To expect some support from DH with my low moods/depression?

[twinklingfairy]

Finally went to the doctor to ask for help and was referred for Cognative Behavioural Therapy.
My first session was yesterday.
DH did manage to ask how it had gone, I managed to tell him some snippets but it all seems so much to take in, how could I express it to him.
The conversation quickly reverted to work talk (his, I don't work. Just mum to our two children, whilst he is working away)
I managed to steer it back to being able to discuss my session and talked through a few things that she had suggested. There was mainly silence at the other end, I now realise.
Eventually he says 'Oh. Are you watching Sky?'
eh?
'can you record blablabla?'
I said I had actually already got it booked in.
He says 'Oh, thats good. I saw it advertised the other day.....bla bla bladdy bla....so good that you have it booked in already. Ok, I need to go for a shower and get to bed. Bye then.'

That was it. That was his support.
Is it any surprise that I am feeling incredibly low today.
I have just cleared the childrens room, using the bin, because for an hour now they have achieved nothing.
We are meant to be out in 5 mins and I am on here because I have to let out my upset to someone!

Sent DH a text this morning 'thanking' him for his support and whadya know, no response.

How the hell am I supposed to get out of this if my own DH burries his head?
My mother is about the same, don't discuss personal matters anymore.
She makes me feel as DH does, as if it is just self indulgent nonsense.
Is it, am I being self indulgent?

I don't think you're being self indulgent but perhaps your husband is finding it difficult to know what to say. I don't think that text will help as it isn't an open expression of your needs and how disappointed you feel. I hope you feel better soon.

Its hard for me to take it in, my dh doesn't get why I feel the way I do, not everyone understands depression, I think you have to go through it yourself to fully understand the complexity of it. Yes you need support, but so does your dh, as he is the one on the receiving end of your moods, even if you dont think he is.

probably not the answer you want, but that was what was happening in my life/currently is.

Its not that my dh isn't being supportive etc.. he just doesn't know what to say/make me better/help or say the right thing etc...

Your dh needs it spelt out to him that to show support all he has to do is ask you about it, listen to what you say and then respond nicely. Many men don't see that as support so they don't do it, but that doesn't mean they don't care and don't want to be supportive. It just means they don't realise the value of being listened to and having feelings understood.

My sister has anxiety issues and the other has had depression in the past, while I listen and talk my parents sometimes struggle and tend to change the subject or say "oh right, what do you want me to say" I know they are worried and that they love them both very much, they wish that they could help but often with mental issues like this people just don't know how to deal with it.

Perhaps DH thinks if he says something it will be the wrong thing, or just doesn't know what to say, it doesn't mean he doesn't care. Have you ever in the past made him feel that he has said the wrong thing? It's harder than practical medical issues e.g. Your foots broken, we fix it! And people tend to react in the same way, "you're lonely, oh well go out more". To which they then obviously get a negative reaction and back off.

Get some help with the kids so you can have an hour alone with him and tell him how you need him to handle it, tell him you need him to listen, give you a hug and not pass comment or whatever. Think about what you need and lay out a path (a reasonable one) for him.

Good luck x

My DH suffers from depression. It suffocates me.
My life follows his downs and ups. I won't talk to him about it because it makes me feel nervous, anxious and unhappy. Two unhappy parents affects the DC so I try to remain positive for their sake.
It is an illness and as with any illness, people need support. Sometimes the nearest and dearest aren't the ones best placed to give that support IYSWIM.
I'm sorry you are not well.

He had finished work I suppose, he was tired, and he probably just didnt want to hear all about it, because, (and I mean this in the most sincere way), when someone has depression, it can be draining to constantly listen to them.. he is probably pleased that you are getting treatment, and looking forwards to the new you once you have carried on getting the help from a trained person.

Your husband is not that trained person, he wont automatically say the things you want to hear, or behave the way you think he should.

It really does not help to be too sympathetic at times, there comes a point when you cant take much more of the "woe is me". My husband suffered depression and low moods, and he is the first to admit that the best thing that helped him to think positive was people who didnt pander to him, and who told him straight that he had to change his way of thinking, stop the negativity, and he will also say that at the time he felt a bit hurt that those people were not patting his shoulder, holding his hand, and encouraging the low moods etc.

Sending him a passive aggressive text probably was not the right thing to do, and it isnt surprising that he hasnt replied.

OP, I 'suffer' from anxiety and depression and have done since I was a teen.

So has my husband.

Not his own anxiety and depression, mine.

It's bloody hard work and soul destroying and horrible for the whole household and family. Frankly.

I can't help my depression/anxiety. I am aware of some of the triggers and do my best to avoid these. But when he comes home from work and I'm in a mess having just about got myself together to take DD to school, or I'm awake night after night with the fear of going to work. When I can't enjoy the simplest thing or see the wood for the trees or everything is falling around me and I'm in so deep and dark that I'm unable to "buck up my ideas". It's fucking hard work for him.

