to keep my dd off nursery?

[shortofbread]

My dd 3 has been hard to settle at nursery for the past few months. There is a young guy who helps once a week and whenever he is there she gets upset and cries and wants to come home with me.

I usually persevere but she gets what i presume is a nervous tummy and sits on the toilet pooing /trying to poo for up to 45 mins.

I sometimes feel Id rather save us both the heartache as tbh I would rather have her with me and getting on with stuff than sitting with her in a toilet in tears.

I have asked her what the problem is but she just makes up silly stuff and staff tell me she likes him and often sits on his knee etc (which i find hard to believe but unlikely they'd say this if wasnt true.)

Last couple of weeks i havent taken her on the day he works but I dont want to give her the wrong message. There will always be people in life we would rather avoid but can't. I just feel at 3 its a hard lesson to learn and tbh I want nursery to be a fully positive experience for her.

AIBU.

When you say he helps, is he a volunteer or a qualified member of staff.
I would think this needs to be confronted, can you ask to speak to your daughters key person, is it him?? because if it is this can be changed.
It may well be totally irrational but to your daughter if she has taken a dislike to someone then other than reassuring her that everything is ok then you can request that he spends less time with her and that the trust is gradually built up. Perhaps he told her off just the once or asked her to do something she didn't like doing it could be anything.
My ds when in playgroup really disliked one lady and got very upset when she spoke to him, the playgroup were really good though and very slowly got her to spend more time with him doing his favourite games but it took a while.
He still looks suspiciously at her and that was 5 years ago!!
I think keeping her off is solving nothing and you are in danger of turning it into a bigger issue for her, perhaps you can be seen talking to him in the morning while she settles, let her see that you trust him and like him but you need to tell him so he knows and can help her deal with the situation.

Anyone please? I would really like to know others opinions.

I think you need to get to the bottom of what the problem is rather than hiding from it Unfortunatly.

At three she isn't going to know why she doesn't go to nursery on some days unless you tell her that it's to avoid this person, so there's no need to worry about sending the wrong message. Yes she's going to have to suck it up when she starts school, but at three I think she's still entitled to the odd irrational dislike.

Thanks lesstalk fwiw I dont tell dd she is having a day off so she won't feel the problem is a 'reason' to stay off. Just sometimes i cant face it myself. The tears, the sitting in the toilet and feeling awful because the staff know and i feel they think I should just dump and run but its just not my style. Leaving her hysterical just doesnt sit right with me.

He is not her key worker. His Mum is. And she is lovely. She knows my dd has issues but she reassures me she is fine when i go.

He has quite a direct manner so perhaps he has told her off or something, dd has never told me what the problem actually is. Last time i asked her she said 'i dont like his jokes'

Just to add, I can very faintly remember being scared of a lady in kindergarten purely because she had a mole on her face that frightened me. By the age of five/six I was big enough to know that a person's face looking 'funny' didn't matter.

Thanks guys.

Sirzy- i have tried but dd doesnt say anything that makes sense of the situation. As mentioned above last time I asked she said she didnt like his jokes. But its obviously not this. Last time he was there i heard his voice so said to dd whilst in the cloakroom 'oh X is here today' and she immediately burst into tears. Must have been a really bad joke!!

Jubilucket- my thoughts too.

at the mole!!

If it's school nursery then it will affect their attendance record, so they may get shirty with you if it's for such an irrational reason. I would speak to key worker as someone else suggested and try and minimise contact with this man. Perhaps he shoudn't even speak to her for a few weeks (unless absolutely necessary) until she has a chance to settle down.

My DS used to attend a toddler group next door to the nursery: they would join the nursery for songtime.

The teacher doing songtime was lovely, but she did get carried away sometimes and she absolutely terrified DS the day she pretended to be a bear and rolled her eyes
"Home, Mummy, home! That way - through that door!"

It became a problem when he joined the nursery and was still scared of her. I felt awful telling her, fussy mummy and all that, but she handled it really well and, instead of less contact, she switched to becoming his key worker and having as much to do with him as possible. She actually became his favourite teacher. DS is 12 now and still sometimes sees her - can't believe he was ever scared of her
I'd have a word with them: I'm sure it won't be the first time this sort of thing has happened.

If she doesn't like his jokes it might really just be his sense of humour.

Some adult don't get that children don't understand more sophisticated humour and some children are aware that they are missing something and find it quite distressing.

I remember my friend's dad used to tease us but we were never sure whether he was joking or not. I hated going to her house when he was there!

I know you say you don't like leaving her hysterical, but sometimes staying does make it worse. My dd1 got worse and worse at being left at preschool when she started, eventually I left her still upset which I had never done. Then she never worried again. She loved it once I'd gone anyway, and always came out looking forward to the next time, so it was definitely the right choice for her.

And for what it's worth I remember screaming my head off every time dm tried to leave me when I was 3 and in hospital. So dm would sit down again. My memory is not of being abandoned and how terrible, but that I knew perfectly well I really wasn't that bothered and was quite happy for her to go-but was going to make her feel guilty. Manipulative? Me?