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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband too busy?

26 replies

undertheivy · 21/05/2012 02:45

Hi all, just need a few peoples ideas on this as I'm not sure if I am justified in feeling angry?
My OH works away from home all week, goes away early on Monday morning and comes back knackered 7pm Friday. One Saturday a month he sees friends and does hobby from 9am to 5pm. Sunday mornings he sees his elderly parents. He works very hard and is tired all the time, he falls asleep at the table between courses! He falls asleep at 8.30pm at night on Saturdays and Sundays and I have to wake him up to tell him to go to bed, then I'm on my own. He has now started another hobby which was supposed to be one Saturday a month but he goes every week now. So I get to see him Sunday afternoons only. We talked about this and he said he would spend 2 Saturdays a month with me but every week, the same thing, he tells me he is going out "just for a few hours" which turns out to be all day. Our house needs renovating and is run down, I do a lot but there are some things that I cant do and never get done. And I would like to do some fun things together but he doesnt seem to want to.

I know he works hard and needs a life of his own, and it isnt possible for him to get another job nearer home. But is it unreasonable for him to spend every Saturday with friends/hobbies? I can just about cope with being on my own all week but get really fed up being alone on Saturdays. Our love life is suffering as he is too tired, and now when he is in the mood I say No because I'm too fed up with everything.

Am I wrong to feel unhappy? He has gone off tonight (Sunday) for an early meeting tomorrow so now I'm here alone again. Any advice please?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2012 02:49

It's a little difficult to say without knowing what the hobbies are. I mean, could he do something on the evenings he is away rather than all day most Saturdays? Also, do you have DCs because I would be very pissed off if DH was away all week and then chose to be away almost all weekend.

Greatauntirene · 21/05/2012 03:05

Don't think nagging will produce a change. Maybe you need to find a life of your own so you are doing stuff you enjoy and not sitting waiting for him to turn up. That's not to say he isn't being selfish and unreasonable, just that it won't be that easy to change him.

Could Sat afternoon be great sex time so he has a reason to be there.

Original poster
undertheivy · 21/05/2012 03:11

Great what time?

Er...No.
Hobby can only be done on Saturdays with (divorced, single) friend.
thanks for replying anyway.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2012 03:14

Do you think he's got someone else? He certainly has the time and you say you aren't having a lot of any sex.

CCsgirl · 21/05/2012 03:17

I don't think you are BU. You need some time together for your relationship to survive, surely? It's bollocks to suggest you should have to offer sex as a incentive for him to spend time with you. Would every other Saturday morning for hobby work as a compromise?

TanteRose · 21/05/2012 03:23

doesn't sound much of a marriage, if you ask me

he is not even trying, is he?

sunnydelight · 21/05/2012 04:12

It does seem strange that he has chosen to take up another hobby rather than spending any time with you - sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's hard to understand his motivation.

I think you need to sit him down and have discuss the future of your relationship, what do you both want out of it, where do you see yourselves in a few years time, that sort of thing as it's hard to see the point of continuing if you don't both agree you actually want to be together. DH had periods of working away Mon-Fri but wouldn't have dreamed of organizing anything other than spending time with his family when he came home.

NapaCab · 21/05/2012 04:20

You might as well be single really so you have to ask yourself what the point of staying with him is for a life where you only get to be part of a couple on Sunday afternoons.

Couldn't he take you with him on Sundays to his parents so you're all together? Same with the hobby - why not choose something you can do together so you can both spend time on it? If it's something you don't like, you could always take up a new hobby together and he can keep up his old one during the week when he's working away, find a new club where he works etc.

I've no idea if that's useful as I don't know what the hobbies are but really the weekend should be your time for each other if he's serious about the relationship.

It's one thing to work away, that's hard enough, but if he's not even going to spend time with you when he's there then it's pointless.

empirestateofmind · 21/05/2012 04:31

If he can't move his job can you move to be nearer the job? You don't say if you have children but even if you have, they can change schools.

This doesn't sound any sort of life for you. You are being thrown a few hours of his time each week and nothing more. Why is he so tired he is falling asleep between courses? Is he ill? Is it a very physically demanding job?

When my DH worked away Monday to Friday he was at home all weekend helping and being with his family. It wasn't easy but it was doable.

I suspect there is a lot more to this.

ErnesttheBavarian · 21/05/2012 04:48

I'd wonder why he was choosing to be away so much. Either he's got a brilliant hobby (what is it, I could do with a hobby) or another woman. Wahetever it is though, he is actively choosing to not be with you.

