AIBU to wish people were more

[Helltotheno]

'eat to live' than 'live to eat', my DH esp, but society in general too?

AIBU to be really hacked off trying to arrange restaurant-standard meals every night just for him really when a lot of time I could just throw out a bit of pasta, tuna and raw veg for me and the kids which in their view, is as good as it gets ?

AIBU to wish he'd just get a dinner at lunchtime sometimes (but no, cos he'd still want a full dinner at home )

AIBU to like, for that reason and that alone, when he's away cos I don't have to think about that shizzle, and to sometimes think this is becoming a major incompatibility between us if I want him to be away more often because of it?

AIBU to need to get a grip? Can anyone sympathise?

If its your dh that wants these meals can he do a couple of hours batch cooking each weekend? Then you'll have stuff you can pull straight out the freezer a couple of days a week. Make more complicated stuff 2 days a week and have one easy meal one day.

Thanks for all the great ideas and suggestions. I suppose it partly boils down to planning. Having to plan food goes against the grain with me cos I'm fundamentally quite uninterested in having to think about it. When I was single and working full time, I'd lash a few store cupboard ingredients together when I got home from work.

When I say sauce, to give an example, I'd be quite happy with a salmon fillet, some broccoli and a small potato. He'd be whingeing about it being bland, no sauce etc. So in that sense, one pot dinners are easier cos they have the sauce built in.

Another thing I find is happening is that I'm gravitating away from meat and want to be doing more vegetarian but have found that when I put effort into a meal like that, it gets the yuck response, which really hacks me off and I feel like thumping everyone upside the head and telling them to get on with it themselves then .

Yes have actually reviewed the suggestion of making batch 'proper' meals just for him and freezing so that we can just do our own thing. Everyone's hours are a bit erratic too so we mightn't be sitting together every night...

I think you sound like you might have some food issues. There is a very long way from tuna, pasta and raw veg on a plate to restaurant standard. Then it seems all he wants is a sauce. That is not really restaurant standard. In our house, we roast a chicken one night, have leftovers the next night (maybe quesadillas, maybe stir fry, maybe Thai curry) then boil the bones for soup the third night. Cheap and easy.

I think you sound like you might have some food issues

You think? Of what type? I'm definitely not anorexic or bulimic and never have been. I'm only interested in food as fuel and would put the work into ensuring my body gets what it needs. Obviously I enjoy things that taste nice but to me plain stuff does taste nice.

Sauce to me is an extra and unnecessary PITA and I do feel that if he wants sauce, maybe he should batch make an all-purpose one and freeze it?

I would never boil chicken bones and skin and veins on chicken grosses me out, though we do eat a lot of chicken fillets. Thanks for the suggestion anyway.

You like incredibly bland food. Just a protein, carb and veg. Every meal. We spend a lot of time eating in our lives and that seems very boring. It would be like someone saying that they only want to wear a grey sack every day or only want to holiday in Wales (seriously, just joking). When you were a child, did people cook around you? Was food a fun family activity? Were you included in gardening, cooking, serving?

You may just have very sensitive tasting mechanisms. Try this. I couldn't live on what you eat. Bear in mind how easy it is to add 'sauce'. Cook the salmon, potatoes and broccoli then just deglaze the salmon pan with white wine, job done.

Have you talked to him about this OP? Seems like there's a lot of resentment building up for you, sometimes it's better to talk and see if you can come to some compromise or agreement.

Similarly if people (is it your DH or the kids?) are saying 'yuck' about the dinners you've gone to the trouble of making for them, don't just sit there seething, make it clear that you expect better manners in your house, and that DH should be backing you up in this and setting a better example himself!

I wouldn't have said 'food issues' either. You sound similar to me - I enjoy food and eat enough, but don't always want to do 'proper' cooking and am often happy with just a light meal or snack in the evening. I find meat pretty gross too (the idea of eating skin/veins/muscle/fat) and have been vegetarian since I left home. Nothing wrong with that IMO!

I'm not sure why sauce has to be such a PITA? You can get lovely sauces and condiments in jars and pouches, if he's the only one eating them they'll last quite a while.

