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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not help her move?

15 replies

redredruby · 28/05/2012 16:20

About 2 months ago my little sister moved into the spare room in the house I share with my boyfriend. She was paying rent.

When moving in I did all the driving and helped her with a lot of the packing, I did about 4 round trips (240 miles in total).

Two weeks ago after a series of arguments she decided that it would be best to move out, in her words, 'before living together damages our relationships'....fair enough, and I completely agree with that decision.

The problem is that currently all her stuff is still in the spare room and she wants me to help her move it, claiming to have no other way (i.e. not being able to afford to hire a van etc). I don't want to help her, not because I am cross with her moving out - it was definitely the right decision - but because she has been so mean to me over the last couple of months.

I just feel as though I give and give and she throws it back in my face and then she asks me for help again! Where am I going to draw the line? But, I have a friend coming to stay in a couple of weeks and I know if I don't help, her stuff will be there and there is no way my friend could sleep in that room.

So, should I help her or stick to my principles?

OP posts:

TheMonster · 28/05/2012 16:20

WOuld it be easier for you to pay for a man with a van to shift it all to her?

RandomNumbers · 28/05/2012 16:22

god yes, man with a van, be worth it to get rid

I take it she is v young (and you, too?)

Original poster

redredruby · 28/05/2012 16:25

She is mid 20s, I am 31.

I think the reason I am so reluctant to help is because there are never any consequences to her behaviour - she is rude, stroppy with me and then the next day will ask for a favour which I will do because I want to support and help her.

If I pay for this then, yet again, I am out of pocket, she has what she wants without making any changes to her behaviour or the way she treats me.

OP posts:

OldGreyWiffleTest · 28/05/2012 16:28

YANBU - presumably she has a job and is earning. "Your stuff will be outside on ......... it's up to you whether you come and get it or not."

Don't keep bending over backwards for her.

jojane · 28/05/2012 16:31

I agree with oldgrey, tell her if she hasn't Picked up her stuff in 7 days then it will be put outside as you need the room

BalloonSlayer · 28/05/2012 16:33

I suppose you could "help" by carrying it all down into the front garden for her and saying "Oh I didn't realise that wasn't what you meant!" in an innocent fashion.

EldritchCleavage · 28/05/2012 16:34

I think your last post is what you should say to your sister.

Do you believe her when she says she has no money?

Presumably she could borrow from e.g. parents to get her stuff shifted? Unless she is absolutely destitute, then she is choosing to leave her stuff for you to deal with-a kind of unspoken ultimatum.

It's her problem to sort out, so tell her the deadline and wait for her to move it. Be clear that if it is still there after the deadline has passed it is going on the pavement.

Oh, and stop helping her. She won't grow up until you do.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 28/05/2012 16:35

Tell her you will help if she pays your petrol money, and if she won't do that then she needs to continue to pay Renton tearoom until she has cleared it, or hire a man with a van.

DizzyKipper · 28/05/2012 16:37

Well the "tough" thing to do would be to refuse to help her move it, not pay for a man and van to get rid of it, and tell her all of it must be out by X date or it will be sent to the dump (and proceed to dump it if it is still there). That's what I'd imagine myself doing if I was made of a sterner stuff anyway.

ChaoticismyLife · 28/05/2012 16:41

Ask her why should you help her after she has been rude and stroppy towards you? Or would she help someone who had be rude and stroppy to her. Then give her a date that she needs to have the stuff moved by. It might just make her think about her behaviour in future. Then again it might not.

slowlyburningcalories · 28/05/2012 16:42

My sister has been pretty much like yours has, backed up by my parents endlessly supporting her. About two months ago I gave up. I stopped being there for the never ending money grabbing freeloading etc, I feel a lot better. My sister however feels this is some massive attention seeking behaviour on my part, and yet many of my family I notice of late have started ti also become tired of subsidising her lifestyle.

The final straw for me was when she told my DH and I that it was great we had kids first as she could have all the baby things when she got round to it.

Haven't spoken to her since. That was one step too far. We have worked bloody hard to buy DD nice things, she takes holidays and spends years the other side of the world having fun, but comes home when she runs out of money and becomes a cause celebre by her exotic travels. I prefer my little family!

slowlyburningcalories · 28/05/2012 16:43

Stupid phone. So not yanbu. Put it on the lawn and tell her t pay to collect it

GnocchiNineDoors · 28/05/2012 16:49

"SIL, I will happily keep your stuff in my flat until 6pm on Sunday evening. If you have not collected it by then, it will remain on the street for as long as the theives can keep their hands off it".

TheCraicDealer · 28/05/2012 17:04

I would pay a bit towards a man-with-a-van to get it all shifted in one trip. She's taken quite a step forward (or at least I would think so, if the self-obsessed, immature people I know are anything to go by) in admitting that you living together is damaging your relationship and that she's contributing to your problems. She's trying to make sure it doesn't get worse rather than keep blaming it all on her sister. I'd recognise this and help her out a bit, but definitely draw the line now and make it clear that this is not going to be a regular occurrence. It's all very well saying "Oh I'd dump her stuff in the garden", but that's hardly going to help sisterly relations in the future. A token gesture to show you appreciate her coming to a mature decision that'll save you both a lot of grief is the way I'd play it.

bigjoeent · 28/05/2012 17:45

Poor you, agree with the craicdealer, if you dump it after a deadline (I completely synmpathise with you on this and would feel like doing it myself) it may cause problems later on. Either contribute to a man with a van or if you help, insist she pays you petrol AND takes you out for lunch to a place of your choosing. Oh and ebay your baby clothes when you don't need them.

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