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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be worried she'll get pregnant?

15 replies

curriesaregreat · 22/05/2012 21:30

This is about my sister. Who, despite what follows, I am very fond of. But I am terrified by what she is proposing.

There are 3 of us - me, my younger sister, and my youngest sister. Youngest sister has always had quite major issues, from when she was a very little girl and physically attacking her classmates. She is very unstable.She is 34.

Basically, she ruins every family occasion we have by either getting drunk and violent and aggressive, or causing huge scenes - weddings, 21st parties, you name it, she's ruined it and embarassed us all by shouting, attacking people (sometimes when sober). She is single and childless and has never had a relationship although has had a few one night stands. She is very jealous of everyone around her and when she's around noone is allowed to mention anyone that is engaged, married or pregnant as she flies off the handle and says she can't handle it.

She is constantly having to move from job to job as she obsesses over things and makes enemies wherever she goes. She has had the sack a few times. She lies constantly but not very well.

She is reliant on my retired parents for money and constantly demands money from them. She terrorises them with phone calls (they live overseas and she lives far from me and my other sister) and verbal abuse on a weekly, sometimes daily basis. She will phone up to 20 times until one of them answers. She is very emotionally abusive to all of us and if she feels upset with someone will harass them with texts, emails and voicemails for days on end, spouting poison.

She is very dirty and unclean and has a very unkempt and unwashed appearance. Her house is filthy and she smells.

She is not very good with children and has limited patience with anyone. She has been to various counsellors and psychologists who have recognised she has some sort of personality disorder and tried to help her but she is on such a destructive spiral.

The point I am making is that she has now declared she has had enough of waiting and is determined to have a baby - apparently 'all she wants is a child'. The thought sends cold panic down my spine, honestly. It would not be the making of her - she is completely incapable of meeting a child's physical and emotional needs. She would not be able to look after a child. She is talking about just going out and getting pregnant by anyone.

Please don't flame me for being a horrible sister. I really care about my sister but would be terrified for any child she brought into the world, especially as we are so far away. But I don't see what I can do to stop her...she seems determined. Honestly, she could not look after a baby - please believe me - I think it would push her over the edge.

OP posts:
FeakAndWeeble · 22/05/2012 21:32

Does she receive any professional support or counselling? Just wondering if there's someone close to her who you could talk to about this.

I don't think anyone will flame you for being a horrible sister. You don't sound at all horrible, just concerned x

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 22/05/2012 21:38

I don't think you're horrible at all. Has your sister ever had help for the mental health issues she clearly has? Professional help I mean?

I don't know what to suggest as she doesn't sound like the kind of person you can have a sit down chat with. Thing is, should she ever get pregnant it wont take the MWs and other HCP long to realise she would need serious help and support to look after the baby and herself, if she is as unstable as you say.

curriesaregreat · 22/05/2012 21:40

We have tried many times to get her help but she doesn't go to appointments or lies and says she has been. She doesn't think there is anything wrong with her.

OP posts:
babylann · 22/05/2012 21:41

I would say yanbu to be concerned, but I don't really see what you can do about it really. Much like appointments she won't keep that you can't make her go to, you can't stop her from going out on the pull in the evenings.

FeakAndWeeble · 22/05/2012 21:43

Hum.

I don't know what to suggest. My mother-in-law is mentally ill (sounds v similar to your sister, but with some added oddness) and we've really struggled to find any support for her at all. She's been sectioned twice, which didn't help at all other than offering my FIL some respite, but she doesn't believe there's anything wrong with her and can act 'normal' when being interviewed by health professionals.... I honestly don't know what I would do if we were miles away and needed to organise some kind of intervention.

Who looks after her if you're all so far away?

curriesaregreat · 22/05/2012 21:47

Hi, she has noone close. She does not really need looked after, she is capable of doing a job (although usually loses them eventually), getting herself about, etc - but requires constant emotional support from her family.

OP posts:
FeakAndWeeble · 22/05/2012 21:51

If she did get pregnant then she'd obviously be assigned a midwife and subsequently a health visitor... I imagine that if they have concerns about her ability to parent then she would be offered appropriate support (hope I'm not being naive here). As difficult as it must be to accept I don't thnk that there is actually anything that you can do other than offer her as much emotional support as you can.

Buckingfiatch · 22/05/2012 22:01

Nothing you can do. From what you have said, I doubt she would listen to reason. All you can do is try to be there, and pray she either ends up with the support she needs through a midwife/health visitor or that it does turn out to be the making of her. You may end up being pleasantly surprised.

notcitrus · 22/05/2012 22:08

Not much you can do. If it's any consolation I knew someone like this and despite a couple years of trying she couldn't actually get any blokes to have unprotected sex with her, even when getting them drunk in London nightclubs. Clearly their self-preservation instincts kicked in.

Can your parents change their number or get caller ID and put the phone on silent?

curriesaregreat · 22/05/2012 22:38

Hi, she just rings and rings again until someone answers with my parents, and they need to hear the phone for a number of reasons....It sounds awful but I do think she would struggle to get anyone to sleep with her, let alone without a condom, so hopefully she will not achieve her aim....

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 22/05/2012 22:45

What an awful situation for you all.

As far as your parents are concerned, I think they should get their landline number changed and give her a mobile number of a phone they've bought specially - they can put it on silent then. It's intolerable that they should be called so often.

Can you imagine someone actually sleeping with her often enough to get her pregnant? Is she really organised enough that she could predict her fertile time? Could she actually attract someone? She sounds so disturbed that I can't imagine someone hanging around long enough.

Count yourself lucky she's nowhere near you. If she does get pregnant you should contact her GP immediately. I know it sounds awful but I just don't see what else you could do.

Buckingfiatch · 22/05/2012 23:17

It can only take one shag to get pregnant. She doesn't need anyone to hang around long enough. I conceived with DS1 after only doing the deed once in that cycle, even days before I was due to ovulate.

ImperialBlether · 22/05/2012 23:18

She's 34. She'd have to be very lucky to get pregnant after just one go at it.

LaurieFairyCake · 22/05/2012 23:21

There's nothing you can. So she has the kid and it's taken into care.

Keep pressuring SS to help her, sounds like she needs a care plan

Buckingfiatch · 22/05/2012 23:26

Not necessarily. My mother had a one night stand when she was 33. 9 months later, out popped my sister.

Not everyone suddenly has fertility problems once they hit 35, nevermind before then.

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