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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be disappointed that my boss hasn't expressed any sympathy?

12 replies

maybeoverreacting · 25/05/2012 20:02

I'll call him S. Technically S isn't my line manager, although he was when I first joined the company a number of years ago. An extra layer of management was slotted inbetween us a year or so ago. I'll call my line manager N. We are a small team.

My mother passed away on Sunday afternoon. I called N on his mobile later that day and he was lovely. Told me to take what time I needed and suggested a week. We exchanged emails a couple of days later and agreed that I would go back to work today and take the fifth day for the funeral.

N popped round to my desk within about five minutes of getting in. Chatted for a few minutes, made sure I was ok and to say (again) how sorry he was.

S, however, hasn't said anything about it at all. Saw him a couple of times in passing and also spent lunchtime at the pub with the rest of the team. Not even a token 'are you ok'. AIBU to think this is odd? I'm a little hurt actually. I know it's not easy and can be a bit awkward sometimes as you don't want to cause any upset, but ignoring it completely?? Shouldn't a senior manager sometimes just bite the bullet and do difficult/awkward things?

I may be overreacting, it was a harder day than I'd envisaged. So I thought I'd ask the mn jury, so I can stop dwelling on it if I am.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 25/05/2012 20:06

I'm so sorry about your mum.

Some people can find it difficult to say something after someone has died, it's possible if he's lost someone close to him he's finding it doubly hard to find the words?

If there's any time when you're OK to overreact though it's now.

Be kind to yourself, is there anyone at home who can give you a bit of TLC?

WhiteWidow · 25/05/2012 20:08

Sorry for your loss

But to be honest I'd be thinking more about my mother, rather than whether an uncaring tosspot hadn't given me sympathy.

york67 · 25/05/2012 20:11

I can understand why you are feeling like this and sorry for your loss.

Cassettetapeandpencil · 25/05/2012 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jinsei · 25/05/2012 20:14

YADNBU! I'm a line manager and second/third line manager, and I cannot imagine not saying anything if a member of my team lost someone so close. Feeling awkward is no excuse, it's just about basic human compassion.

I'm not surprised that you find it strange.

GnomeDePlume · 25/05/2012 20:15

First of all I am sorry for your loss.

Your line manager (N) did exactly the right thing. For the other manager, well, not everyone knows what to say and are fearful of saying the wrong thing so say nothing.

Losing a parent is hard I know. There are a lot of feelings involved which are quite confused. Sometimes pushing some of them out onto a third party makes them easier to deal with.

You arent being unreasonable to feel what you feel just dont say anything to S.

bobbledunk · 25/05/2012 20:17

He probably doesn't want to upset you by going on and on about it.

maybeoverreacting · 25/05/2012 20:27

Thanks for the replies. I definitely won't be saying anything to him, I should have said that in the op. I'm more of your dwell on it and let it fester type!

I'm pretty certain it is just awkwardness on his part, I just think he should have gotten over that really. I'll see what happens on Monday but try to let it go.

There's a big bar of galaxy in the fridge - would that qualify as tlc Agent Grin

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 25/05/2012 20:40

I'm very sorry for your loss.

YANBU, but I do think it's more often than not a case of people just not knowing what to say, and rather than risking a fuck-up (ie saying the wrong thing), they say nothing.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 25/05/2012 20:51

I'm sorry for the loss of your Mum.

I dont think there is any right or wrong here. He might think that as you are at work you just want to get on with things and take your mind of it until you go home. I don't think he's doing anything wrong, even though it's wrong for you, the same lack of action would be right for someone else. When my Dad died I got fed up of people saying they were sorry, it was nice of them to say it, but I didn't like having to have the polite but awkward conversation that had to come after it.

OhNoMyFanjo · 25/05/2012 20:57

I'm so sorry about your mum.

I'm sure it's not malicious some ripple just don't know what to do/say for the best.

ivykaty44 · 25/05/2012 20:57

soory for your loss

Some people are uncomfortable with dealing with death and whilst wrapped up in their own uncomfort they don't realise the hurt they cause Sad

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