it myself.

I told her I think she has mental health problems and she even agreed, all to do with the brain damage, but she said there is no point in going into it, what is she going to do, sit around all day. I think it stems from her family hating any kind of weakness, she can't show that she is weak or it makes her a failure or something.
Also she most likely won't consider the menopause or even go to the doctors to talk to them, again being weak as the cause of that.

In the end I said I did not want to talk to her about it now because it just ended up at neither of us getting anywhere and just arguing.

The problem is she has quite plainly said any problems she has she will ignore and get on with life, so although she shouldn't of shouted as she did I don't see anything there that will stop it happening again.

OP posts:
roughtyping · 02/06/2012 12:20

My mum is the same. She is currently menopausal but that doesn't explain why she's been like this my whole life Hmm

I have had to be v v firm with my mum and boundaries otherwise she would take over with DS. She hates the way I do everything.

Sorry absolutely no use, loads of sympathy though

roughtyping · 02/06/2012 12:25

Have just seen your last post. We are v similar / I had DS at 17. Lived at home til he was 2 and couldn't take it anymore, had loads of emotional blackmail when I moved out including she wouldn't see DS anymore Hmm. Things do get better - my boy is 8 now and she is less likely to go off on one at me because I am firm and sadly because I just remove myself from the situation. She's flown off the handle at me in front of DS before and he's defended me which breaks my heart. Really just need to keep myself out of these situations. Good luck