Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to force my four-year-old DS to say 'hello' to people?

27 replies

BrightonMama · 31/05/2012 21:50

Background: he's just turned four and has had speech and language problems, although he's really improved lately. He barely talked at all (except at home) until about five months ago. He can now talk quite fluently but does still have some mixed up speech sounds which can sometimes make him hard to understand.

He's quite shy and will talk once he's warmed up, but will never say hello when people say it to him. He just sort of buries his face in my leg, or stares blankly in a way that looks quite rude, although it is just shyness.

I've never pushed it until now (he couldn't even say the word properly until five months ago).

But now he CAN say it, it's starting to feel like really bad manners that he's not saying it more. It is quite embarrassing when my lovely neighbour says hello for the umpteenth time and gets the rude stare in return. I'd be happy with just a smile and wave.

So, given his previous speech problems, should I be trying to coax him to say hello for the sake of politeness? And should I be bribing him? Or punishing him?

Socially he's fine in every way, says please, thank you and goodbye appropriately. It's just the greeting.

OP posts:

HereIGo · 31/05/2012 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rubyslippers · 31/05/2012 21:52

Personally don't force it

If I see a young child and say hi, I assume if they don't reply they are shy etc

Maybe he needs time to warm up - as you say he's fine with the other stuff

usualsuspect · 31/05/2012 21:54

Leave him alone.

He will get there in his own time.

CruCru · 31/05/2012 21:55

I think it is reasonable to coax him to say hello. Please don't bribe or punish though.

If you just say "Now say hello to X, DS" it sends people the message that you are keen for him to appear social.

Even saying hello to someone can help a child get over their shyness to some extent. Partly because the habit of greeting someone breaks the ice.

McHappyPants2012 · 31/05/2012 21:55

coming from someone who has had speach problems all my life, i would say don't force it.

TheProvincialLady · 31/05/2012 21:56

I strongly advise you to let him be on this one. I strongly encourage my boys to say hello/good morning etc but with your little boy's history, it would be best to let him try when he is older and more confident.

claraschu · 31/05/2012 21:56

I would let him take his time.
Make sure you never say in his hearing that he is shy, and if other people say that he's shy just answer: "O sometimes he takes his time," or something similar.
I have found that calling a child shy puts them in a category, and becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy (not a prophecy, but you know what I mean).

BelieveInPink · 31/05/2012 21:57

I have a similar issue but with other manners. For instance my 5 year old will whisper or have to be reminded to say thank you if someone she doesn't know well gives her a drink, for example. She is a shy child and I do accommodate it but I do think there's no excuse for no manners. If I prompt her she'll say it but hopefully in time she'll do it automatically.

I don't tell her off or anything, just say "say hello" or "say thank you" in a cheery voice.

Marshy · 31/05/2012 21:58

How exactly would you force him? 'Lovely neighbour' should be sensitive enough to give it a rest with the hellos until he is ready to chat.

spammertime · 31/05/2012 21:58

My DS was like that and I hated it - just the same, he'd hide behind my trousers and it used to drive me potty! Anyway, he started school in September (he's not 5 until July, though) - and now he's so much more confident and says hello cheerily to people (well 99% of the time, anyway).

So I agree he will get there in his own time

finkykuckery · 31/05/2012 22:01

My 4 year old is similar. My advice is do not put him under any pressure as this can be counter productive. The most I have ever done to encourage my dd to respond more to adults was to say to her how nice and friendly it is to say hello to someone when they say hello to you. But that was a quick chat when alone.

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 31/05/2012 22:02

My DS was an early talker and at 4 he would do exactly the same as your DS. Now he is 5 he is a bit better because he will smile but still won't say hello.

It is just because he is shy - don't worry. Sounds like he is doing really well with everything else.

Original poster

BrightonMama · 31/05/2012 22:08

Thanks so much for all the replies, so so helpful. Going to take the overwhelming consensus and not force the issue which fits in with my own instincts. Just wanted to check IWBU or setting up DS for a life of social exclusion due to poor manners!

OP posts:

sheeplikessleep · 31/05/2012 22:09

OP - I could have written your post, but my DS1 is a little older at 4 and a half.
Likewise, his speech has improved massively over the last year.