You can also use more herbs -- dill with the salmon, paprika or terragon with chicken, etc.

DH is French and we always have on hand bearnaise sauce, a couple mustard/mayos, a bunch of different vinegars, lots of herbs and spices. I actually think it makes cooking easier because you can make the same base dish (eg chicken or fish or steak) and just add different condiments for variety.

I think if I were you, I'd invest a bit of time to come up with maybe 12 dinners that were fairly simple and easy for you and the DC but that could also be 'sauced up' by your DH, and then put together a cupboard of condiments for your DH. Yes it's probably more thought than you'd like to spend on this but it sounds like the alternative is ongoing tension and irritation.

No to be fair, DH would be cross with the kids for saying yuck and he doesn't say it himself, but would say for example, that he feels a veg mean has something missing cos it doesn't contain meat. Sorry but I reckon that's all conditioning and all in the head.

MrsPratchett yes there were issues around food when I was growing up. My mother was very resentful of pretty much everything, not just cooking, and I guess that came across to me. I'm very unlike her personality-wise so I'd be very upbeat, especially around the kids. But you see I find it easy to feed the kids cos they, like me (esp. DS) have v simple tastes. It's more that I think I'd probably be better with someone who either loved to cook and was happy to take it all on or someone who was like myself and didn't really care as long as they were fed.

Ok it isn't a dealbreaker so I guess it's more compromise and more planning....

Veg meal is what I meant...

dreaming tell me about healthy sauces from jars. I don't like high salt, mono or any of that stuff. I like things pure.

So how does one make bearnaise? Could I make and freeze?

I'm quite 'sauce challenged' too.

My solutions are lots of marinated meals (bunged in fridge before I go to work), like in teriyaki or red wine, so the marinade forms the sauce after cooking.

And, with the salmon meal you mentioned earlier, I would make a quick sauce by adding chopped herbs, capers, salt, black pepper and possibly a little mustard to some creme fraiche.

I also like simple uncooked things like salsa made with tomatos and lemon juice.

I once knew a lovely lady who only ever had: ham, cheese, cucumber, tomatoes and fresh bread and butter for her tea every day!

Now I'm not suggesting we all do this, but I was somewhat envious of the simplicity of it.

Lol maybe I'll divorce my DH and marry her

Good ideas on the marinades thx...

My husband got tinned soup and sliced bread for his dinner when he got in yesterday. Today he's getting nothing unless he gets it himself. :o

I don't want to come across like I'm rehashing old ground and I hear what you said about not wanting to devote that much time to it but(!) Meal planning really can be your friend.
In terms offering term reward it is great, J love cooking but have so much to do (MN counts as...something important...shut up) so it is fab. DH tries but heroically fails to cook so it all fell to me. I too was pissed that I had to be an unpaid thinking brain for him. Creating a plan was ideal as an opportunity to get him at the table and say 'this is what the food/list/budget will be, if you don't speak now forever hold your piss' the first was the longest but now I just chuck a meal recipe in and shuffle. Combined with batch cooking only as and when I felt inclined it has made a huge difference. I peel some veg if I have to but that's as far as it goes. I think if you could grit your teeth through the first one you would really appreciate the head space and time you gain. Now you are wasting hours thinking and begrudging every thought. No need.

Also I think you may have a fundamental failure to communicate. You don't seem to share the majority experience of food as a pleasure and eating as a thing greater than the sum of it's parts. You eat to not die and enjoy the taste of some foods. This is ok for you but not the general consensus, I can see why DH probably doesn't quite get it. It also doesn't sound to me like he's actually asking for much tbh. But you approach it from 2 very different ends of the spectrum - in asking him to eat more veggie meals you could use that as an opportunity to compromise with what you are willing to do too. He has to meet you further in than he has in some way because it's not that big of a deal to me or many others but we view it in a different way. I'm not sure he really really understands where you're coming from. It was an alien concept to me before I met SIL for example, as food was very much part of our family bonding & cooking is fun, adventurous & an expression of love for us. But I get it now so she never cooks for us & I serve exactly what she wants, often barely seasoned protein, carb & veg. But depending on your DHs food culture he may be trying to interpret a foreign language. Make him understand and do more of the bits you hate most and try and work out strategy, that he will equally contribute to in his free time to stop this turning into something that eats away at you and builds a bit more each time you set foot in the kitchen. I think ybalu, it is odd to dictate someone's food choices based on your own wants so you both need to do more to address it. Just getting recipes for 'quick' stuff I dont think is reliable long term.