I know it's draining for him when things are very bad and this is his life too. He only gets one shot at it.

Like KittyFane said, he can't talk to me about the ups and downs of his own life because he knows I can't take it. So when he was put into another redundancy process at work, when he was at serious risk of losing his job, when his dad had a stroke, when his brother's son was being assessed for ASD he didn't tell me. I didn't know any of it until after the fact. I'm his wife. He shouldn't have to go through the shit stuff on his own and take on my shit too.

Depression isn't self indulgent but, as with a lot of illnesses, it's not great to 'give in' to it all the time. Yes, there are times when it's impossible to 'put on a brave face' but sometimes it does actually help - even if it just changes the response you get from other people.

I would also agree with what squeaky said about her husband - sometimes having someone who isn't 'supporting' it can help if only a little.

I hear what you are saying, and I totally get it, but DH has never fully supported me in anything emotional.
If I get emotional, or explain any negative feelings he backs right off.
I mean literally. I will be sitting on the couch, he will lean on the, open, living room door, desperate to get away.
Or he suddenly feels exactly the same way, next thing I know we are discussing his problems and worries, mine having been completely forgotten.
I don't turn to him with much, where is the point.
But when I finally do, and explained to him exactly what was going on and that I couldn't continue to brush it all off 'putting on my brave face, even for him.
When I finally admitted that there was a problem and I wanted help, he tried to convince me I was fine and didn't need the help. Yes I had been down for a long time (since the birth of my son, 3yrs) but I was better now, right?
Sometimes, yes, but so much, No.
I explained that his hands off, back away from the crazy lady was not helpful. What I needed was a shoulder, a cuddle he did it, . . .that night.
And now.....
He has been working away for nearly a month now, that is not helping. Money has been tight, that didn't help.
I am convinced he was watching telly as I talked last night, only half a mind on my prattling away in his ear.
I am also sure he said 'well, I hope you get it sorted out soon.'
I'm sure I replied 'I am not meant to do it alone, you know, I am meant to be supported?'
No idea, now, what his response to that was.
He probably ran across his empty living room, only to realise I was still in his ear.

Were you depressed before you met him at all?

He sounds enough to make me depressed :(

He's really not on board with the whole love & support thing is he?!

You sound very very unhappy - with reason.

My DH struggles like this too. If I try to discuss something heart felt with him, I feel like things haven't been discussed thoroughly. I cope by phoning my best friend instead and running things past her. May be it's worth asking him to listen to you brpoperly for an hour and book the time with him? Just an idea.

Stick with the CBT
It will empower u,
You cant change him, but u can change you,
For e.g. If he is crap at listening,
That may trigger in you thoughts of
He doesnt care about me, im not worth caring about, im worthless .....
With cbt it easier to realise
He doesnt have great listening skills, that doesnt mean im not worth listening to, so i will,right things down, talk to someone I know who is good at listening... Do something that makes me feel good about myself ....Whatever.
However supportive or not, he is, you will be given CBT techniques to practice in between sessions, and that is the key, not what he is doing,
Best of luck x

DH. I am feeling x. I have been feeling it for several years. I don't feel supported by you. It would really help me if you could do y because it makes me feel z.

You have to tell him exactly what you need because he doesn't know, and he doesn't know how to deal with it. Are you getting any counselling together?

Some people can't handle other's stress/ problems. It's not that they don't care it is just that it frightens them and they can't see a way to making it any better so they avoid talking about it completely.
Or, he could just be being a selfish arse.

Your DH is not your psychotherapist. While it would be fantastic if he were able to help you overcome your depression, it does not make him a bad husband if he isn't equipped to do so.

Being a mother to two children while your husband is away working can be horribly lonely and boring. You probably need an activity in your life where you are engaged with adults in something with purpose.

It often strikes me as odd that there is Al-Anon for the families of alcoholics and addicts but not something for the families of the depressed. Or at least not one that gets mentioned on threads like this.

I agree that OPs husband probably needs the support he needs to give spelling out to him but going by the passive aggressive text the OP isn't capable of making herself clear. She needs to recognise the fact that he is still around IS giving support in many people's eyes. Perhaps a session with Relate could help them each understand where the other is coming from.

I've gone through it myself and I would have appreciated the normality your husband is offering.
I hated it because it was the complete opposite. I was treated like an invalid and everyone treated me different because shock I WAS DEPRESSED.
I know they were only trying to do their best, but I would have preferred life to have gone on and me deal with it with the help of medication and counselling.

You need to realise although it's an horrific time for you, it's also hard for people to deal with too. You cant say 'how the hell am I going to get out of it without DH'. You can't burden him with it, you have to find your own way out because you simply HAVE to.

I wish you the best of luck I really do, but please try to understand that it probably kills him seeing you like that but he doesn't know what to do so buries his head.