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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

More Non Family Orientated Hobbies - Am I BU?

25 replies

QueenSconetta · 23/05/2012 13:08

I am beginning to wonder if I am actually BU about this.

A bit of background to try and not drip feed. I work full time, and hours commute away, and DP works shifts, which include backshifts and nightshifts and a lot of weekends. He does quite a lot of overtime, mainly because he likes the money. Our standard outgoings are covered by our basic salaries, so any OT he does is a bonus, and it is usually things for himself which are bought with this.

He plays football at least twice a week (sometimes 3 times), Wednesday night, Saturday Morning and Sunday tea time, which he is away for 2.5 hours for, plays golf as often as he can when the weather permits, is taking up canoeing and has just bought 2 canoes.

Then today he text me to ask if he can buy 2 seater sports car. (We had one before we had DD, and we really enjoyed going for trips in it, but now we need 3 seats not 2).

Our DD is 2.5, so there are 3 of us not 2, therefore we wouldn't all fit in a 2 seater sports car.

AIBU to feel a bit like he is taking the piss wanting to start yet another hobby which reduces the already extremely small amount of family time we have together?

I do 95% of the childcare (prob 80%single handed), 99% of dropping her off/collecting her from childcare whe n I am working, and 100% of sorting out what she needs each day etc.

OP posts:

samandi · 23/05/2012 13:14

It doesn't sound as though you are being unreasonable to me, no. I'm all in favour of people continuing to have separate hobbies in a partnership/family, but they shouldn't be shirking their responsibilities to do so. If he is doing O/T to pay for his hobbies while you are doing all the childcare that strikes me as unfair. Do you have time for your own hobbies?

halcyondays · 23/05/2012 13:17

Yanbu, when do you get time for your own hobbies?

Ithinkitsjustme · 23/05/2012 13:17

Tell him he can buy the sports car as long as you are on the insurance and can use it for ferrying DD around!
Doesn't sound likeyou are being unreasonable, but at least he asked you before buying it, so sit down and have a chat with him about your concerns and grievances. You've got the ideal launchpad.

WenTheEternallySurprised · 23/05/2012 13:19

Honestly, I think that there are several issues here which need unravelling and dealing with seperately.

The childcare - is this because he can't do much caring for your DD owing to his shifts or that he simply doesn't?

You - do you have any hobbies/outlets away from home, work and child (and if not why the bloody hell not woman?!).

The car - I'm amazed that he asked you if he could buy a car out of money that he's accrued after the bills have been paid, by doing overtime.

Do you have time/childcare to enjoy the car together? Would you get to drive it solo and have a bit of fun? Is it a sports car worth having?

As an aside, when DH was married to his first wife their only child practically begged him to buy a 911 so that she and her dad could go off out in it without her mother!

Serioulsy, maybe you really need to seperate these issues and view them independently, dealing with each in turn.

Original poster

QueenSconetta · 23/05/2012 13:47

My hobby was amateur dramatics, which is very time consuming so I haven't gone back since having DD. Other than that I have friends over about once a month, and we go out a couple of times a year but that's all really. I find I am so exhausted after work/childcare I can't really be bothered to do much else!

It's a bit of both regarding whether he can't or doesn't help with Childcare. Most things tend to be left to me even when he is there, e.g. he will go off and do that man thing of sitting on the loo for half an hour with a magazine. Also he will often come in from an early and be at home but collecting DD will still be left from me to do when I come off the train.

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 23/05/2012 13:53

This man is taking the piss. You should be getting the same amount of childfree, chorefree time as he gets, otherwise you are his servant.
You need to put your foot down here: you work full time therefore he can't do the 'But I am the income earner therefore I am your owner' bullshit. Even if he earns more than you, he is not the only person in the family entitled to leisure activities.
Think of something else you would like to do (I appreciate that amateur dramatics is difficult when you have small DC), perhaps an evening class? A weekly cinema trip with friends? And don't ask him if you can do it, tell him that on whichever evening a week it is, he will be taking care of DD because you are going out.

FunnysInLaJardin · 23/05/2012 13:55

we sold our 2 seater when DS1 was about 2.5, so he is certainly BU about that. Why buy a car you can't all fit into? Unless of course it was for you and DD

Callisto · 23/05/2012 14:00

So he works all the overtime he can, plays football three times a week, golf whenever he can and is taking up canoeing. Does he spend any time at all with his daughter and wife? Jesus, why are you putting up with this shit?

TheProvincialLady · 23/05/2012 14:07

Working extra hours just so he can spend the money on himself...while you do all the childcare? Just for that alone, I would kick his sorry immature arse.

JingleBellBaby · 23/05/2012 14:09

I'd bill him for the childcare TheProvincialLady. At at a far higher rate than a childminder/nursery. Maybe half his OT money?