But why do the sauces have to be healthy, if he's the only one really wanting them?

Fish, for example, it sounds like you would be happy with just a spritz of lemon, so leave the bearnaise sauce (which no is not healthy!) to your DH. Just get a jar of it, it will last ages.

Basically cook the same base for everyone then if your DH wants something richer with it, let him go ahead.

One of the things I love about the French dining tables is the insane array of condiments offered, so everyone seasons their food themselves rather than the cook having to make one sauce to please everyone.

That said, mustard-based sauces I think are generally healthier. Google mustard-tarragon-chicken recipes, yummy combination.

Oh ffs, on my phone. Just assume I was aiming for some semblance if adult English please.

Schwartz do really nice sauces in pouches for fish.

I'm scared to say that on mn because I've noticed pre-made things are generally frowned upon here, but hey so what, they are nice (well I think so)

And everyone advocating planning are absolultely spot on imho. If I know what's for dinner over the next few days I do feel less frazzled and pressured about it all. Bit boring but at least it stops you feeling so hassled and planning ahead is more economical too.

I think ybalu, it is odd to dictate someone's food choices based on your own wants so you both need to do more to address it.

Yes I agree. I know I'm the one being more U cos most people aren't like this about food. The plus side of it is I'm so unbothered by it that when out, I am v easy to please in restaurants and have been known to swap dinners with people who got dinners they didn't like (provided of course it wasn't something I couldn't countenance like gamey meat or liver etc).
But yes I know it's hard for two people with polar opposite views on food trying to make it work.

Have to do much more on the planning side too, as much as that's counter-intuitive for me.

I think it is just one of those things. I have to listen to at least 10-15 minutes of nerdy project management bollocks every day because my DH likes to tell me all about work to de-stress. It is HIDEOUSLY boring but I love him so I smile and nod. I even make helpful suggestions although I would rather be cleaning grout. If you think about food for your DH like this it might be easier. However, possibly your childhood issues with your 'D'M get in the way of this.

I'm like you about food OP. I enjoy it, but it's way down the list and I'd be happy with a sandwich for tea. Dh however lives and breathes food. He's very good about it as he knows I hate cooking, but I find it irritating that he finds it so important.

lives and breathes food

See.. that concept is just so alien to me madmomma..
Another aspect I find crazy-making is this whole, what I call 'famine mentality', this worry about what's planned and where the next meal is coming from all the time. Like if we go on a day trip somewhere, it's 'what are we doing for lunch?' before we've even left!! It's not like there aren't plenty of shops open for heaven's sake...

DH is exercising a lot at the mo too, which means almost constant face-stuffing with something :(

Anyway I do realise it's my issue to sort out really. Was just hoping I wasn't the only one....

Totally the 'what's for breakfast/lunch/dinner/nibbles/xmas dinner' Constantly. You are definitely not alone.

I think planning ahead for meals isn't 'famine mentality', it's just being proactive. For example, I would think ahead about lunch on a day trip so that we don't end up in some overpriced cafe with horrible food. I do a bit of meal planning in the week so that we use our food budget wisely and nothing goes to waste. It's not because I'm obsessed with food, it's just trying to be efficient.

I think caring about food is really just trying to maximise the enjoyment we can get from a daily and necessary activity. Maybe it's a bit like work -- I've known people who really don't care what it is they do all day as long as it pays the rent, whereas other people can only abide work if it's something they really enjoy doing.

I think it would help to just keep in mind that neither you nor your DH is wrong per se, you are just different. What you need are some practical steps to find a compromise position.

You speak sense Dreaming. It's the one aspect of being part of a family that I haven't been able to come to terms with properly. I'm pretty ok about other housework and like to be organised so it's a little out of character too.

Hey ho, I'm going to sit down this weekend and try and work out a plan. Thanks for all your great suggestions :)