I'm sure his SALT would say the thing she always says - no language pressure.

What we've done is not in public, but in private, I do little 'role plays' with his cars (daft I know). So I'll hold the cars (and pick a time when he is responsive, happy and in his territory with just me, him and his younger brother) and pretend they are saying hello to each other. A bit of gentle role play really. I try to show him what to say in certain situations and I'll say "Lightning likes it when Mater says hello to him". I try to make it into a game, but show him what to say indirectly.

I'm facing a similar challenge to show him what to do if another child pushes him (he had an incident at nursery recently, that the workers there told me about and are trying to encourage him to communicate his needs a bit more). So I'm saying to him "if anybody pushes you or does anything to you you don't want to happen, just say no thank you loudly and if they keep doing it, tell an adult".

Sometimes I think when they are speech delayed a bit, they don't get as many opportunities to learn the etiquette of things as quickly.

Please don't bribe or punish him. It has to be softly, softly. They all get there, some are more sensitive than others. Any adult would understand that he isn't being rude.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 31/05/2012 22:13

My DD was like that....until she hit about 6, I used to gently encourage "Say hello to so and so..." but that was it....I never pushed...now though I still have to remind her at times as she is VERY shy and needs it imo. People will judge when they get older.

I'm not sure teaching him to say "No thank you" is effective as there will be many incidents when that's an odd response....another child pushing him should garner a firm "No pushing!" if he can manage it....

Original poster

BrightonMama · 31/05/2012 22:16

'Sometimes I think when they are speech delayed a bit, they don't get as many opportunities to learn the etiquette of things as quickly.'
Totally agree Sheep. A lot of the social things that most kids learned about a year ago, I feel we're only having to deal with now. He's caught up loads in the five months he has been able to talk, but still has a way to go.

Role play idea sounds interesting, will give it a go as he responds well to that kind of thing.

OP posts:

D0G · 31/05/2012 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perceptionreality · 31/05/2012 22:18

You are seriously considering punishing him for not saying hello??

YABVU - poor child. Just leave it. You can encourage him but definitely don't force.

sheeplikessleep · 31/05/2012 22:22

Maybe no thank you isn't the most effective way. But I knew it was something he could say, was a simple blanket 'rule' and he likes his manners ;) (to be honest, I think he started adding on the 'thank you' bit anyway, if I remember properly.

Being a bit delayed with speech, I've found keeping things simple and repetitive has really brought his communication on. There's time for changing things to the situation (which should be about now really as he is saying loads and more than capable now).

ZZZenAgain · 31/05/2012 22:25

hmm I don't know. I know a French woman who does this with her 4 year old but he has no language delay that I am aware of and he doesn't strike me as all that shy. She says "dit bonjour" so he says "bonjour" and then she says "bonjour madame" until he says "bonjour madame".

I am not really very comfortable with it because I feel like I am being made into a burden for the dc in some way, but I would describe her manner as gently persistant. He does do it. She says she feels it is important to get it right (manners) from the start.

sheeplikessleep · 31/05/2012 22:26

Brighton - as I say DS1 is 4 1/2 now. He is come on so much in last 6 months. I never thought DSs speech would be where it is now, so I'm sure your DS will get to be saying hello and yabbering away before we see the end of the summer!

Original poster

BrightonMama · 31/05/2012 22:27

Sorry, reading it back 'punish' does sound a bit mean. Although in my head I was thinking something sticker chart related, rather than anything too harsh.

OP posts:

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 31/05/2012 22:30

when ds says hello I always say 'good boy' or such like and then when we have left the situation i give him a 'debrief' and tell him how proud i was of his good manners.

sheeplikessleep · 31/05/2012 22:33

ditto too what everybodys said.

Selks · 31/05/2012 22:35

I'd just say to him "Can you say hello?" in a light way as a prompt, but if he doesn't, move swiftly on and don't comment on that at all. But if he does say hello give him immediate praise e.g "Well done, you did great there! It's so cool when you can say hello!"
So a light prompt, ignore if he doesn't, but notice and praise if he does. That way, no pressure but positive reinforcement of the desired behaviour (and teaches him social norms).

Flip

1 2