...to feel disappointed?

[SoozyWoozy]

Ok, going to try to give a bit of background info so I don't drip feed.

I am 32w pregnant with baby #4. I had a baby shower type thing with #1 (but was very important to me that it wasn't a shower as such, as I hate inviting people to a party with the expectation that they bring a gift).

When my Best Friend was pregnant both times, I organised a baby shower for the first and for her second an at home pamper evening. I did all of the inviting, cooked the food for nibbles, sorted the beautician so that she didn't have to do any of it and could concentrate on just having a lovely time.

So, I mentioned a few weeks ago that I'd really love a girls day out, lunch and maybe a treatment but nothing expensive - we're all mums now and thought we all deserved a day off. BF (best friend, not boyfriend!) thought it was a good idea, nothing more said. I mentioned to her the other day about getting it sorted for our girls day out and she seemed really disinterested. The answer was yes, thats a good idea, but I can only spare one afternoon.

A couple of other friends and SIL also wanted to come along. I've spent the morning trying to organise a mutually agreeable date, but as per usual its not easy as we all have different commitments. That bit is understandable, but I've got so fed up with it already I've given up and just sent everyone a text saying it would seem that everyone is too busy so I'm just going to leave it.

AIBU to feel a bit disappointed that my BF is happy for me to organise nice occasions for her, but when the roles are reversed there's nothing given back? I was really looking forward to having some time with the girls as 'the girls' and not as mums with children / toddlers running around. Or am I just being selfish? I can't decide how I should feel - and I'm ready to be told IABU but please be gentle!!!!

I feel a bit like saying sod you all, and booking a nice treatment all by myself. But if I'm honest it wouldn't be the same and not as enjoyable.

YDANBU!!! I would feel disappointed with my BF too.

Unfortunately in the world there are givers and takers. You are a giver (a great friend) and BF a taker.

Book the treatment for yourself. Tell the others when you are having it and let them book their own. Who knows the might just surprise you.

With no4 on the way, you deserve a treat!

You can't help how you feel...

Welllllll. It was really nice of you to organise a baby shower/pamper thing for her, but she didn't ask you to. You did it freely. It must have given you a lot of pleasure to do that for her, too.

It's obviously not the sort of thing any of your friends think of. I think if you want it to be reciprocated you're simply going to have to say "look, I organised this for you, so I'd like you to do it for me". Only, of course, you can't.

You're either going to have to live with it, or get new friends.

YANBU for feeling disappointed, but YABU for expecting her/them to do anything. 4 pg? It won't seem like anything special to other people, I'm afraid.

.....could she possibly be arranging a surprise? Maybe? Just a thought.......I know if it was me I would feel disappointed and then something great would happen and then I'd feel guilty for having felt so negatively. Totally understand why you would feel disappointed though. Maybe bring the subject up with other friends and if they're enthusiastic they might either a) take on the organisation of it or b) at least agree they would love to do something with you

Aww, course its special, its a new baby, regardless of birth order! :)

To be honest, some people are really good at organising things like that and other people aren't that confident about it at all. It generally isn't about how much they care about your friendship, its just that they have never been the 'organiser' IYSWIM?

Add to that the fact that now you all have children its much more difficult to organise a mums-only thing because of childcare etc.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be disappointed that you don't seem to have been able to get people together, and that others didn't think to organise it for you.

But there is less of a 'right of passage' after you are already a mum, and its tricky to organise child-free time for a group of mums. Couldn't you do something with the children - or something where the kids will be entertained by an activity/another person so that you can spend time with your friends?

My sister had her baby shower for her first at my mum's house, her friends with young children brought them along, and there was kid friendly nibbles and games.

I doubt I'll have one as I just have a couple of close friends (who don't have children) and my siblings who would come.

I'm not saying this is your situation but I have a friend who makes a big fuss about things like this. She organises things for people which I'm not that bothered about TBH then gets really offended when we don't do the same. She was annoyed at her bridesmaids, annoyed at me, annoyed at her sister and so on. I don't want to have flipping cookie exchanges and BBQs all the time and certainly can't be arsed to reciprocate.

I organised a baby shower for my bf, well I say I, it was of and one of her other friends, we were both bridesmaids, we did it as a surprise for her, (her mum and DH were in on it) we decorated the house, did games, got food as well as her work colleagues, when we didn't really know them, all at my house, DH took my DC's out for the day, when she got there she shouted and screamed at us in the street

Sorry on my phone and posted before I finished!

So she was screaming and shouting at us in the street calling us every name under the sun and refused to enjoy it, everything we did was a waste of time.

She clearly does not see the point of this sort of fuss and nonsense, maybe your bf is the same?

that sounds horrible princesslovelyboo was your friend perhaps a bit overwhelmed by the attention and wasn't expecting it?

I think it's a really difficult one tbh, on the one hand I really enjoyed all 3 of my baby showers, but I think that's because I arranged the dates, and delegated to people when they asked if they could help.

If it had been "sprung" on me when i wasn't expecting it, I may not have been so happy - but I say that because I know what my hormones are like when I'm pg, and sometimes I've just felt like cocooning myself and seeing no-one

OP I don't think YABU to feel disappointed and a bit miffed, but like a few others have said - you organised hers out of the goodness of your heart, and if you wanted that to be reciprocated, then you needed to make that clear a good while ago.

I don't agree with the 4th baby not being special though, ALL babies are special

Of course every baby is special. I just meant that a lot of people will think it's the 4th and therefore you're an old hand etc. meant to be suggesting that your friends may see it like that. (My mum would have been like that if I'd had a second baby!)

I agree with jux. Every baby is special, however people get less excited and make less fuss when you get to 2 plus. Imo if you choose to do something for someone to be kind, that's it. You can expect them to automatically do the same. That would look like you only did it as you wanted the same back. Yanbi to be miffed, but yabu to expect people to think the same things you do. Yabu, as well, for getting pissed off because people can't all make the same day or only an afternoon. She has commitments, tbh I struggle to get a couple of hours to pop out by myself, never mind a day.

Thank you everyone for your opinions. Its good to hear a variety of responses.

After I'd texted everyone to say sorry, going to leave the plans, BF texted back asking why it couldn't be just me and her going. I was at another friend's at the time and had been chatting about what a shame we weren't all free on the same day. I said that BF had mentioned it being just the 2 of us - other friend wondered if this is actually the issue that maybe BF doesn't want a shared day? She also suggested, like pezzer that maybe a surprise is being organised. I'm not sure.

BF has organised parties and things before, my hen night was a cracker :) But IAprobablyBU expecting the same back for the baby showers, and I shouldn't be putting my expectations on her. I thought the hints I'd dropped were strong enough, obviously not ;) It does seem strange that she's been so excited about my pregnancy and having another member of the family; and BF knows this is my last pregnancy so a good excuse for a get together.

Just to clarify, I'm not pissed off that I can't get everyone together - disappointed, naturally, that we're not all free on the same day. I'm a SAHM in the week and work all day Saturday & Sunday and need a day off from the world, which is why I'd wanted it to be a child-free day.

Ah well, maybe I'll just treat myself to a lovely pedicure and a Becks Blue :o

My cousin had a similar situation, she was complaining to me about her sister ( whois totally disorganized) and how she left it too late to plan anything and no one would be able come and she was really upset. She is the master planner and expects everyone else to be the same.
Little did she know the shower was planned for the day after her rant. we all had a good laugh at her ( but I am Canadian and showers are very much the norm) at least she could see the funny side!