Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

birthday presents and cards

23 replies

dreamingofsun · 23/05/2012 09:39

is it reasonable to expect your brother to give a card and small present on his nieces birthdays, or is acceptable to say I'm buying a new conservatory so they won't be getting anything this year? This has also happened to my husband recently - he had a significant birthday and one LT friend gave a £5 present as they're broke having spent all their cash on themselves (again expensive non-essential things that are always top of the range).

I sort of feel that you shouldn't totally prioritise your own spending so much and that they should think of others as well as themselves. Or am I being selfish and unreasonable?

OP posts:

Sirzy · 23/05/2012 09:43

As an adult I wouldn't expect any presents off anyone and would be grateful for anything I was given.

Where children are involved it would be nice to give a token gift but I wouldn't get to upset if nothing came.

Original poster

dreamingofsun · 23/05/2012 09:46

so you wouldn't feel a bit miffed that you managed your outgoings adequately so could buy a decent gift for someone, but because they spent loads of money on themselves its OK to give nothing or very little?

OP posts:

Sirzy · 23/05/2012 09:48

No it's their money to spend as they please

FredFredGeorge · 23/05/2012 09:48

Yes, giving presents is entirely down to the giver, giving adult friends gifts seems odd to me, I'd be more surprised to get one than not.

It would be nice to give a niece a present, but it would really depend on the relationship between them.

There should never be an expectation of presents. So yep YABU.

imawigglyworm · 23/05/2012 09:53

IMO the cost of a gift isn't relevant if someone pit thought into it that's more important. And agree adults shouldn't expect gifts but for a child i would make a point & you can pick up decent cheap toy/ arts& crafts etc as gifts so no excuse really. But as it says above depends on the relationship with that child.
I would never EXPECT someone to buy for myself or DC.

Original poster

dreamingofsun · 23/05/2012 09:56

the adults' was significant birthday. I'm starting to think though, why should I continue to buy presents/cards for these people if they can't do the same for my family (because they've spend all their money on themselves and are broke)? Or is that still YABU?

OP posts:

MrsMangoBiscuit · 23/05/2012 10:05

Although I agree on the whole with what posters have said about not expecting presents, I do think that there's a different dynamic to it when it's family. My DH has quite a large family, so there's lots of children to buy for. There was a rough agreement a few years ago that all the children would get presents at birthdays, usually around £10-15 but a max of £20. That way we all know where we are and what to budget for. I do think it's a bit off for people to happily accept presents, with no intention of returning the gesture, without any warning. We don't buy a lot of birthday presents for DD, as I said, big family, but over the year we do buy a lot of presents for everyone else. If we all decided not to do presents, I wouldn't mind, I would just use the present budget on DD's birthday. If no one else gave her any without warning, I would be a bit miffed, right or not.

nagynolonger · 23/05/2012 10:15

I wouldn't ever expect a present for an adult. Simple if you normally buy a gift for this person don't bother in future.
I think your DB is being a bit mean. My DB never bought for nephew/nieces BD until he had his own family. To be fair he was very generous at Christmas though. For him it was he simply couldn't remember the dates even when other relatives reminded him.

FredFredGeorge · 23/05/2012 10:22

dreamingofsun I don't get your motivation for buying presents, if you do it because you enjoy doing it, carry on doing it. If you're doing it for any other reason, then I'd probably stop - or at least ask yourself why you're doing it!

redexpat · 23/05/2012 10:23

YANBU. I don't think it's the receiving no gift that upsets you, it's the lack of thought. But sadly not everyone thinks about other people.

I usually give people a year's grace. So if they forget one year, it's ok, but 2 years is not. then I stop reciprocating.

Original poster

dreamingofsun · 23/05/2012 10:32

redex - thats right. my brother knew when their birthdays were he just couldn't find the time or money to buy a card or small present because his conservatory was more important. if it concerned another adult thats fine, but these were my children.

fred - we are a very small family and i've always felt it nice if my nephews had a few presents from people other than their parents. As MrsMango says we always had an arrangement which has suddenly stopped with no warning. So I now have the dilema - do i stop buying for my nephews (though its not their fault their father is mean/unorganised) or carry on and feel miffed.

OP posts:

bemybebe · 23/05/2012 10:32

As FFG said. On the basis of your OP YABU though.