Up to you now what you want to do about it.

Do you have dc?

What if you wanted to go off and do something?

What if you were never home? How would he react?

And all that besides, being so tired you're falling asleep during dinner is unsustainable and v. bad for health.

AwaketooLate · 21/05/2012 04:55

My DP has his own business and works 12 hour days, 6 days a week.

Whilst I can appreciate that he HAS to put in these hours, I would expect any extra time to spent with me, and our child once it is born. Spending his only day off with friends or persuing a hobby would be a BIG problem unless it included me too.

Can you get involved in his hobby? Is he prepared to compromise at all?

Tbh if his attitude is "get over it", it would be a massive dealbreaker for me. I'm going through something similar with DP myself..

Cathynclaire · 21/05/2012 05:05

Whats in it for you?

Does he bring his washing home for you to do too?

Do you ever get the chance to do a hobby, or is all your time in the week spent looking after DCs and running a household?

Babylon1 · 21/05/2012 05:07

YANBU to want to spend quality time with your DH.

LindyHemming · 21/05/2012 07:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

holmesgirl · 21/05/2012 07:21

I couldn't live like that. Would be a dealbreaker for me. YANBU.

Hyperballad · 21/05/2012 07:35

Is he a 'bury his head in the sand' kind of guy?

Just thinking that he could be as unhappy as you are but instead of facing it, dealing with it, he is running away from the issues.

I think you definitely need to sit down with him and try to begin sorting this out. It's so difficult when he clearly works very hard to be seen as complaining about it but it has gone beyond what is reasonable.

I think the first starting point is to find out If he is happy with your current situation or not.

Keep us updated OP! X

Whatmeworry · 21/05/2012 07:37

Sounds like a vicious circle, neither are getting much out of this.

Hyperballad · 21/05/2012 07:40

Just reading your Post again, I think it's likely he could be feeling very torn, and he's getting all wrong when it comes to you! Speak to him, and see if he feels the same as you. X

MadamFolly · 21/05/2012 07:44

You don't really have a relationship do you? :(

Longtalljosie · 21/05/2012 07:47

Good grief...

This is no marriage at all - you see no more of him than anyone else!

If both his parents are alive, and have each other for company, he doesn't need to see them every weekend. Perhaps if things were different it might be nice but they're not.

He shouldn't be running two hobbies when he only has 48 hours a week with you as well. That's just thoroughly selfish. What if you wanted an interest outside the home? It's just not possible, is it?

I wonder if you should consider Relate or similar. Perhaps you need a disinterested third party to make him see this is unreasonable.

Is there any possibility of moving nearer to his work?

Chandon · 21/05/2012 07:57

Do you have kids?

My Dh has a long hours job, which then "justifies" him doing his hobby from 12-6 on Sat and Sun! Sometimes it is only one day at the weekend, and then if I ever complain he says: Come on, I am not ALWAYS away 2 days.

I have told him I feel upset that he doesn't want to spend the weekend with his family, but he says he DOES and we always wants us to coem and cheer him on...

Bit tricky.

The reason it works, mostly, for us is that we have dinner together every weekday (at around 8 when he is back) and we both go out on our own (with friends) on Thursdays mainly (babysitter) and keep Fridays and Saturdays free, or to go out together (or together with friends).

For him, spending the mornings with his boys is "enough" and then he goes out for the rest of the day...

It often pops up in arguments, but on the whole, I seem to just accept it. I don't hang around waiting for him, I often take the boys out to the beach or swimming, and then when he comes home "ready to spend time with his family" we are out (which he hates). I just make sure we have fun, I am not being a martyr.

ENormaSnob · 21/05/2012 08:34

It's not really a marriage IMO.

I couldnt live like that.

Bubbaluv · 21/05/2012 08:41

I can't see how this situation is sustainable for the long term.
Can you move closer to his work so that he can be home every night? Can he find a job closer to home?

You are clearly unhappy with the status-quo, but how does he feel about it? If he's constantly exhausted I would think he'd be keen for a change too!?

What's his hobby? Could you join in?

Do you visit his parents with him?

ljgibbs · 21/05/2012 08:50

What do you mean 'he needs a life of his own'? He has Monday to Thursday evenings when he is away from home to have a 'life of his own'.
Why is he so tired? He's not commuting everyday just twice a week.

Jux · 21/05/2012 09:04

Serious conversation required. Your marriage is unsustainable as t is.

Do you have children?