Bullying ?

[sam12345]

apologies if this isn't the correct forum for this but I don't know where else to turn.

We were out at the local park today and DD (aged 7) just froze when she saw a couple of girls from her school in the year above her. She said she wanted to go home straight away & looked v nervous. I took her home & eventually got it out of her that those girls have been 'bothering' (her words) at lunchtime - blocking her path, not letting her go to her friends & generally taunting her. She was pleading with me not to tell the teachers because that 'only makes it worse'. Turns out that she had told one of the teachers on playground duty & it only got worse. Shed also to a dinner lady & the same thing happened.

DH thinks she needs to toughen up but she's such a gentle child & I can see this is bothering her but I'm not sure what to do. I'm planning to have a word with her teacher but worried that those girls may step up their antics - any advice please ?

I disagree with your DH that children need to 'toughen up' and not let bullies bother them, but I understand why he might think it because you want your DC to be able to brush it off when other children are being horrible to them.

Your DD has tried to sort it herself by telling the teachers and dinner ladies and it didn't work, I'd try and talk to her a bit more and let her know you need to speak to the school to sort it for her.

I know she doesn't want to, but the teachers and dinner ladies might just think it's a bit of a spat which they must deal with all the time, they need to know it's more than that to your DD.

Does she know why these older children have zeroed in on her?

I'm a primary Headteacher. My advice is to ring/pop into school and see the Head. Parents often say "my DC doesn't know I'm here but...will you keep an eye on...find out about" relationship between DC and these other kids. It can be easily sorted. Don't wait for DD to toughen up :-(

There was a terrible thread on Chat a while ago about the effects of bullying. I'd definitely talk to the school on Monday morning (or asap) about these girls and take it from there.

Also ask your DD to keep a diary of what's happening?

I mean a diary of what the older girls do, btw.

Absolutely go and see the head/year head - if the school are not informed then they can't do anything about it.

Schools have bullying policies for a reason and it's unlikely that it's just your daughter that they are bullying.

Thanks for the replies. I'm going to call the school first thing on Monday morning for an appointment. DD is a quiet child and I think these girls have just picked on someone who won't talk back. I think I need to work on her set-confidence and need to find some out of school activities for her.

Do you think I can ask the teacher to deal with it without letting these girls know that the complaint is coming from DD ?

Thanks once again for your advice.

i disagree with your DH too. Todays school bully usually becomes tomorrows workplace bully.

I'm not sure about going behind your DDs back though OP, it might put her off coming to you with something else if she thinks she'll have no control over what happens.

The school told my DD to go to her teacher at a time when there was nobody about and tell them if she was getting hassled, and they'd sort it without letting on she'd said.

It did take trying a few different things before it settled down, but it did make a difference the school having a bit of a plan of action and encouraging me/us to go back if things weren't getting better.

The teacher should take the problem seriously and tackle the bullies directly. They ought to know who is making the complaints so that they can apologise and reform. These children may scare the hell out of your DD but they are still little kids... 8-9 years old... and teachers are a damn sight scarier. Bullying is a horrible thing and you need to tell DH he is meant to protect your child, not imply she should 'man up' or something else stupid.

Telling the bullies who made the complaint might mean they can apologise and say they'll reform Cognito, but there are so many times when teachers can't hear what's going on that they'll have plenty of opportunities to ramp it up with the OPs DD.

If you've had no luck with the teacher and dinner lady then you need to see the Head. You've gone through the correct channels (trying the teacher first) but without a resolution. So the Head it is.

sam12345 I'm so glad you are going to the school and to work on her confidence.
She's fortunate to have such a caring mother and it's a pity about her dad

@AgentZigzag... these are little kids, not mafia hoods. Teachers and playground assistants can and should be supervising them. School should be a safe, pleasant place for children to be. Sessions can be set up so that the bullies appreciate how horrible it is to be on the receiving end of their actions. Their parents can be called in if necessary. The OP has to go in hard, demand action and get follow-ups because, if she soft-pedals, the teaching staff won't take her seriously. And her DD (even though these kids make her nervous and she's worried about their reaction) will think that nobody cares and she's been thrown to the wolves. StepOutOfSpring is quite right about escalating it to the head if it's not being dealt with ...

I really feel for you and your DD OP.

I'm not there with my DD yet (she's only 2.10), but it's something I've given a lot of thought to as I was bullied throughout my school life.

I agree with talking to the head, however, (and this may be an unpopular view), to some extent I also agree with your DH in the respect that I think children should be given the tools to help them deal effectively with bullies, as unfortunately, they will encounter them in some way, shape or form throughout their lives. I agree with taking measures to increase your DD's self confidence where possible.

I also intend to go one stage further with my DD when she's old enough, in that I will be actively encouraging her to do some kind of martial art. As an adult, I did kickboxing for some time, and it increased my confidence no end. I wish that it was something which I had done as a child, as it may have given me confidence to stand up to the bullies.

They might be small children cognito, but some children can be manipulative, spiteful and won't take kindly to being 'grassed up' to the teachers.

They know full well once the teachers back's turned they can get a sly dig in, and thankfully my DDs teachers knew that, and dealt with the shit she got quietly and without putting more pressure on DD making her reluctant to go to them again.

I'm so so so so sorry that your little girl is going through this. Im 20 now but I went through the same thing when I was in primary school. I was pushed, hair pulled, books ripped up, clothes ruined, chewing gum in my hair, beat up etc etc. my mum used to cry sending me to school.
When I got to high school the same people who bullied me where there and tried to do it. It didn't happen. Something just clicked in me. I won't go into detail but those girls and everyone else never bothered me ever again, and bullied people came to me for help.

It was a horrible time but I'm glad it happened. It made me what I am now. Your little girl will get through it. But it is hard, you need to tell her though tht one day she will look back on it and giggle

I would go into the school if I was you and make them aware of it at least. I can't say anything will happen, it didn't work for us, but it needs to be done.

And whoever said these children aren't the mafia. No obviously they aren't, but never underestimate how evil, vindictive and manipulative a group of kids can be.

Could you remove her from the school? Give her a chance somewhere else? My friends sister had to transfer schools because of bullying and she's never been happier.

My dd1 doesn't like me going in when she's had problems. The last time I wrote a letter to her form teacher and started by saying not to let her know that I'd written in. He's taken it seriously and done his best to solve it. I thanked him at the last parents' evening for doing it so discretely.
When she leaves this school I may tell her that I wrote in.

Thanks for all the replies. I'm going into school tomorrow morning & will ask to see the Head/Deputy .I'll write back after my meeting.

Thank you all for your messages. You've made me feel empowered and confident that things can get better for DD.

Hope all goes well for you tomorrow.

I went to school yesterday & had a meeting with DD's teacher explaining situation. I also asked her not to tell DD that I was raising this issue, as DD was adamant that things would get worse if the girls knew. So what did DD's teacher do? She discussed the matter with DD & told the girls who had complained. DD was very upset with me last night & for the first time ever , she didn't want to school today. She was upset this morning ( had a long list of ailments ) and I gave in & let her stay at home. I know this was wrong but other than physically loft her and take her in I didn't know what to do. She seems ok now & I'm going to take her in tomorrow even if it means that I have to bribe her to go !

I'm annoyed with the teacher & worried that things may become worse for DD & her confidence.

Oh no! :( Of course you would be annoyed with the teacher, how insensitive and it obviously hasn't helped at all. I think you'd be totally justified to ask to see the head (phone for an appointment so they can't say s/he is busy). If still no joy then the LEA or even OFSTED, but hopefully it won't come to that!