AIBU to want to stick two fingers up at my extended family?

[Woofsaidtheladybird]

Right. Long winded and boring, but I'm in a quandary.

It's my Aunt's (Dad's sister) 75th birthday party on Saturday, and we (myself, DH, DD3, DS5m) have been invited. It's being organised by my uncle (her brother) and my aunt (his wife) and the lunch is being hosted at my cousin's house (my uncle's son) about an hour's drive away.

When I was pregnant with DD in 2008 my Aunt disowned me and stopped talking to me. I'd been seeing DH (then DP) for 8 months, and was doing a PhD (which I had to eventually quit). We knew we were going to have a future and wanted children, but as I wasn't that young in the scheme of things, plus had had ovary problems, we decided to be more lax with contraception. Of course, I conceived straight away. My Mum told my Aunt and she said 'how disappointing'. We saw my Aunt on Boxing Day that year at my parents, and when DP went to shake her hand, she quite pointedly ignored his hand, and refused to speak to him for the rest of the lunch, and also myself. We were severely disappointed, as I'd always loved my Aunt very much - she is also my Godmother. She is also a Vicar, and we wanted her to do our wedding ceremony for us, the following October. After that day, we clearly decided not to, and as my parents were doing a lot of the wedding organising, she wasn't invited to our wedding either, which made me quite sad, but I felt it was the right thing to do. She has stopped sending me birthday cards, and Christmas cards are just addressed to 'woof and family'. I got a brief congrats card when DD was born, and also for DS. Nothing else for them, no little 'welcome' kind of presents, never anything for their birthdays or Christmas.

So. I have 2 older brothers. One is divorced - 2 children from first wife - left her to be with my current SIL, and they had a baby before marrying. My aunt doesn't ignore them, showers his boys with gifts, lavish hampers at Christmas, the works. My other brother and his wife (no children) we don't talk to (he rented my flat off me last year and was a complete arsehole and messed me about when I was heavily pregnant - refused entry to estate agents trying to sell it, left drugs around, promised to keep it tidy but didn't, didn't pay rent on time, left me out of pocket, you name it). For some bizarre reason my aunt idolises him. She was my brothers' guardians when they were at boarding school when we lived overseas when we were younger.

Anyway. Both brothers, I have discovered since yesterday, are going to the party. I saw the invite as a kind of olive branch, and had decided to go. I do NOT want to see my arsey brother at all (DH reckons his blood will boil if we see him, and he doesn't want him around our children as he's off his face half the time). I kind of want to see my Aunt and show off my lovely children, and show her and her partner what they are missing out on. (Btw, she has no children, she has lived with her female friend for the best part of 50 years - no-one knows what the relationship between them is, and no-one gives a hoot anyway) I do want to see my uncle and cousin, and other cousins going. My parents aren't going, as since the Boxing Day debacle, they haven't talked to my Aunt either.

WTF would you do? I'm tempted to say bugger off to all of them, but its faaaamily innit. I'm especially sad as it's DD's birthday today, and no-one from my family (apart from my parents and my uncle - mum's brother) have sent her a card ('nice' brother says his is in the post.) DH's family - great aunts, great-great aunts, random 2nd cousins twice removed - have all sent cards.

The issues that bug me are:

• She's a vicar. Be nice, FFS!
• Why ignore me, and not my brother, when we've both had babies outside marriage??!!
• Why is my other twatty brother still existing, and bugging me so much?
• If I go, I'm the youngest cousin and will be treated as such. I'm bloody forty in a few months.

Either way, I need to call my uncle today and tell him yay or nay.

Arse. I'm so angry thinking about it all. . Have told DH I'm getting a MN opinion on it all..
Sorry its long!

We did see auntie-vicar at a family do a couple of years ago - her older brothers' 80th party. My parents didn't go. Non twat brother went, twat brother didn't. I was near her at some point and she said to me 'are we talking now' and I said 'well I didn't think you wanted to know me anymore' to which she replied 'well I'm a lot older than you (huh?) but I have always loved you and always will' - still ignores us all at Xmas and birthdays though....

