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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have hoped my 2 oldest friends of 30+ years would have visited me after major surgery before 2 months had passed

17 replies

littlemissbossy · 28/05/2012 08:55

I appreciate they do not live on the doorstep - one half an hour away the other an hour, one is a single parent and the other works full-time so I know it's not easy (although both have cars) but having had major surgery I have now received a text from one of them suggesting we go out for lunch in 3 weeks time, that will be 2 months since my operation. I've never considered myself a "needy" friend but I am hurt that not one has suggested to see me before then. I can't drive, do anything etc and am going out of my mind with boredom - it would have been nice to have a chat even just for an hour. Just needed to rant a bit rather than respond like this to the text... which will be "thanks, that will be lovely".

OP posts:

Ilovedaintynuts · 28/05/2012 09:02

My mum always used to say that the only people who will ever really be there for you are family. When we were selfish teenagers/in our twenties she would remind us if we broke a leg/became ill the only people sitting at our bedside would be family.

I hate when my mum's right! For me this has been correct.

When I broke my right arm three months ago (have 3 young children) the only people who were there to help me were my family. My 'best' friend of 25 years never even visited or offered to help, just said "give me a ring when you're feeling up to it". She lives 20 minutes drive away. I felt and still feel so hurt.

YANBU

thegreylady · 28/05/2012 09:10

When I had breast cancer my friends were mostly 'there for me' My DD had just had her first baby,my son lives abroad and I am an only child with both parents dead. My oldest friend was best even though she lives 150 miles away she visited a couple of times and texted every day. The people I consider my closest friends were really thrown by my illness and only came to see me briefly. My cousin,my closest family member, just backed off. He was terrified!
My dh was my salvation.

Megatron · 28/05/2012 09:11

YANBU at all. It's hurtful.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 28/05/2012 09:21

YANBU, but I think you have to remind yourself that it isn't that your friends don't care about you. They must care about you and want to see you otherwise they wouldn't have suggested the lunch.

I think many of us are guilty of letting life get in the way of things that are really important sometimes. I think the fact that one of these friends is a single parent and one works full time (also a parent?) does explain things. Yes, they could have found time to come and visit for a short amount of time, but I'm sure they have their own things going on too as we all do. Presumably you weren't up for visitors straight away, and then when your were up for visitors, visitors with children in tow might not have been the best.

I think if they are really close friends then they may have wanted to see you, but you said yourself that you were waiting for them to suggest it. Maybe if you had said that you coudk really do with a visit, they would have prioritised making that happen. But when it's up to them to suggest, it's easy to let the busyness of normal life take over. And they have suggested it now. How often do you see them when you aren't having health issues?

catsrus · 28/05/2012 09:25

the other thing to remember is that people respond to illness differently, and we often make assumptions based on our own feelings - when I'm ill I want to be left alone to recover, I don't want visitors, my ex wanted to be fussed over, the total opposite end of the spectrum.

It may be that they are both assuming you want to be left to heal and will let them know when you're ready to face up to seeing people again.

Nancy66 · 28/05/2012 09:25

That is a bit shitty - but if they're really good friends then try not to write them off because of this.

It could be that they felt awkward or thought you'd want your space. A bit thoughtless but probably no malice there.

I'd just send a text saying 'Yes please. Have missed you' or something like that

ipswichwitch · 28/05/2012 09:25

Yanbu at all. It's hurtful when people who claim to care about you are nowhere to be seen when you actually need them, even with just a kind word. I have friends and family who didn't (and still haven't) been to see us almost 8 month now after the stillbirth of one of our twin boys. In fact one of DPs mates txt a month ago (last time we were in contact I was 7 month preg n ok) asking how life with the twins was going. We do actually know for a fact he was told what happened.
People can be very self absorbed/crap at times. Hope your recovery going ok OP

springydaffs · 28/05/2012 09:27

It is hurtful but maybe they 1. thought you had family who would be looking after you and 2. if they visited they might have felt obligated to get involved over a longer period, and wouldn't have been able to do that re commitments.

