Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my friend? Sorry long

28 replies

shouldIbecrossaboutthis · 23/05/2012 19:30

I will try not to rant, here are the facts.

I have 2 girl friends P & M. They are very friendly with each other and see each other regularly. I'm more friendly with P, see her daily-ish & see M fortnightly.

M has a boyfriend of several years called B.

7 months ago friend P kissed boy B. B and P both confirm that it was only kissing, but they did share a bed. They also shared a bed a few months later, but apparently didn't even kiss.

Friend M does not know about the bed sharing or kissing and in those 7 months friend P has continued to be just as friendly with M.

Fast forward to now and I now know about the kissing. I am very cross with P and B for putting me in this position as I feel M should know. It's also likely lots of other mutual friends know, so M is bound to find out IMO. They obviously don't want to tell her as it was 7 months ago, 'meant nothing' etc.

At the very least I feel friend P should stop being so friendly with friend M and I feel it's adding insult to injury. Friend P says, "I don't think it's bad to be her friend and it's not taking the piss out of her." she would also "like to pretend like nothing happened and move on - as [she has] done for 7 months."

AIBU in thinking it is shit:
1)of both P and B to even be kissing
2)for friend P to continue to be nicey nicey to M.

btw we're all 28ish, no children involved and friend P has kissed other boys when out who have GFs

OP posts:
Ithinkitsjustme · 23/05/2012 19:33

Honestly, I don't think YABU to think they should have said something 7 months ago, but my advice is to stay out of it. I would however make it clear that if you got wind of any new developments you won't be keeping quiet.

Mytwopenniesworth · 23/05/2012 19:35

Yes it is shit. Most unfair to have put you in this position too.

How did you find out? did she tell you?

ImBetterThanYou · 23/05/2012 19:39

YANBU but you should stay out of it, you're not the only one who knows so it will come out sooner or later.

squeakytoy · 23/05/2012 19:41

28 is not a boy btw...

picnicbasketcase · 23/05/2012 19:42

That is awkward. When it does eventually all come out, you're either ging to have to tell M you already knew and didn't say anything, or pretend to be shocked. At the same time though, it's not your responsibility to tell her, either P or B should do it.

Original poster
shouldIbecrossaboutthis · 23/05/2012 19:45

Ithinkitsjustme - I really want to keep out of it and at this late stage I feel it's horrible for friend M to find out. But the thought of sitting in the middle of them @ dinner and listening to P give advice to M on her relationship with B (as happened a few weeks back) makes me so cross!

Mytwopenniesworth - a mutual friend told me he thought something had happened so I asked her and she told me. Wish I hadn't asked now!! I thought they had slept together. In which case I would definitely be telling M.

ImBetterThanYou - when it does come out friend M is going to be so gutted i didn't tell her? Or at least keep P away from her? Surely?

squeakytoy - I think I used the word boy as a freudian slip as I really can't believe my friend is so silly to be still doing this!

OP posts:
JustFab · 23/05/2012 19:46

I would stop seeing P and B.

AKMD · 23/05/2012 19:52

I would tell M. I would expect it to be the end of the friendship if she found out that I had known and not said anything, and I'm not a good enough liar to pretend I didn't know when she does find out, which she will. Also, she's 28 and if she's been with B for several years then she probably has high hopes for the future. I wouldn't want a friend to unknowingly marry/have children with a dishonest cheat.

"It didn't mean anything" Angry It means that both P and B are disloyal, dishonest and immature.

I can't be the only one who thinks that sharing a bed means that it didn't stop with a few kisses either.

DublinMammy · 23/05/2012 19:57

I would tell nasty disloyal bitch P that she has x amount of time to tell M or else you are going to do it. Horrible position to be in but if M finds out you knew then she will be pissed off with you for not telling her.

Original poster
shouldIbecrossaboutthis · 23/05/2012 19:58

Thanks AKMD, when/if M find out I wont be lying to her, I will have to tell her I knew as I hate liars and couldn't live with myself.

I don't know if this constitutes drip feeding but B and M broke up a few weeks ago as M found out he kissed someone else. They are getting back together (I think, I don't want to get too involved) on the basis it was just 1 kiss with this most recent girl.

