AIBU to want set contact times for exhusband and not for him to say when he can see son

[exmrs]

Husband had affair and moved in with other woman, husband and his mistress do a sport which is 3/4 weekends a month and sometimes 4/4 which involves travelling to races around country.

Husband doesnt want to have son for alternate weekends as he wouldnt be able to compete and he has said he will be kicked off the team if he cant attend every comp, this isnt true , he has been seeing son for less than half hour here and there through the week mon,wed, thu as he is a lorry driver and cant gurantee finish time but the times he comes is just before bed and isnt working as its through the week and my son ends up going to bed late 3 nights a week.

I told him this not working and proposed alternate weekends he disagreed at first and now has given me a list of dates he can do which i feel he is being unfair fitting his son around a hobby but he wont back down and said its them dates or nothing.

Im furious that he thinks he can dictate but want honest answers as to what he is suggesting is unreasonable

I should add in aug when most of the races he will see son for 1 day in 1 month in his proposals!!

Should also add the sport is a hobby and he has every weekend off from work

How old is DS? If he's old enough to be asking to see his dad, I'd try and fit in a bit with the dates that he has given, provided they suit you. If he's too young to ask to see his dad, I'd tell him to get bent.

My DS's father wanted to pick and choose when he saw DS as and when he felt like it. I said regular and consistent or nothing, and the court agreed. He now hasn't seen DS for 9 months.

I really feel for you, it's a shitty situation to be in.

How old is your ds?

have you got anything you want to take ds to on the weekends he is free? (eg family parties/weddings etc)

i think you have to step back and see what dates do work and see what you can work out. I understand that the whole situation grates (and I'd be exactly the same) but this is the time to set aside your justified anger at this Ex and see if you can make some dates work for the sake of your son.

The current situation is not working and too many late nights are devastating for your boy, and worse YOU pick up the fall out of that.

Take some time, have a and see what could work for you. There may be some level of consistency in it all, maybe not, but at least you would know all through summer when YOU will have a break.

Try to see a positive, it will help YOU heal. (((HUG)))

son is 5, i just think its unreasonable for him to dictate the only days he prepared to see him

I think it would depend on ds age. Does he ask for his dad? Is his dad maintaining contact because he feels he has to? He could be trying to slowly stop contact. Maybe you should try and have a proper chat with him.

I am the one who sorts out when we have my sd with us, but that is because me and hubs are both shift workers so we have to work around that. We have very little time to ourselves because we have sd on most of our days off and can't go out at short notice. It does annoy me sometimes that we don't get time together but that's just the way it is. Hubs ex wife is happy that we sort out the dates, although she does ask for certain dates for special occasions, if we can do it we will but with us both working full time we can't always do it.

My ex is the same and this is despite him taking me to contact to make himself look better. I wasn't stopping it and was actually offering more contact than he wanted plus he doesn't stick to every other weekend anyway. He is another one that wants to dictate when he has DS and it is based around his social life with OW. I now basically say that it is every other weekend but if he chooses not to turn up then that is his problem.

It is bloody shit isn't it. Not fair on your child and is bloody selfish IMO. Not much you can really do about it though as a court can't force the NRP to turn up!

I think it's unreasonable that he doesn't want to make more time for his child. But he is what he is and if you aren't going to be able to change his mind then you just have to go with it unfortunately. I wouldn't rearrange any plans you have for other things though, as long as that wouldn't stop your son from seeing his Dad for a very long time.

Try to think about it through your child's eyes. Would he want to see his dad whenever he can?

It IS unreasonable ExMrs, we all know that, you know that too! BUT, the alternative is that there is no contact at all.

I suggest that you find a way to roll your eyes mutter several hefty expletives and see what works for YOU.

Take back control by saying what YOU can do, and if that means there is little contact, then so be it. You will have fulfilled your side of things and when your son has no meaningful relationship with his dad, it'll not be because of anything YOU did or didn't do. Tell the ffer that you will store the dates he has given to you and you will confirm them as soon as you are able, so to keep them free. That will mean that he has to wait for YOU to confirm and he gets to have to put HIS life on hold...[evilgrin]

Work with what you have, don't waste energy on this man, the truth will always come out. Don't let this weak spineless bag 'o' sperm get to you, he really ISN'T worth it.

When your wounds have healed, you may find someone else to do a better job of co-parenting your boy, and you will ALL be happier for it.

Hold your head high, carry on and don't let this crappy individual spoil your day. any of them.