to tell DH to man up and deal with it?

[Alliwantisaroomsomewhere]

He is very stressed out at work. Every now and then things are fine, and then a short while later he phones me to tell me he is resigning or comes home and tells me he has had enough.

We have talked about it and he knows we need his income. I also work but cannot support us both and our child.

He has just called now and said he is resigning. I am feeling crap today and replied without pussy footing around that we need his income and he cannot resign. His reply was that I should leave him then.

Now, at this very moment, that sounds like a fucking good idea, but I know it is because I am premenstrual in the worst way, I have hayfever and things are financially shit for us.

But of course leaving him is not the option.

So: AIBU to tell him he has to deal with his work or job search and move on only when he has found another job? Or should I "allow" him to resign with NO prospect of other work at the moment? Or is he BU in not actually doing something about his situation?

Have you considered just letting him air his grievances to see what he has to say.

Sometimes that's all people need to do.

Love the way that his options seem to come down to what you tell him he can/can't do

Why can't you get another job to support your family and he can look after your child?

Yanbu! If he hates his job that's fair enough but he needs to start applying elsewhere instead of throwing in the towel.

This is what we have to do as adults with dependent children.

Oh dear, I really feel for you. Is he depressed, could he get signed of for a bit instead of rashly handing in his notice now?

Seems a bit childish if he's not in genuine distress, we all have times like this at work but he has responsibilities to think about (as would a mum who's the main breadwinner too)

Sorry that's not much help but no YANBU

Oh dear. I have to admit if my DH gave up work like that my response would be similar to yours. Does your DH realise just how much worse life will be without a job, without that security? Does he realise you don't get JSA straight away if you voluntarily leave your job. What is his plan? Can he get signed off with stress for a short while? Things must be bad for him to have got to this point.

No way would my DH resign without another job to go to! :( for you, don't know what to suggest.

He sounds like he is at the end of this tether... He may just need to sound off when he is particularly stresses - only you can tell of this is his nature or I'd he is really at breaking point.

Try to be gently with him! He won't be doing his health any good by getting so worked up.

I'd sit down with him and work out a plan - tha bank holiday is coming up, so you have a long weekend. Resigning with nothing to go to is not a good idea - especially the way the economy is now. Have you savings? Can he get another job or consider maybe taking time out to retrain? Retraining will take time and money, hence The Plan. At least of he knows he has to hang in there until a training course starts/ you have £xx in the bank, then it may take the strain off.

He sounds like he's in a very bad place- he needs the psychological tools to deal with the stress of work rather than letting it take him over. It's making him lose sight of the long-term and all he can think about is escaping from work and more importantly, the stress and the way it makes him feel. Ask him not to resign today and to come home tonight and talk about it- he can see his doctor, ask to be signed off, he could see a counselor to help with stress, talk to his employer. There are many options. He needs to see this.

Could you support the family if he took over the childcare? It sounds like he is in an awful position. Can you sit him down and work out a strategy to help him change jobs asasp?

Dambamboo, thanks for your input.

I actually think that he is depressed. He was so down a few weeks ago. He has a week off starting tomorrow and so once this goddawful week passes, we will have a chance to talk.

I feel so awful for him, but I sometimes get pissed off that he cannot take charge of his situation. When he recently was so depressed, and once he came out of it, he decided to update his CV and apply for other posts. He got as far as updating his CV and then did nothing more. That is the kind of thing that he does that makes me think he is depressed. Going to be late, getting up early, long drive to work, tired all the time, very expensive travelling, very little money left over to enjoy stuff, enormous stress at work, guilt that he is hating his work and wanting to leave but deep down knowing that he cannot. All a bit of a fuck up.

Thanks for the positive responses. I will ring him in a bit and see how he is.

You need to be there for him as well as helping him plan a way out of this.

Telling him to 'man up' is simply not on. How would you feel if couldn't rely on the support of your spouse when you really needed it?

No, I cannot support the family on my own. I am self employed and my taxable income is in the region of 11k.

Oogaballoo talks sense.

My DH had a terrible time in his last job and that along with some family problems with the ILs tipped him over the edge so he couldn't work at all and ended up Depression.

You need to talk to your husband and see why he is unhappy. Yes it's rash to talk about resigning but it sounds like a cry for help.

Try and understand why he is unhappy and make him feel supported. THEN suggest an action plan for job searching and tell him he can leave as soon as he finds something else. Also get him to talk to HR if he is struggling. No job should be so bad that it makes you unhappy all the time.This will help him feel the end is in sight.