Like you say I think friend M does have hopes for the future when clearly B is a twat!

OP posts:
AKMD · 23/05/2012 20:01

I would have to tell her, sorry. B certainly won't and it doesn't seem like P will either. I would not be able to let my friend be used and deceived in this way and throw years of her life away on someone I knew was a scumbag.

JustFab · 23/05/2012 20:04

On that latest bit of info you need to tell her ASAP while she is still separated from him.

Original poster
shouldIbecrossaboutthis · 23/05/2012 20:13

fucking fuckers! Why do people do this, it's so bloody pathetic!! ARRGHH, I'm so cross with them both right now and poor M Sad.

OP posts:
ImBetterThanYou · 23/05/2012 20:18

That is a good point, if this happened to me I'd feel awful that others knew and didn't tell me. Could you speak to the tramp friend and tell her to come clean or you'll break the bad news?

ENormaSnob · 23/05/2012 20:21

I would tell her.

And I would have no interest in maintaining a friendship with p.

DialsMavis · 23/05/2012 20:24

I have never forgiven the mutual friends who didn't tell me my ex best friend slept with exP. They did have sex though and we did have a baby. But, I have caught another 2 friends kissing and not told their partners, just distanced myself from them.

The right thing to do is to tell, especially as. It gives M a chance to know the facts before she gets back with him. But, don't be surprised if you end up the shit stirring bad guy and lose all of their friendships Sad

mynewpassion · 23/05/2012 20:32

I would tell. I would want to know and I could not knowingly allow a friend to keep dating a man who was kissing other women. I would be prepare to lose friendship over it because while friend might be mad at me now, she might forgive me later when she discovers how her boyfriend and we can become friends again. And if the the other woman was another friend, I would distance myself from her. If she can kiss another friend's boyfriend, what's stopping her from doing it with mine?

Buckingfiatch · 23/05/2012 20:44

I wouldn't trust P at all. I wouldn't want to have her in my life if she could be so devious and a heartless bitch behind another friends back.

I would also give her a choice, she tells M or if she hasn't by the time you next see her, you will tell her.

Original poster
shouldIbecrossaboutthis · 23/05/2012 20:51

I told P to tell M, she says there is no point as it was so long ago :/

OP posts:
AKMD · 23/05/2012 20:55

Some people really are shameless. Will you tell M?

AKMD · 23/05/2012 20:56

7 months is not a long time Hmm

Glitterkitten24 · 23/05/2012 20:56

YANBU it's a shit position to be in but it's their business, I wouldn't get involved if I were you. I know M is your friend but she might not thank you for telling her and you could end up in a situation where you are the bad guy.

If it was an ongoing affair I might feel differently but as is, fume about it privately but don't interfere.

mynewpassion · 23/05/2012 20:59

You should tell M. It was so long ago but she's being a two-faced friend then and now. The hypocrisy of P is staggering. She kissed the boyfriend too and now giving advice? If she can stab another friend in the back, its a matter of time before she stabs you in the back.

Original poster
shouldIbecrossaboutthis · 23/05/2012 21:53

I'm not scared about telling M, as in I'm not scared of the fallout I would face & I do feel it's the right thing to do.

The thing that is making me uncertain is that it happened 7 months ago, so I'm not sure if that means it's done and dusted IYKWIM, from M's perspective; she has not known for all this time maybe she wont ever know? Although I fear she will find out eventually.

I just worry I'm hurting her more than she needs to be hurt I guess, for the sake or living by my own moral code and making myself feel better? But then I also worry she's making decisions now based on what she knows that will affect the fore-sable future!

Really I'm just very angry with P and want to be sure I'm not taking out my anger with her on M. Like do I only feel telling M is thr right thing to do as it means P can no longer go on being 2 faced or do I want to tell M as I think it's in her best interests? [sad[

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 23/05/2012 22:22

It should be told because its in M's best interest. It trumps P's two-faceness. You know how she reacted when she found out her bf was snogging another woman. She broke up their relationship. I know its tough but sometimes, doing the right thing is the worst thing in the world. People are going to get hurt. This news might be the end of their relationship and the end of your friendship as well as the end of her and P's friendship.

Please update us later of the outcome regardless if you tell or not.