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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to tell him he really does have to go?

28 replies

LucyDeSpiderman · 27/05/2012 22:49

Ok I'll try and keep this brief. ExP and I split up 2 years ago, we have 4 year old DS and 2 year old DD together. I've tried VERY hard for the past 2 years to keep our relationship amicable, and after a rocky start we started getting along and for about a year we've been quite good friends; spend a lot of time together with the DC. His moods can be quite volatile, and there have been times where he's spoken to me like shit, but I've carried on working through it for the sake of the children.
Fastforward to around a month ago, things went wrong for him all at once - he lost his job and fell out with his Dad quite spectacularly. They've always had a strange relationship, exP was living with his Dad and they always argued a lot. He asked me if he could stay at my house for a couple of weeks as his Dad had told him he had to leave. I was quite hesitant in agreeing but he said it would only be a couple of weeks and I didn't want to see him on the streets so I said yes. He's been sleeping in the spare room.
He's been here around 5 weeks now. His behaviour has been pretty terrible..ive recently started seeing a guy, and he's given me no end of grief over it, he calls me names and just generally speaks to me like shit. He gives me very little money and seems to think this is ok. Every time I bring up the fact that he really needs to find somewhere else to go he acts all defensive and says he has nowhere to go etc. He's been out all day and its been great, having my house to myself again. Its obviously causing issues with the guy I've just started seeing too because I can't invite him round to mine on an evening because ex is here! I've text him and told him he needs to be out within a week and I know that when he comes back there will be an argument about it. AIBU to tell him he has to leave even though he says he has nowhere else to go? Sorry if this is long, I have shortened it as much as I could.

OP posts:
SerendipitousHarlot · 27/05/2012 22:53

Seriously, YANBU. You've done your bit, it's up to him now. Stick to your guns, and he will be forced to grow the fuck up.

How dare he be rude to you when you're putting him up? Tell him to gtfo Angry

RandomMess · 27/05/2012 22:53

No you are not being unreasonable and I would consider asking him to leave and calling the police if he starts get aggressive towards you at all!

LucyDeSpiderman · 27/05/2012 23:04

That's a relief..i was fairly sure I was in the right here but needed someone else to say it. He'll be back in the morning I imagine so I'll tell him then. Dreading it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/05/2012 23:07

christ almighty, stop making like Mother Theresa and get him the fuck out of your house

and when he is verbally abusive in the future, I suggest you get tough and stop "working through it" for the sake of the dc's

call him on it as it happens, and show your dc this is not the way you treat women

McHappyPants2012 · 27/05/2012 23:10

Get him out ASAP

LucyDeSpiderman · 27/05/2012 23:16

I know you're right, this is what I needed!! A kick up the arse. I feel like an absolute mug, he's walked all over me from when I fell pregnant with our DS, over 4 years ago now, and I've let him Angry I'll tell him tomorrow.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/05/2012 23:17

and in future ?

when he tells your dc, by his actions, that the mother of his children is worth shit ?

LucyDeSpiderman · 27/05/2012 23:28

I don't know :( I don't know what I can do. I have to stop spending time with him.

OP posts:
SerendipitousHarlot · 27/05/2012 23:28

I'm glad you're angry. What a prick this bloke is. He's going to get the shock of his life when you tell him, just stay strong, because he'll try and make you feel guilty.

ShakeWhatYourMamaGaveYou · 27/05/2012 23:29

Does he not have 1 single other friend or family member to stay with?? Or do they all find him as obnoxious as he sounds? Not your problem anyway... Yadddnbu, in fact yes, you are being taken advantage of. Understand you feel the need to be somewhat civil for the sake of the dcs but he HAS to go.
If he still resists, put all his stuff outside and change the locks.

AnyFucker · 27/05/2012 23:30

yes, stop playing Happy Families

you are not a Happy Family

Daddy abuses Mummy

that is not any sort of example to show your children

he is wrong here, but you are condoning it

make him see the children separately from you

LucyDeSpiderman · 27/05/2012 23:52

I've told him to go to his friends but he always has an excuse. AnyFucker, you're right, thankyou for putting it so clearly for me. I am going to stand up to him, I'm so glad I posted now...i wasn't sure how I'd take getting a bollocking which I knew I'd have if I posted but it is exactly what I needed. Yes I am angry, I'm angry a lot of the time when he's around but he always seems to talk his way around me.

OP posts:
manicbmc · 28/05/2012 00:00

What a horrid situation. Doesn't sound like he's been looking for any alternative. Boot him out. He can get a flat/bedsit like everyone else would have to.

I'd go so far as to have his stuff bagged up ready so he can go straight away. And make sure you have your key back.

sunnydelight · 28/05/2012 04:02

Of course YANBU - the guy needs to leave NOW. He is seriously taking advantage and probably has no intention of stopping unless he is forced to. Be prepared for emotional blackmail though, emotionally abusive people are very clever at trying to turn the tables. Resist it!

MrsMuddyPuddles · 28/05/2012 05:07

Any chance he's depressed? Mental health aside, kick him out. He can call Shelter for advice if needed.

TheQueenOfSheba · 28/05/2012 05:18

Can you write him a letter to take to the Housing Department saying he can no longer live with you?

hecatetrivia · 28/05/2012 06:14

well, he's got his feet nicely under the table again, hasn't he? Look - he's not your problem any more. Where he goes is not your problem.

AF is quite right.

Shutupanddrive · 28/05/2012 08:07

Kick him out ASAP!

AnyFucker · 28/05/2012 09:02

let us know how it goes OP, we are here to support you (but make sure you get some in RL too)

LucyDeSpiderman · 28/05/2012 09:17

Thanks for the replies. Not sure about mental health..he has suffered from depression in the past, when we first split up. He doesn't seem depressed now though, he's happy most of the time. He's not back yet, he text me twice at 2.45 asking if he could 'come back home' and was the door unlocked (he doesn't have a key) I didn't reply as I was asleep, and I wouldn't have let him come back anyway. Fairly sure he was drinking all through yesterday and the one thing I asked of him was to not be around me when he'd had a drink as that's when he's at his worst, with me anyway. Everyone else thinks he's great, apparently. It's only me that thinks he's a nasty little man.

OP posts:
manicbmc · 28/05/2012 09:20

Everyone pretty much thinks my ex is great too, and can't see he is a smelly old drunk.

Good that he doesn't have a key. I'd just bag up his things and leave them on the doorstep.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2012 09:21

if it's any consolation, I think he is a nasty little man too

it's interesting that you say he is "at his worst around you" when he has been drinking

what form does that "worse behaviour", that he hides from the rest of friends/family, take ?

LucyDeSpiderman · 28/05/2012 10:34

Mainly name calling. He knows how to upset me, I suffered pretty badly from PND after having DD, and although I'm almost back to normal I'm still not 100%. I still worry that I'm not doing the best i can for the dc, and when he's in these nasty moods he'll made snide comments about my parenting, my house, my friends, how i spend my spare time. Everything, he picks at every little thing I do.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/05/2012 11:33

Yes, I certainly conclude he is a nasty little shit

I bet you are a great parent. Tell him to go fuck himself.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 28/05/2012 21:20

hope kicking him to the kerb went well OP?