to ask anyone with experience of teenage boys with autism for help

[alphablock]

My DD (7) has an male cousin (13) who is autistic. They have only met a few times, but get on brilliantly and she looks forward to seeing him. At a recent family event they were playing happily in the garden surrounded by other people all day, but at one point they went inside and another relative found them lying togther on a bed. They were both told off for going into a bedroom and DD came to find me as she was upset.

She apologised to relative for going into the bedroom and eventually carried on playing, but I was concerned as I felt that the relative had over-reacted as I was sure they had not done any harm.

DD didn't want to talk about it as she said she was confused and embarrassed, but I have now established that the boy persuaded her that it was OK to go into the bedroom even though she knows that you shouldn't explore someone else's house without permission. She said she thought he wanted to play "horsey rides" but instead he lay on top of her and said "this is what adults do, but don't tell anyone as it's private".

I asked if he hurt her at all and she said that of course he didn't and she said she would have told me straight away if he had, but when I quizzed her further she said she didn't want to talk about it as it upset her.

I really don't think anything bad actually happened and she is totally fine now, but I am not sure what to do. I discussed with my MIL (cousin is on her side of the family) and she thinks we shouldn't say anything as it could cause a family rift. She thinks we should just supervise v closely from now on.

AIBU to want to discuss with the mother or should I keep quiet? If it was your son would you want to know? He is a really lovely boy and I know DD loves playing with him and I don't want to cause trouble, but if I was his mum I would want to know what he said/did.

I am not sure how its relevant that he is autistic?

Is it not more that a 13 yr old boy lay on top of a 7 year old girl?

Are you wondering if he didn't realise it was inappropriate, or are you thinking he did and just didn't care?

I would be a bit if a 13 year old boy said to my 7 yr old girl: 'this is what adults do but don't tell anyone as its private'
I'm not sure the autism bit would come into it though?

Glad you dd is fine. Agree you should supervise v carefully in future around this lad. Whether you say anything is another thing though. If you do, I wouldn't focus on the autism, especially.

If I was his mum I would appreciate a phone call explaining what you DD said. She needs to make sure he understands how dangerous this behaviour can be.

You can let her know that you aren't blaming him for anything and that you're letting her know so she can help him to protect himself.

If you don't he could end up on the sex offenders register.

TBH a mum of a child with Autism is probably well used to having this sort of awkward conversation so I wouldn't worry too much about it.

I agree, that the autism may not be relevant, but I suspect that he doesn't realise that it is inappropriate to behave in this way.

Thanks Timandra, it's good to hear from someone with experience of autism.

I agree with Timandra. If he has autism he probably struggles with knowing what type of behaviour is appropriate in certain situations. If his mum is aware then she can help him to learn.

I have a teenage son with autism. I'm not sure to what degree his autism will have influenced this behaviour but in any case I would want to be told. I would be very upset that it had happened, that your dd had been hurt by the experience and that my son had behaved in this way but I would want to know so that I could attempt to address it so that there wouldn't be a repeat of the behaviour if at all possible. The boy's mum may well be embarassed and upset but ultimately she will want the best for both children involved. Also your dd needs to know that you are following it up not sweeping the issue under the carpet.

I have a DS with autism who is now in his twenties. When he was in his teens, he used to play with a much younger girl next door. It was entirely innocent as DS is, in his head, much younger than in chronological years, IYSWIM. I did have a conversation with her parents, though, to make sure they were happy with the age difference and they were.

If my DS had done anything inappropriate, I would have wanted them to tell me straight away so that we could address this with him. He doesn't always understand how to relate to other people and prefers a large age difference, in either direction, as he finds his own age group the most difficult to get on with.

I would try to gently broach this with the mother.

Sorry the "sweeping it under the carpet" was too harsh - that's a little bit more in reaction to what your mil is recommending, even though for understandable reasons.- I'm sure that you want to do what's right for your dd but without making the fuss about it afterwards worse than the initial incident.

As the mother of a teen with ASD yes I would want to know. It may be that his ASD means that he does not know it was inappropriate, in which case he needs to be told.

Oh and you may wish to post this in the SN section rather than AIBU, you would probably get a greater response from those with ASD experience.

My ds (not fully autistic, but has learning difficulties, on the autistic spectrum and although physically his age, not mentally). This is something I would want to know so I could address his behaviour - if I didn't know, then I couldn't try to help him learn that this wasn't appropriate

I work with teenage boys with SEN, many of them with ASD. For the sake of the boy concerned, let alone that of any other chidren he comes into contact with, you must talk to his mum: she has 13 years experience of dealing with his needs & challenges, and will find it easier than you (than not objectively easy).

ASD children have very set patterns of behaviour, but not fixed ones. These patterns can change over time for a number of reasons, but some of the most potent changes come about through puberty. This can lead positively to increased socialisation; but it can also lead negatively to inappropriate sexual behaviour.