DeWe · 23/05/2012 11:35

I don't get the "we buit a conservatory so we can't afford a present". I don't believe that if they've just had buiding work done that a small £5 present was unfeasable. Not unless their in danger of their conservatory being taken down by angry unpaid builders.

I suspect there's more to it than that.
If they'd said, sorry the present is smaller than usual as we're a bit stretched at present, then that would be reasonable.

The small present to your dh sounds perfectly fine to me though.

Purple2012 · 23/05/2012 11:43

Yanbu

I always make an effort with our nieces and nephews and go out of the way to pick gifts I know they will like. It's not reciprocated though. My BIl and SIl very rarely buy my step daughter a birthday present and it really annoys me. They do send he something at Xmas but they dont put any thought into it. They ask what she wants and don't get it but buy her pyjamas or something. It's not the amount, it's the thought that goes into it. I wont stop buying for their kids though as it's not fair on the kids.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 23/05/2012 12:08

YABU. Why would you want your husband or children to be given a gift by someone who doesn't really want to give it and is doing it out of obligation instead?

Presents like that are pretty meaningless surely?

An adult certainly shouldn't expect gifts, even for significant birthdays, and while children can hope, they aren't entitled to extra presents just because they have aunts and uncles. My children don't have any of those on my side of the family anyway.

I'd rather people knew I give them gifts because I really want to, not for the sake of it, and I would prefer people to do the same for me and my family too.

Ithinkitsjustme · 23/05/2012 12:12

My DS and DB's are useless at remembering birthdays! It used to wind me up a bit but now have learned to live and let live. I buy for their kids as I love buying presents, (in fact I love spending money full stop!) but I accept that it's better for them to not buy at all than to remember some and forget others. My DB1 and my DS even missed my DS1's 18th!!

Original poster

dreamingofsun · 23/05/2012 13:07

see ithink forgetting your nephews 18th is bang out of order. I'd be mortified if i did that.

outraged - i guess my husband and I were brought up to believe that relatives did certain things for each other. And celebrating a birthday was one of them, even if it did involve all the cost and time of going to the shop, buying a card and stamp and putting it in a postbox.

OP posts:

Groovee · 23/05/2012 14:00

Well I have no money as dh was made unemployed with no notice and no redundancy due to the company not having any money. So anything I do buy for anyone will be a token gift. If anyone gets upset about that then they can sod off as keeping a roof over our heads and trying to pay bills is more important right now!

Floggingmolly · 23/05/2012 14:15

Nobody is actually obliged to buy anyone else a gift, it's completely up to the individual, however mean it may appear to others.
Someone on another thread was pissed off that her kids, born on Christmas Day, weren't getting two seperate gifts to cover both Christmas and birthdays, and put the message out that this is what was expected.
I just can't understand that level of entitlement.

bobbledunk · 23/05/2012 14:23

It's ridiculous to expect that other people should deprive themselves of anything nice just so they can afford expensive presents for ungrateful, self entitled, money grubbing twits.

yabu and unbelievebly selfish. Get over yourself.

GiveMummyTheWhizzer · 23/05/2012 14:28

Adults shouldn't come to expect presents from other people, regardless of relationship. YABU

Children are a different matter. YANBU

Original poster

dreamingofsun · 23/05/2012 15:40

thankyou for your feedback - i can see the logic about adults and will encourage husband to spend money on me in future rather than buying generous presents for people who then give him thoughtless cheap things on his 40th birthday.

I still can't get my head round what some of you are saying about not bothering with nieces and nephews - guess we will have to beg to differ there.

seeing another perspective has been useful though. thanks

OP posts:

GrendelsMum · 23/05/2012 18:18

I think it's how you've been brought up, isn't it? I'm pretty sure we didn't get birthday presents or cards from our aunts and uncles growing up, just Christmas presents. I do try to remember to send a birthday present or card for nieces and nephews, but I very definitely see it as an inessential. After all - it's hardly as though they're going to be there saying 'where's my card from Aunty GrendelsMum?' is it?

I suspect that presents were very important to you growing up (I mean that in a nice, celebratory way, not a grabby way) and that's why you'd like your children to experience that too, but it doesn't really apply to everyone.

Flip