Original poster

QueenSconetta · 23/05/2012 14:13

Well I'm not Callisto, but was wondering if I was being harsh because I am naturally a very accomodating person.

The OT I have less of a prob with as you have to take it when you can get it, but U think the hobbies are getting out of hand.

OP posts:

RubyFakeNails · 23/05/2012 14:14

YANBU. I'd tell him wait 10 years, when DD won't be interested in spending as much time with you and having a 2 seater makes sense.

Its surely selfish and excludes you and your DD from him. As I doubt she's about to start canoeing, golf or joining him at football I'd be saying it needs to be a family activity.

Also isn't a new car a large expense, are there other things more important to the family that the money could be spent on? Won't your DD be wanting things like a bike soon, perhaps you could all buy bikes and go cycling together.

Putting aside his hobbies possibly having a detrimental effect on your hobbies if thats something your ok with, I would still be quite irritated by this. But maybe he doesn't realise how time consuming his activities are. I'd probably draw up a chart to show him.

Original poster

QueenSconetta · 23/05/2012 14:15

I mean I think, not U.

OP posts:

JosieZ · 23/05/2012 14:16

Sounds like tedious childcare and housework are not for him. He is being v selfish.

But you need to decide what you want before your heart to heart talk with him. If all you want to do is collapse in front of the tele it's pointless insisting he stays home more. He might be keen to do more stuff with DD when she is older eg sports, so might compensate for lack of time now.

Perhaps his extra money would pay for a cleaner so you aren't being left with it all. But make up your mind what you want first, rather than just complain.

Original poster

QueenSconetta · 23/05/2012 14:17

A chart is a good idea :)

OP posts:

Callisto · 23/05/2012 14:18

Overtime is fine, and in this climate you definitely take it when you can get it. But it should benefit all of you, not just him. And all the overtime should mean he is doing less stuff away from his family not more. He should want to spend time with you both as a family but from what you have written he appears to be trying to spend as little time as possible with you.

solidgoldbrass · 23/05/2012 18:05

Honestly OP, you really need to insist on some time to pursue a hobby of your own. Even if it's just sitting round your mate's house drinking gin. This man has got to have it firmly impressed on him that you are a person and you are entitled to fun and some time to yourself while he does some housework and childcare.

deste · 23/05/2012 18:10

Ask him if the car is instead of the canoes,
because that would be fine.

sharklet · 23/05/2012 18:17

My cousin deals with this too, and from what i can see she is miserable and irritated most of the time. Her DH works long hours, then plays serious competition tennis, squash, golf and has just been studying for the bar so lots of study sessions. She is almost always on her own with 2 kids under 3. It is almost always just her and the kids who come around to see us (it is actually her DH who is the blood relation) but we just can't see her all alone and we are her only family within 2000 miles.

She blames herself that she let it all happen and she doesn't know how to claw back something for herself. If you are feeling this now - do something about it - otherwise you and up like our cousin and I for one would not want to be in her shoes. ..

NeedlesCuties · 23/05/2012 18:54

YA100%NBU!

He sounds like a big child and he seriously needs to have a word in his ear.

tholeon · 23/05/2012 18:57

Are you me? Or shark am I your cousin?? Have a thread on a similar issue going, asking my if expectations of dh are too high. I think any money he has earnt doing overtime while you are looking after his daughter should be seen as joint income and you should both agree what to spend it on. And you should both have equal amounts of time 'off' from paid, house and child related work. That is the theory anyway. Now just need to work on my own situation..

AThingInYourLife · 23/05/2012 19:12

YANBU

solid is right - the balance in your relationship is all wrong.

He is living his life entirely to suit himself while you bend yourself out if shape to allow him to do it.

Why the fuck do you have to go and pick your DD up from childcare after work if he is at home to do it?

Why do you let him spend so much of your family money on himself?

He's treating you and your daughter as afterthoughts.

Don't settle for that. For either of you.

sharklet · 23/05/2012 19:16

tholeon only if you live in Las Vegas

I often feel guilty for imposing the exact opposite on DH. My ex was a useless f**r and made me miserable - DH is younger than I and I'll admit I have laid down the law of what I will and will not accept (I am awful!!) DH does do his own stuff though but in moderation. He too see's the cruelty of what is happening to our cousin...

Original poster

QueenSconetta · 23/05/2012 20:51

Maybe he has been reading this as he just made my tea while I sat drinking wine!

Although that might be because I had a go at him about calling me outside to get DD in, so he could tidy up his car cleaning (I mean man cleaning, not because it needed to be done), then he proceeded to keep playing with her! When he could have brought her in himself!

Baby steps I guess

OP posts:

fridakahlo · 23/05/2012 20:57

The toilet vanishing act can work for both sexes, it's even better if you have an ipad or equivalent.
In your shoes, I would not hesitate to use it.

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