It seems to me that the boxing day thing would have blown over in time but the ante was upped by the wedding stuff. It sounds like she is feeling that you are the one who has cut her off rather than vice versa. I think not inviting her to the wedding was a big deal and does put the ball in your court to get back in touch with her - and she did try to break the ice at the family do a couple of years ago

It doesn't sound like you are ever going to be able to work out why she has behaved as she has. I can't see her turning around at the party and it all being ok now. Add to that your twattish brother(s) going... I'd be tempted to think very hard about whether you need the hassle of attempting a relationship with that side of the family.

Having said that, it seems a tad strange that your parents have been so keen to wipe your aunt off the map when your brothers and you haven't/aren't? What's the history there?

Friday - the boxing day doodah happened at my parents and they thought she was incredibly rude - she actually stormed out before coffee - and my mum holds a grudge for a VERY long time. Personally, I just miss her and her friend a bit. As for my brothers - well I guess they have a bit of a bond as she was their guardian when we lived in Asia and they were at school in Wales in the 70s. Plus she is pretty wealthy and I am certain they are in it in the hope of getting money when she dies, at least twat brother is - he only does things in the hope of getting something back.

Bugger I was hoping there was going to be a resounding yes or no.....

Given that she is 75, I'd imagine the reason for her behaviour owes much to the norms of her youth. She was born in 1937ish, so her "norms" were established in the 1940s-50s - pre-contraception, pre-women's lib etc. Some people move with the times (my mother is also 75 and very 'modern' in her outlook), but some people don't. Perhaps being a vicar helps to insulate her into the 1950's mode too (yes I know that's not a given, when you consider the TV program "Rev", but I could still see it as a possibility).

Hence the double-standard of your brother being able to have children out of wedlock without disapprobation, but for her to be very disappointed that you, her niece, did so. There was a lot of it (double-standards) about! After all, you've said "no-one knows what the relationship between them [your aunt and her female companion] is" - because such things were not talked about then and, for her, continue to be not talked about now.

I also think that, as several posters have already said, your parents not inviting her to your wedding played a part here. Ideally, the air would have been cleared before, but it wasn't, so you just have to deal with that. (I have sympathy, an ongoing family feud affected invitations and acceptances to my wedding too). Her 'are we talking now' suggests that she might feel the ball is in your court; as she might see it, she was punished for her rudeness by not being invited, and feels unable to approach you. OK, she should apologise, but that could be part of the whole "I'm a lot older than you" thing - the automatic deference to your elders that she was brought up with.

Sigh. Is it possible to have a chat with the uncle who invited you to this shindig? Get a feeling for what's going on in not just your aunt's head, but also what the rest of the family know/think of it all?

PS - haven't mentioned your twunt brother as he is a bit irrelevant really - he's a twunt, you know it; just don't mingle with him.

Good post, Where. Interesting to point out that my grandparents (ie her parents) 'had' to get married.

Yes, brother is a twunt. In fact DH said if we went he could tolerate my aunt, but not my brother. He has now categorically said we're not going....

I need to call my uncle anyway but if I start going into things it may open a whole can of worms.

Buggerarsebollocks Sigh.

Whereyouleftit speaks a lot of sense.

Sounds to me like your DH has decided for you both whereas you're feeling a bit unsure as you'd like to build some bridges with your aunt because you miss her.

Would another option be to not go to the party - you will avoid your twunt of a DB and also it won't be the best time to talk to your aunt - but maybe send a card and present and put a note in the card to the effect of:
"Sorry not to be joining you for your celebration but I would like to meet up for lunch or coffee sometime. If you would like that too, then please give me a ring on xxx and we can arrange something. Happy birthday!"

It's just that it sounds like you do miss her and I'd hate for you to regret not trying to be back in touch with her 10yrs down the line.

Could you go to the party without your DH?

I am not saying you should go but it just seemed as if you were a bit disappointed that DH has now put his foot down and said you're both not going...

I think you need to simplify this!

It comes down to whether you want to build bridges with your aunt or not.

If yes, then go. With or without your DH. Or follow RaPa's good advice and don't go but suggest meeting with her one-on-one.

If not, then don't go, don't suggest meeting up, just politely decline the invite.