ASD children generally cannot learn social skills, but they can often be trained in them, by themselves or others: this requires the trainers to have knowledge of what they are dealing with. If this sounds weird or inhumane, I suggest you read a Saturday Times review article from about 3 weeks ago, inspired by Saga Noren from The Bridge, in which 4 ASD women talk about training themselves to give social responses which they do not understand but which they know are expected of them.

This boy clearly had sexual urges towards your DD, and doubtless towards other girls as well. He is unlikely, because of his ASD, to understand the concepts of rights & responsibilities, risks & consequences, especially in an area where even non-ASD adults often get it wrong. He therefore needs to be trained in the correct ways to treat girls & women, even if he does not understand them.

This requires those who care for him to understand exactly what is going on, which is why you must tell them. Having spent the last 13 years training him to deal with an ever more difficult & complex world, imagine how they would feel if something truly devastating happened (such as a charge of rape) because you were too embarassed to share your DD's experience.

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your advice. I will definitely talk to the mum now. This was my gut instinct, but my MIL's reaction made me question if this was the right thing to do. I hadn't really thought too much about the long term consequences of keeping quiet, but you've all helped me realise how guilty I would feel if I didn't say anything and something more serious happened in the future with another child.

It is of course possible that he had sexual urges towards your DS without understanding everything else and acted on them, it's also possible that his sexual development is delayed along with his other social and emotional development and it was nothing more worrying than when a much younger child acts things like that out except of course he has an older child's body...

Or many other scenarios depending on how he functions, it still needs addressing though.

Tell his mother, explain that you're sure nothing more worrying happened but say what your DD has said, so that she can talk to him. If you approach it as you would if a much younger child had done it it's unlikely to cause a big problem between you and his mother. She can then work out if it is more than that, but at least she'll be aware of it.

Actually an AS Mum I'd want to know asap!

AS causes developmental delays in emotional maturity so precisely when to introduce this type of social skills training can be a tough one to call. It's now obviously time for the boy to be explicitly taught "the rules" for everyone's saftey BEFORE something really bad happens. The mother may need to access specialist help to do this, and can't fight for it, if she doesn't realise it's needed yet.

The Mum will probably handle the convo better than you will, cringe making convos about your child's behavior comes as part of the package from toddlerhood when you have a child on the spectrum unfortunately.

Talking to the Mum directly and quietly (so choose a time without a crowd listening in and adding comments from the gallery!) is protecting her son as well as any other youngsters like your daughter he'll come across on his travels.

The autism is relevant, the boy may not have the same sense of social norms as others so, in this case, what he did may not have been wrong to him.

However, it is something that needs to be prevented in the future so I would absolutely have a word with the Mum. I have a 10 yr old autistic DS and have worked with many teens with ASD too and I know all of the parents I've met would be fine with having the conversation. Unfortunately, difficult discussions are part of life for us. Choose a quiet moment, somewhere discreet and it will be fine.

Well done for being sensitive and not flying off the handle, OP.

The autism is relevant as he won't have the social abilities or empathy to understand that what he's done is inappropriate. I have an ASD teen (15) who fortunately has shown no sign of being interested in sex yet - but at his school they have it hammered into them what is appropriate/inappropriate touching and I would want to know if something like this happened. He needs clear instructions about what is OK and what isn't and if his mum doesn't know, then she can't help him to learn. Better to get him help asap.

He could also be just repeating what someone has told him about sex rather than 'having sexual urges towards her'like someone said earlier

Not that i am saying you shouldn't tell, just that I wouldn't leap to the conclusion he is sexually attracted to young children.

My children are 11 and just turned 13 - although I keep forgetting this and saying he's still 12

I am struggling with inappropriate behaviour (sexual) at the moment. It is a combination of the normal feelings that begin to emerge at this age and a lack of understanding of what is and is not socially acceptable.

I would want you to tell me.

I would be alarmed by "don't tell anyone, it's private" and would want to tackle that head on. I am teaching my children that sex is private and your body is private and I would need to know if they had so badly misunderstood that. I am stressing the importance of never touching another person intimately unless that is what they want and that nobody has the right to touch you either, and that sex is normal but it is something for adults, not children, etc etc

It's a really difficult thing to get right at the best of times, throw autism into it and it's a head exploder!

But you have got to tell the parents. They need to know. I would hit the roof if someone kept that from me because it would deny me the opportunity to address it.

My 17 year old son is Autistic. He is aware now that this would not be appropriate behaviour but may not have been at 13. I would have wanted to know as the only way to sort it out is to discuss it.

My 11yo is autistic and I'd want to know. How else would I be able to clearly explain that it wasn't appropriate otherwise? But I'd appreciate being told sensitively without any judgement being put on me and my child, and I'd also want to know so that the girl involved could be told that my son had been talked to about it so that she isn't worried it will happen again. Or if she is worried that it will happen again she can tell an adult without being upset over it.