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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To veto this job for DH?

27 replies

BrittaPerry · 29/05/2012 07:36

DH runs the pub quiz in our local. He is an excellent quizzer, and he spends all week thinking up questions, finding pictures and music etc, then on a money gets home from work at 6pm for bathtime, bedtime stories etc and leaves at 7.30 to do the quiz, then comes home drunk at midnight. They pay him £20 plus drinks.

I don't mind this - I see it as his hobby, he is making friends, his dad goes along so they spend time together, etc. Fair enough.

We have talked about the possibility of him finding another local pub to do the same, but I have said that it has to be paid properly, at over minimum wage, and he needs to not get so drunk - one or two drinks is fine, but not enough to have a hangover etc.

So, last night he came home really excited - the boss of this pub is opening another pub as well, in a nearby town, (so the same questions can be used), and wants DH to do the quiz! He loves DH's quiz, and thinks it really adds something to the pub! Plus he will pay more! Brilliant!

...until I find out the details. It takes up to an hour to get to the town by bus, or he can stay on the metro straight from work, which tbh he might as well do. They are offering to pay him a whole £30 PLUS DRINKS. So that would be another night of DH getting drunk, again that he wouldn't be able to miss if the kids were being hard work, I had to work (rare, but could happen), I had an essay to do, we had something we wanted to do, etc, plus 7 hours plus of him being out of the house, for £30.

The DDs don't sleep very well - 2yo DD2 in particular. Last night she took till 9pm to settle and was up again at 6am (we take turns at doing the very early bit, and always sort it so that Tuesdays are my turn)

We're pretty poor, so I would pretty much have to put up and shut up if he was offered work that paid properly (ie over minimum wage), but this is taking the piss, right?

He just says he doesn't mind being paid poorly, as he enjoys it, and thinks I am preventing him from earning money and BU. If I was to work, it is commission only (I do a direct sales type thing that sometimes includes parties, they are rarely in the evening, but it usually pays me about £35 for two hours party plus travel, then of course there is the possibility of recruiting, booking more parties, getting long term customers etc) but he thinks that makes my work less important than his quiz. It is less important than his normal, just over minimum wage, part time job, but it is even possible to see my work as my hobby - it certainly takes up less evenings than his quiz.

AIBU to point blank refuse to "let him" do this new quiz? Obviously I can't lock him in the house, and he would piss and moan about it, but to me, if he is going to see it as a job, he needs to negotiate at least minimum wage for all the work (including prep time) plus costs for all the printing that he does at home.

Or should I just be happy that another £50 a week in total would be coming into the house?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 29/05/2012 07:42

If he has a drinking problem he needs to address that separately - ie. Not affect his day job or domestic stuff.

But in essence doing a job you love and getting paid is a good thing, £50 a week extra is all your food money.

diddl · 29/05/2012 07:44

Why does he have to get drunk?Confused

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 29/05/2012 07:45

He wouldn't be able to use the same questions btw, people travel in teams for pub quizzes and it would take about four minutes for word to spread.
And you can't really "point blank refuse" him anything without BU, he's a grown up.

MamaChocoholic · 29/05/2012 07:47

I think you could ask him to try and negotiate a raise, and explain to him why you're upset. is it that he's not there to do bedtimes? is it that he will get drunk? what compromises can he make so that him getting paid to have an extra night out which sounds a lot of fun, beings in some money, doesn't come at too big a cost to you?

BrittaPerry · 29/05/2012 07:49

Because they partially "pay" him in drinks.

£50 coming into the house is good, but we aren't so skint that we can't pay bills etc - I have a tight hold on our finances and we afford bills, food and a few small luxuries. The fact that he gets his monday night out for free is good, but £50 (well, the extra £30 from the new quiz in reality) isn't a lifechanging amount.

OP posts:
BrittaPerry · 29/05/2012 07:51

It is him not being there for bedtime and the difficult bit where DD2 doesn't settle, and another night of me being in the house alone, then the morning routine with no support either. Plus the drinking - he drinks too much anyway, but in the house it is normal "drinks over the recommended amount" bloke amounts.

OP posts:
DinahMoHum · 29/05/2012 07:53

i think its up to him. Hes your husband, not your child.

As long as youre entitled to get out when you want too of course

happyAvocado · 29/05/2012 07:55

I think he is using it as an excuse to have laugh and free drinks
unless he addresses his drinking problem it
will get worst as time goes by

BrittaPerry · 29/05/2012 07:56

But it means that I can't do my uni work or my job on another night of the week, that he will have more prep time through the week (he takes it very seriously, and you are right now I think of it that he can't reuse questions - he has a theme and his picture round is properly researched etc - it takes him a full afternoon or evening to do his prep work, plus he prints everything out on our home printer)

OP posts:
BrittaPerry · 29/05/2012 08:00

So IABU?

:( Meh. I just think that 2 nights out a week, plus a night if we go out together, is quite a lot, and the small amount of payment doesn't really cover it. Plus of course he has his usual "nipping" to the pub on top, but that at least doesn't happen if I go out, kids are being pains, etc. I don't WANT to go out though, at least not often. I want to be in the house with my husband.