Don't underestimate how unhappy he is or it can really escalate.

Youoldslag, you make a lot of sense. Thanks.

You need to be his sounding board...he isnt really gonna leave but he just needs a good moan about it.

We are at work for so long every day, its a massive chunk out of our lives....imagine if you were miserable for at least 8 hours every day, it's blood horrible.

bloody horrible!

Sometimes money isn't everything, if he is depressed he needs your support (although sometimes it does need a MTFU word)

As others have said, ask him not to do anything rash today and come home to talk about it. It might just need you both looking at finances and working out what it is you actually need coming in to survive and this might give him other opportunites or jobs he can apply for. Maybe part time work for him in a less stressful situation until he can talk through his stress and depression. Then he could look for a better paid full time role?

My first hubby used to keep leaving jobs randomly and with no other job to go to. That was in a different economic climate and with no kids, but still I found myself working all hours to support the pair of us.No sooner had we got ourselves on an even footing than he was walking out of yet another job. I found that so very stressful. I told him he had to first find another job then leave!! He ignored me. He ohoned me at work one day ( in itself a no no) and told me he could not take any more of his (rather cushy) job and I told him if he left I would leave him. He did and I did
That said, you have different considerations. You have kids together, a reason to be firmer but also more of a reason to stay together.
Tell him to take some time off as sick leave, to consider his options. He may be able to see more clearly what his priorities are. So might you. He is obviously one of them and a depressed husband/father is no fun.
Tell him you are fine with leaving but he must have another job first! Be understanding! Good luck!

This happened to my former partner. He was about to resign (or do something awful and end up being sacked) so I told him to come home and straight to the GP. He was signed off straight away and had a chance to get better. It also forced the company to look at why he was so stressed amd to make 'reasonable adjustments' to help him back into work.

I've been signed off work for stress as well - I was off for a week's leave and when it came to going back to work I fell apart. Felt like my whole day was spent trying not to cry. Was off for several weeks in the end. A few weeks of not worrying about work (and the world DIDN'T end), getting stuff done around the house and enjoying being with the children and friends made all the difference. And when I came back to work I got a new assistant because - guess what? - my workload issues and ludicrous targets were finally looked at.

Try to be supportive, but this is stressful for you as well so don't be too hard on yourself.

I have just spoken (calmly and supportively) to him and he has agreed that I should make an appointment at the doc for him - easier for me to do at my work than he at his. He may or may not go, but at least we are talking about his stresses.

He HATES his work.

Yanbu. He can resign when he's found another job. For so many people, liking or disliking a job isn't even an issue, it's what they do to survive and feed their families.

If you think he's genuinely depressed, then he should seek medical help.

DH and I went through something similar. He was so miserable he was talking about suicide rather than face another day there. I took a short-term contract of bloody hard work in something I didn't like so that we could afford for him to quit. He went to see a psychotherapist, and did some freelance work while he looked for something else. We had two years of things being really tough. I gave up eating lunch, couldn't switch heating on, cashed in my pension and savings, sold lots of stuff, worked like a dog at a place I wasn't happy, and we haven't been able to afford to buy our own flat...

But I wouldn't have done it any other way, and DH knows for sure that I will always have his back and that there's nothing I wouldn't give for his happiness (or for DSs happiness). I'd do anything for either of them. DH never forgets it, even though we don't talk about it much as it was quite painful at the time.

What we did wouldn't be right for everyone, so much depends on circumstances. In my DH's case he was willing to work at therapy and put in as much effort to change his life and recover from how he was feeling as I was putting into supporting us. If that wasn't the case things would have been very different.

Make him keep the doctors appointment.

Make him see HR at work

You have to change your life styles and jobs as life is too short to be this unhappy.

In sickness and in health... He needs you.

i think there is a difference between not liking your job and beeing depressed because of it. he seems to be the latter and i agree with others that he should see medical help and get some time off. i am pretty sure that he is past the point where he can easily see the whole picture and just kind of sinks under the pressure, if that makes sense. just seeing a doctor who signs you off for a while to give you some time to rest, puts you on medication and sends you off to see a specialist is a help in itself.
good luck. i know he may sound annoying to you but i think he's lost the control and needs medical help. the phonecalls are a cry for help.

If it's any help OP, as soon as my DH saw a GP, he was signed off immediately. Sometimes things are worse than you realise until a professional shines a light on it and shows you.

Best of luck and lots of sympathy. x

PS If he does have Depression, he will be on full pay, at least initially, which will buy you some breathing space.