To worry I won't love DS2 as much as DS1

[MrsHelsBels74]

I absolutely adore my son, he is my main focus in life & my number 1 priority (that's not to say I don't enjoy time apart occasionally). Number 2 is due in September & I worry that I can't possibly love anyone else as much as I love my son.

My mum assures me that 'you just do' but I continue to worry, I really don't want to have favourites.

worry has a point, and yes, Nagoo, I did, for a time fall a bit out of love with my toddler . He had a hard time when DS2 was born - really upset and angry. I had to constantly remind myself he was little more than a baby himself.

As worry says, if you are finding it hard at first, do talk to someone (we'll listen)

Have been told by friends that your heart doesn't fill up but gets bigger to allow twice as much love.

I suppose I am a worrier, but when I was younger I always felt second best to my older brother (as far as my mum was concerned anyway) & I don't want either of my boys to feel like that. Conversely, my husband is the younger son but most definitely the 'golden boy' of the family whilst his brother is pretty much ignored.

I also had PND & am absolutely terrified it will happen again, am worrying about how I will cope with 2, when sometimes I have trouble coping with 1 (my son is 27 months old).

Thanks for all your reassurances...I know I will cope because you have to don't you? I worried about coping with number 1 & we muddle along ok for the most part.

I haven't really spoken to many people about this worry as I guess I don't really want to voice my fears...it's easier to do it on an anonymous forum

I was terrified by this thought too, but as others have said - you just do, although don't be surprised or upset if it isn't absolutely immediate. When I had DD2, and again when I had DS, initially although I thought they were sweet and I went through the motions I felt a little detatched towards them, it all seemed a little bizarre as if they weren't exactly my child. Then suddenly a couple of weeks in without me even realising, it the love crept up on me and that was that. You really do love them all equally (and when they are a little bit older they all drive you mad equally and in their own special ways!).

I worried about this when I was pregnant with DS2 too. I didn't want him to come along and take anything away from DS1, who is the apple of my eye and the love of my life, and I didn't want DS1 to have to 'share' the love, IYSWIM? It's OK though because DS2 is the apple of my other eye and I have discovered I am able to have two loves of my life

Similarly to some PPs, though, I didn't find it easy immediately. I was in hospital with DS2 for five days, after a difficult and long labour, and I only saw DS1 for a couple of hours a day, and (although I feel a little ashamed to admit it now) I did resent DS2 a bit because he'd 'taken me away' from my little boy. Once we got home and started settling into life as a family of four things started to come together a bit more. It took a few weeks but I love them both dearly now

I worried about the same thing but it was just amazing, I do love them both hugely!

I found it didnt kick in until dd1 was 16 and dd2 was 14. You've got years til its a problem

Thank you so much for this thread. I'm in an identical position to the OP and have worried about it so much. The replies on here have been really reassuring.

I'm glad you started it OP. Good luck with your pregnancy.

You don't run out love, more just appears when it needs to.

I have three DS and I love them all with all my heart, and all equally!

I like whichever one isn't whining at me the best.

It a common fear, and an unfounded one... my eldest loved each of his younger siblings sooo much from the moment he saw them, which made me love them both even more. Here was a poem I was told when expecting my second child:

^Loving Two

I walk along holding your little hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you've never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me." And I hear myself telling you in mine, "I can't," knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him--as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times---only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how she adores you--as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you--only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you---you each have your own supply.

I love you---both. And I thank you both for blessing my life ^

Following on from Jenny's poem, one of the big revelations of having a second child was the realisation that it isn't just my love (and dh's) that matters. For dd and ds, an equally important part is their love for each other. There will always be times when I can't quite fill their needs- because I am too tired or stressed or just too old to remember what it was like- but they still have each other. Ds who is 12 is going through a phase of flexing his muscles and semi-rejecting us on his way to independence; I find it greatly reassuring that he has his big sister who is young enough to understand him but still a steadying influence. Dd has been ill for many years and missed out on many normal childhood experiences; for her, ds' company and his everyday needs and preoccuptations represent a touch of normality that she would otherwise miss out on.

You will. Oddly it took slightly more time with DS2, but I think that is because when I had DS1 I was totally overwhelmed about how much I loved him. The same didn't happen with DS2 because I knew what to expect IYSWIM.

And you know what they say? The only thing better than having one boy is having two boys. So,so true

Jenny70 that poem is so sweet. My two DS's are just starting to play together, DS2 is 2.4, and DS1 has said tonight that he really likes having a brother. That makes me very happy

We are planning a second and I worry about this too but my dad says each child brings the love with them.

I felt exactly this way when pregnant with ds2 and ds3. Yanbu to worry but I promise you will. I can't imagine life without my 3 beautiful boys.

If it was true that there was only 'so much' love and you used it up with the first it would be sad for those with large families! Those with 6 children still have enough to love the 6th as much as the rest!

I only have one at the moment but my MIL told me that 'babies bring their own love into the world with them' which i think is a lovely way of looking at it.

I worried about this too but you don't have to share the love you have, you just find you have more to give.

kitty's dad is right, each child does bring the love with them.

Thanks everyone. Am currently sitting here bawling at Jenny's poem. I guess deep down I know it will be ok, but even now sometimes I get overwhelmed by how beautiful my son is & it just doesn't seem possible that anyone could ever compare

Just to add, don't put too much pressure on yourself.

When my son was born I had already spent 2 years loving and adoring his big sister. Yes, I loved him, and liked him - he was a sweet little chap, but I simply couldn't feel the intensity in our relationship that I had with his big sister. Not straight away. And it didn't worry me. For me it would have felt false to feel the same about someone I'd just met as I did about someone I'd been with 24/7 for the past 2 years! I was not worried because I was happy that he was loved and looked after, and I was also confident that it would come. And it did.

I do love mine differently though, but am crazy about both of them, including the smelly and sometimes aruementative teen. I like the cake analogy, it is like having a chocolate cake and being given a lemon meringue pie too. How can you possibly choose? You need a slice of both, right?