If you all think IABU then fair enough. It annoyed me when he told me, but maybe I am being overbearing.

OP posts:
diddl · 29/05/2012 08:04

He still doesn´t have to accept all the drinks, does he?

Can´t he say he´d rather have more money & less drinks?

Sounds as if taking on another quiz would be more trouble than it´s worth.

Maybe he could try for a while & stop if it´s all too time consuming/he keeps getting drunk.

notactuallyme · 29/05/2012 08:05

So you have 2 dds, you are at uni and he works part time? Tell him to get a full time job?

BrittaPerry · 29/05/2012 08:14

Erm, you show us a secure permanent full time job in the NE for someone with no specific qualifications that doesn't have 100,000 applicants and he will grab it with open arms. His last two jobs ended in redundancy (no payout) and six months unemployment despite full time serious jobhunting - at least this one is with a big company (think quality supermarket) He is at uni too - we both do OU, but I do 3/4 time, he does 1/2 time. I work too - my direct sales job brings in about £150 every three weeks, plus I will get promoted in the next week or so to the next level where I earn commission off my team too. Plus I am working for the first time after a major illness, so I can't do more than very part time. We aren't exactly sitting about doing nothing.

Hence why time together is precious though - but I suppose it also means we need to be happy to have any extra cash.

OP posts:
notactuallyme · 29/05/2012 08:21

Right. I'm not getting into the wisdom of your situation. I don't know the answer op, but I suspect another boozy night out will suit only one member of your family.

BrittaPerry · 29/05/2012 08:21

Sorry if that seems drip feedy - I didn't think it relevant.

He has only just stopped getting carers allowance for looking after me due to my mental health, and I am working against doctors advice - I was told not to work for at least 5 years to be sure I don't relapse as my relapses are so serious, (Section, support group ESA plus DLA - if you know about these you will know how bad I was to get these, but that is another thread) but, well, staying out of work was doing more harm than good.

I am well at the moment though touch wood so in the current situation it doesn't have any effect on the quiz. It does explain why we are so poor but not starving though.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 29/05/2012 08:23

To be honest, I think you are being a bit unreasonable. It sounds like part job/part hobby and a way of him being able to have a couple of nights out, which he enjoys, and gets paid for, as well as a few drinks.

BrittaPerry · 29/05/2012 08:24

OK. I am willing to accept IABU if that is what the majority think. I am maybe just jealous of his social life or something.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 29/05/2012 08:27

Why not do a compromise, he gets free drinks plus £30, and that is his night out, so if he was to give you the £30, you can have that for a night out with a friend and he can stay at home with the kids. :)

DinahMoHum · 29/05/2012 08:27

i think if hes your carer because of your severe mental health problems, then he probably really welcomes the break. I know it must be hard for you too. Im not saying id like it. I dont think I would. Im just saying you have no right to veto it

Trills · 29/05/2012 08:38

YAB a bit U

He has a hobby that doesn't cost any money, and actually results in him bringing home an extra £50 a week.

Seeing as it is his hobby and not really a job, you should get at least one night a week when you don't have to do any childcare or housework and can please yourself (going out or staying in) without him whining. Ideally it should be two nights, or one night and a weekend morning or afternoon.

Jux · 29/05/2012 08:55

You could suggest that as you do the evening on your own, then he must do the mornings on his own. He might curb his drinking if he knows he has to get up and see to the children.

TBH, round here most pubs can barely afford their entertainment (unless it's big screen tv), and rarely cover their costs, so I suspect he, and you, would be on a hiding to nothing asking for more money. Does he get fed as well?

£30 a week more coming in is not to be sneezed at.

GnocchiNineDoors · 29/05/2012 09:03

I would LOVE a pub quiz gig Grin mind, I don't drink, so would demand more money Grin

I do a big quiz for Christmas Day every year, and you are right, it does take up a lot of time, but is a very enjoyable hobby.

I agree with the PP, if he gets a night out and free booze, he should use the £30 to treat you with, or you have a night out with it and he babysits.

prayingmantisgroupie · 29/05/2012 09:04

Obviously I don't know where you live, how busy the pub is etc, but just for comparison's sake, DH and I spent many years working in the pub entertainment industry, and even when I packed it in five years ago, we were getting £130+ for an evening's entertainment, be it karaoke/disco/quiz whatever. And all drinks were usually thrown in. Clearly it's not as simple as that though, presumably if he asked for more cash, they'd just ditch him and get someone else willing to work for their 'rate'. Seems a pity though that he puts so much time and effort in for not much return, although I know only too well that every little helps!

Roseformeplease · 29/05/2012 09:05

Tell him it is OK but this is his "night out" not just a job and that there will be no more nipping to the pub on other nights.

prayingmantisgroupie · 29/05/2012 09:07

Sorry, just seen you are in the NE. We are in London, so obviously very different money wise. As you were! Blush