...to choose not to choose?

[AltruisticEnigma]

I have 2 half sisters. One is already married and the other is getting married in 2 months time. The first one, we'll call Clarissa - didn't invite the other, we'll call Charlotte, to her wedding. Clarissa is my mothers daughter and Charlotte is my Dad's daughter. Charlotte has borderline schizophrenia and Clarissa went through some real tough times with Charlotte as well as my Mum and of course, myself.

My Mum asked me the other day if Clarissa asked me to choose between inviting Charlotte or her to my wedding and I said I'd invite neither if they were asking me to choose, because no loving family member would make me choose between them and that although a lot has happened, they could both try and be nice for just 5 hours of their lives and not even talk to eachother.

My Mum said she is shocked I wouldn't choose Clarissa due to her not doing anything to me, at least not properly unlike Charlotte who was violent towards me and Mum and Clarissa sometimes and has tried to ruin things in the past.

I said it's not who I 'love' more, it's just the principle of being asked to choose I think it's wrong and kind of evil. I think this may mean that Clarissa has expressed to Mum that she wont go if Charlotte is coming. I'm going to Charlottes wedding and have gone to Clarissas.

AIBU to not choose between sisters, or anyone for that matter?

YANBU, you seem very sensible and I wouldnt want to choose between family members or anyone else.

I think you're right. It's your wedding and your day, and it would be very unreasonable of someone else to dictate who you do or do not invite. I would do the same as you.

Considering it's a hypothetical situation, I don't know why you're even pondering it.

You're right, although in your place I'd invite both not neither and enter no debate about the matter, it's then entirely their choice if they come.

yellowraincoat although it's hypothetical in a sense, I think my Mum was hinting that my sister had said this to her, as she seemed quite upset with what I said. Plus, Clarissa has refused to speak to Charlotte since she left home over 10 years ago.

OddBoats or that too but my worry would be a fight, which would ruin my wedding day and not to be selfish, but that's one day I want to be about me and my hubby and it's only a year and a half away and doubt things are going to change from then until now tbh.

I see. Sorry, I re-read my comment and it came across as quite bitchy. Didn't mean it to be.

Family stuff isn't easy especially when you're the sensible one, stuck between two people going he-said-she-said.

I'd invite both and tell them that if they don't want to be in the same room they can decide who goes.

Just invite them both and if they don't turn up then it's there problem not yours

My family is very like this and, tbh, forget diplomacy for all concerned. As bluntly as possible, you say to everyone who is likely to cause problems "I am inviting x y & z. If any one of you causes a problem/scene/situation on the day, do be assured that I will not hesitate to personally evict you if you embarrass me in front of all my and DH's friends and relations. No questions will be asked and no mercy will be shown."

And you MUST mean it. And follow through if required.

Invite both, tell your mum that you want both of your sisters at your wedding, ideally both being happy for you, if either don't think they can be polite and well behaved for a day, or they do'nt think witnessing your marriage is important to them, then they are entitled to decline the invite, but they aren't entitled to dictate who is/isn't on the guest list of a wedding that isn't their's.

Let your mother feed that back. If they both accept your invite, assign some of your DH2B's friends to control the situation, make sure htey are aware and on stand by to throw them both out at the first sign of trouble.

Just from what you said in your OP, it sounds more like your mum is, not shit stirring exactly, but maybe "getting in first" to protect her daughter from someone else's daughter iyswim. Does your mum feel you somehow owe more to your "full sister" than to your half sister?

If it were my wedding I would say that I am inviting them both (if I wanted both to attend) and that if one of them wasn't happy to attend if the other went then that's their choice and they can refuse to come. My choice is to invite both. They have the decision of whether to come or not not me.
I thought they were both half sisters and the mother just wants her daughter invited rather than her exhusband's daughter. I'm presuming the parents are divorced because the mother is being so mean about the other half sister. I would hope she wouldn't be that horrid about a mentally ill step daughter.

Thanks some great advice here and yes, I will definately do that.

PomBear they are both my half sisters. Clarissa^ is Mum's daughter but not Dad's, though she sees Dad as her Dad. Charlotte is Dad's but not Mum's. I'm both my Mum's and Dad's, obviously.

She thinks because Clarissa hasn't done me any wrong, I should auto choose her. But to me, it's not a who has done the best. I want all my family to be there.

2rebecca No, my parents are still married. It's because my sister and I had to endure being hit, bit, sworn at, told we should die etc and my Mum had it happen to her too. My Dad is a lovely man, but wasn't taking charge and lacked discipline with her. I guess my Mum just thinks because of all she has put us through, my sister has a right not to like her and that's okay, that is her choice. I just want for one day that to be put under the rug if you will and to both be happy I have found the most amazing man ever, you know?