Did anyone ever explain to her how rude it was for her to snub your DH when she first met him? And that this is the reason why she wasn't invited to your wedding? She is going to take the non-invite as a snub, and you can't expect her to assume that the decision ultimately came from your parents not you, as it is your wedding and your consent is implicit.

As there's been no real clearing of the air, I would put her not sending your DC presents down to her feeling that your relationship has really cooled from what it used to be, and she is not that welcome in your new family life.

How she treats your DBs is, IMO, irrelevant as she hasn't experienced the same breakdown in relationship with them, and they haven't, in her eyes, snubbed her.

Ultimately this is your decision to make, not your DH's, so bear that in mind!

Darling woof, I can't get past th fact that you are forty in a few months. You don't look it at all.

I wonder if she felt very proud of your PHd and feels crushed by it, in a living your life through others kind of way? Does she feel let down by her own education?

Go, try and make it up with her. Maybe quote something relevant from the bible to prick her conscience a little?

This is certainly a difficult and complicated situation.

First things first, your silly brother will keep popping up throughout your life and you will not be able to avoid him, so how do you wish to resolve things with him in general?

I suspect his drug problem has resulted in him being beyond normal reason and also beyond normal standards of behaviour. Under regular circumstances you would be expecting an apology and or a show of remorse from him or even the money he owes you, as this would be the way foward. It might be easier for you and your DH to accept that this won't happen as he is on a very self absorbed journey of drug dependence.
Letting go of your anger toward your brother will be best for you and DH. Easier said than done, but an idea worth exploring.

Back to the Vicar Aunt. You miss her and her partner: this is the key!

Would you say she treated you and your Bros equally in terms of gifts before you had kids?
Did your Bros' kids get fabby gifts before the family rift?
When was the most recent example of you sending her a gift and you receiving no thanks for it? How many times has this happened?

I think the hosts of the party have invited you to do the right thing and I think that's very good of them and they should be warmly thanked when you RSVP. I suspect this party is not the time to heal the problem and you need to speak to your mum and dad to check the facts of the rift to make sure there wasn't more history to it.

Get the facts, compile a time line of snub vs snub and then move toward clearing the air.
I am imagining a tough old bird used to her village congregation taking her word as gospel, never encountering any resistance to her way of thinking, and her seeing you as her own mirror image younger self forging ahead in academia, childfree. She was probably pissed off you were taking a sudden new direction and blamed your DH. You were her mini me!

Life is given to us and taken from us in the blink of any eye. Do you feel a need to sort it out with aunt and brother? Would it make your life better? Sometimes you have to understand a bit of all points of view but come to your own decision. No regrets on deathbed and all that.

Llare I'm mightily pissed off re the PhD too, but hey. I think also that they were keen that I marry a Doctor (I didn't!) (Btw, thanks for the compliment!)

Re my brother - he doesn't actually owe money anymore, he was late on paying rent in accordance with the simplistic T&C we had arranged, putting me out of pocket when my mortgage came out of my account (bearing in mind I was working PT and getting paid rubbish money so couldn't afford said mortgage really). He's been on and off 'recreational' drugs since the 90s but now goes a bit bonkers and when he drinks gets even more really arrogant and nasty.

Pre us having kids, she was very generous with us all. Cheques on birthdays (which we kept saying she didn't need to etc). I still have the dolls house she gave me as a child ready to be done up for DD at Xmas, and also a limited addition Aunt Lucy bear (Paddington). Just makes me sad. The latest gift I gave her - I can't remember actually - the Christmas before the Boxing Day? No thanks for that, obv. Then she didn't acknowledge DD's birth, etc etc. I think I have sent some chocs for her birthday but haven't since as I don't get a card anymore. Actually I may have done last year.

I don't think there is any more history to the rift. We always at least saw vicarauntie on Boxing Day at my parents for years - she and her partner had been on holidays with my parents, and I tried to visit a few times a year (she lives in Wales - we're near London). Maybe I was her mini me - I think she was quite adventurous way back when - worked in MI6, travelled all over, etc. Clearly has snubbed tradition by not marrying and living with her friend, ordained a few years ago and still smokes like a chimney. You're not far wrong imagining the tweed wearing old bird.

