To not have the mental energy to help support all 3 of my friends with their mental health problems

[ImHurting]

I know I am BU as they are my friends and I want to be there to help them. I am struggling with my own depression, OCD, Anxiety and feeling like I would like to die on a daily basis.

I thought I was better after my counselling and CBT last year. I have told them that I am struggling myself and only one of my 3 friends has given me any support at all. Just being there to chat and sound off to IYSWIM has really helped me. Worse is the friend that does listen to me is in a seriously bad way herself and I don't like to put on her at all so tend to downplay how I am feeling. I don't want to go into specifics as I don't want to be recognised. None of my 3 friends know each other.

The other 2 just talk at me all the time. I understand they are in a bad way but there is only so much of me to go round.

I want to help them, I really do, I just need my energy to get from hour to hour at the moment.

What can I do, I feel like a terrible friend.

In first aid classes, the first thing they tell you is to look after your own safety first. You can't pull somebody out of a frozen lake if you fall in yourself! Don't feel guilt. You have to ration your energies.

Thank you, I have been referred back to counselling again so just waiting for an appointment with them.

You have to look after yourself. After all, who's going to pick you up when you fall? From the sounds of it your friends are so caught up in their own problems that they don't actually realise you're struggling too.

I think you have to cut some of the more draining and less supportive friends out. I have had to do this in the past... said friend had lots of support anyway and was very draining and it was walking on eggshells with her never knowing when she would blow'. I had to put myself first for once as I needed no stress myself.

This from Crispy rings so true...From the sounds of it your friends are so caught up in their own problems that they don't actually realise you're struggling to. My friend was so engrossed with her own problem that she didnt realise that people around her were being supportive while putting their own feelings on a back burner

As someone who suffers from depression, I can see how hard it is for the people around me - and how draining and exhausting it is to support someone with depression, and so I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

Your friends who have ignored the fact that you need support too, are either too wrapped up in themselves to notice (which is not good) or are just being selfish. Either way you have a right and a responsibility to put your needs and health first.

Thank you ladies, I am at the point of really cutting down contact with one of my friends in particular as I really cannot deal with her neediness and drama. She has a huge amount of support from her family, I do not (mostly my own fault as I struggle to talk to them about it)

We all have limits. It does not make you a bad person, only human.

you need to look after yourself first. your friends should try to get professional help tbh instead of heaping it on you.

I wish you all the best. atm my own MH issues are in remission and I dread it will ever come back.

Agree with the others. You need to look after you.

I really feel for you OP. I only suffer with anxiety and I find that bad enough! I'm getting through it well now but I would feel exactly the same as you although I do try sometimes I just need to say 'Im so sorry that you are struggling', give them a hug and then change the subject to the weather...

TheJoyfulPuddlejumper that sounds awful, I'm so sorry that you went through that
I haven't thought about how I will do it. I would still like to remain friendly with this particular person and really would hate to be the cause of more upset and grief for her. She text this morning then phoned me to talk, which in itself is fine with me, I listen and empathise with her, then she asks me what she should do. She has done this time and again with me and I have given up answering her. I say that she should talk to her GP who would be able to refer her and maybe even give her some medication to help her. She never does that, I ahve offered to go with her for support and even to call and make the appointment for her, all offers are rebuffed so I no longer offer

I cant cope with the going round in circles with her, at least my other (much closer friends) are doing something about their mental health problems.

I know how hard it is to ask for help, I have had to do it three times for myself now and it doesn't get easier the more I have done it. I had no one who would come with me, I had no one offer and when I asked they were all busy
I cant talk easily about this to my family (mum and dad) as they don't believe in MH difficulties DH is a 'fixer' and tries to help but I can see he is frustrated, in the fact that I could not stay better the first time around. I know that sounds awful of DH but he really is a very black and white person and I know he would support me if I told him about this latest bout of depression but I don't want to let him down.

I am going to have to talk to her aren't I, I doubt very much that she will 'hear' me IYSWIM. I just don't know what to do.

You didn't make me feel bad, don't worry
I just don't want to make things even worse for my friend by cutting down contact with her. I would like to not have to but she seems determined to play the 'woe is me card' without wanting to take advice despite asking for it. The constant going round in circles drives me crazy, I have enough circles of my own to navigate

I think I will employ the sympathy/empathy stance then change the subject as Kayano suggested.

Thank you all for listening to me ramble, it is much appreciated

Supporting a friend can be getting together for a chat once a week or it can be constant txts and phone calls.
First option is fine, second would wear anyone down. And as you say, OP, your advice is never taken. I would tell friend you will meet up once a week but that you aren't using your phone while you concentrate on sorting your own problems.

I am in a similar situation. I have a friend who constantly tells me her troubles, even though I have some of my own. If I try to tell her what is happening to us she switches the topic back to herself and tells me the same thing again and again. I feel guilty because I can't cope with her, especially as she has fairly low mental ability (went to special school) and finds life harder than most anyway.
I have reluctantly come to the conclusion that as I can't actually help her I will limit the time I spend with her. I feel guilty, but the First Aid analogy is a really good one.
I read an article once that said that friendship implies some degree of reciprocity. If a relationship is totally one-sided, ie one person giving support, the other taking it, it isn't really friendship at all.
So, OP, set boundaries. You choose when and if you give this friend time, and only do so if you feel up to it. She is resonsilble for her own life so you do not need to feel guilty about withdrawing support.
And now I'll try to take my own advice!