Just an idea. But it is hurtful

springydaffs · 28/05/2012 09:32

so sorry ipswich

misty0 · 28/05/2012 09:35

Sympathies OP. YANBU.

My friend since school (30+ years), with whom in the past i have sat and listened to for literally hours going over the intricacies of her relationship counceling, was utterly useless last year when i had a MC at 14 weeks :(

I forgive her - but it has left a sour taste in my mouth, IYKWIM. Its very disheartening isnt it?

I hope your feeling better now after your surgery anyway OP.

nosleepwithworry · 28/05/2012 09:37

While i agree that is upsetting.....and for this yanbu.
However, i strongly believe from bitter bitter experience that all it takes is a text from you saying that you would love to see them just for a cuppa for an hour and catch up before then.
Just do it, dont wallow and feel hard done by, just ask.

I so so so wish i had done that, its too late for me, now, but my best advice, just a quicky text.

Oh and my favourite Sarah Millican mantra "nobody is going to turn that light on at the end of that tunnel for you...you gotta march up there and switch that fucker on yourself"

Adayforthinking · 28/05/2012 10:16

I'm with nosleep on this one.

I would text back and say 'that's lovely, but if you're free for an hour to catch up before then, that would be great, I'm dying of boredom to be honest and could do with some company - LOL'. Light-hearted, chilled and who could say no to that?!

Honestly, they will be there. Good luck.

emsyj · 28/05/2012 10:21

They might be deliberately keeping a low profile on the assumption that you will be being 'nursed' by your family and that they would be in the way. My oldest and dearest friend didn't come to visit me in hospital after I had a crash section with DD (I was in for nearly a week) but afterwards she said that she would never have presumed to turn up at the hospital as she thought it would be an intrusion (I didn't ask her why she didn't come, I just happened to mention casually that it was quite lonely as I was in a single room). If you need help or you want company, it is a bit crap but yes, you do have to ask.

Original poster

littlemissbossy · 28/05/2012 11:13

Thank you all for your messages, you have made me feel a better about this. I think you are all right in that it is a little bit thoughtless but probably not intentionally so and as I'm being taken care of their visits are not needed. How wrong they are though, they would make all the difference. Unfortunately I can't actually make the date they have suggested so have texted back to see if we can see each other sooner. Thanks ladies.

OP posts:

Nancy66 · 28/05/2012 18:55

littlemissbossy - if it helps, I have a good friend that I felt very hurt by when she wasn't there for me when I was quite sick (especially as I had done the same for her.)

I now realise it just wasn't what she was good at.

Now I try and box and label my friends (for want of a better expression)

EG: Friend A - the person to pick-me-up, make me laugh and get drunk with. Not one for serious advice or emotional offloading.

Friend B - serious, gives great counsel - not the right person for a gossipy, frivolous lunch.

etc etc....

ReindeerBollocks · 28/05/2012 18:59

I learnt the hard way too, after getting only visits from limited family and two friends after a major op.

When I spoke to other friends about it, apparently I deal with medical things very well, so they assumed I didn't need any support.

Talk to them and ask for a visit sooner, and see what they can/will do.

Threeprinces · 28/05/2012 19:15

I'd just agree with others really. They aren't doing it purposefully not are they probably aware that thy have 'failed' you in any way.

I've also just had fairly major surgery and have been surprised by who has come up trumps and who hasn't bothered to text/phone/visit. Like you I can't drive or go out myself and am needing a lot of help with the kids. I have had great family support but it would have been nice to have the odd text or offer from some of those who I considered to be good friends. Some people I considered to be less close have been fantastic though.

I'd also strongly agree with other suggestions re you texting, I also wouldn't think to do this and would normally wait for people to contact me, after all I'm the 'ill' one but it does make sense to be less stubborn!

Hope you're better soon and get to see them

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