Ho hum. I think what I am going to do is write her a short letter and put it in her birthday card, send some flowers, but not go on Saturday. DH has said that if twat-brother wasn't going we'd definitely go - he has even said we'd take a mini break avec les enfants to Wales for a long weekend soon and go and visit her for lunch or something if it really means that much to me, and maybe invite her to DS's christening later on in the year (non-twat-brother is godfather, so it could be quite nice etc) I certainly don't want to create a scene with twat-brother and I am highly likely to tell him and twat-sister-in-law to fuck off very loudly. That will definitely get me barred from any future family bashes!

I would give her a second chance. But that would be her last chance. Attend and let her meet the kids. It might be a great chance to put things behind both of you and more on

Stay away from annoying brother though. I wouldn't blank him, but wouldn't give much attention at all.

Just guessing. Maybe she saw herself in you - single and 40? Then you went and spoilt it all by having kids, something she really wanted but couldn't have?

Limited edition - oops.

Mud - teensy bit sad about my brother, but wouldn't miss him out of my life. I can remember physical fights we had in our late teens / early twenties. We've been the best of friends at times and now don't talk. He has never wanted to do me any favours though, and non-twat-brother agrees that he is like this with everyone. Just sad about my aunt as she's getting old and I have fonder memories of her. I really did want her at my wedding, but my parents put their foot down. Actually, my mum didn't want my uncles there either, but thats another story altogether.

There is another aunt in the siblings (theres Uncle J, Auntie R in oz, Uncle P, vicarauntie then my Dad), but she is in Australia and out of the loop a bit. My lovely cousin out there is a Christian and didn't frown on me when I had DD....

Sigh.

I think you have to make the decision and not DH by the way

Well it's complicated. But families often are. Don't think I could be bothered with somebody who didn't even acknowledge my child's birth. That is one thing too far. So I wouldn't go.

skyblue - could well be... am even more sad now

I can't risk seeing twat-brother and not losing it. He really is a prize knob-head.

Mary - I got a card after DS was born in December. It said:

Dear Woof and family
Twat-brother tells me you have had a baby boy. I hope all is well.
Love, vicarauntie

Twat-brother's card said: 'congratulations on your arrival'

Twat.

i don't think i'd go. if your mum and dad and nice bro aren't going to be there, then i wouldn't go.

You clearly have bigger problems with your brother than you do with your aunt!
It all comes out in the end, doesn't it?

Woof, you said in your OP that you did get a brief congratulations card from your vicar aunt on the birth of both your DD and DS?

It is a shame you did want her at your wedding but your parents got their way

I don't think you will know why she acted as she did until you actually ask her, but it does sound that you are still in her thoughts and she is stil in yours, so I really hope you can make up and move on.

Sidebar - yes I got a card after DD was born two months later. It said 'Dear woof, I have had to hear from my sister about the birth of your child, I trust all is well, love vicarauntie'

Bibbity - what do you mean by that? I made it quite clear in my OP that twat-brother is bugging me, and I'm hurt by my aunt's behaviour, but miss her.

Lots of possibilities here, some have already been mentioned, here is my musing

Vicar aunt is a strong character by the sound of it, she's had an amazing job, has been ordained very soon after women were first able too, has lived an unconventional life with her friend. Is she a bit of a feminist?

If so, could she have held up high hopes for you, your studies etc. if so could she see your DH as the person who stopped you achieving you goals and what she might see as 'your true potential'.

Another theory, could she be a bit jealous that you have the children she has always wanted and never been able to have? You were obviously very close and she see's your DH as a barrier to your friendship continuing.

She may not have known how to deal with her feelings when she first met your DH and then to add insult to injury she wasn't invited to your wedding let alone be invited to perform the ceremony. (from her eyes)

Can I also debunk myths about Vicars, male of female. We are not used to people accepting our views and decisions. We get lots of people disagreeing with us, it's part of the job . We are far from perfect and even if we are good at our jobs we have the same struggles, faliures and joys within our families as anyone else! I'll get off my soap box now.