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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry that I might die and leave my children?

50 replies

Herbsmum · 20/05/2012 21:04

Is this a normal worry? I have no reason to think like this but I am often consumed with the the thought of my children without a mum.
I am not sure if I am just being hyper anxious and should seek help or this is a normal mummy anxiety,( or us it a premonition, my worst fear)
Any talking sense would help.

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 20/05/2012 21:51

There was a long thread about this only a few days ago-it was very common.

SilkStalkings · 20/05/2012 21:53

Not at all. Last month a young mum I knew died suddenly of cancer (they thought she had a year or two) leaving 3 kids under 8, the youngest is too young to keep any memories of his own. It completely threw me into a real state and I got my hair cut short in a kind of carpe diem tribute to her (although hers was long). I decided to channel my sadness and fear into something useful and set about planning my funeral and memorial service! I have since forced DH to talk about such possibilities and have been busy sorting out the mountain of unfiled household paperwork, reorganising files to be more user-friendly and getting better quotes and coverage on anything and everything just to know I have not left them in chaos should something happen to me anytime soon.

Has made me feel a little better anyway. I see her DH and kids most days on the schoolrun (don't know them to talk to really) and feel so sad for them but life does go on. Most people stick their heads in the sand about death and most dying people would rather good things came of their death so don't wallow, act!

FallenCaryatid · 20/05/2012 21:55

Making plans isn't bad luck, it's responsible.
Not making plans is extremely bad luck for those that have to suffer the consequences.

hellymelly · 20/05/2012 22:00

op I am just like you, I worry about it all the time. I think in my case it is because I am an older Mum (in my 40's) and so I know I won't be with them as long as if I'd had children in my twenties. I get myself in a complete state about it, I can't read things about women dying young without feelinga stab of fright and nausea, and I panic even more as there is no-one who I would want to bring them up (at least no-one who would want to take on two small children). I imagine them crying for me and me not being there. I really hate feeling like this, as it affects what I do in my daily life, but I have had fears ever since I gave birth.

SilkStalkings · 20/05/2012 22:04

Oh yes I don't think I will ever be able to read anything involving bereavement again. (Adds to book&movie blacklist which already includes: children being AT ALL upset, flappy mums in business suits with baby sick on the lapel yawn, repeatedly dumb chicklit heroines.)

blueskycp · 20/05/2012 22:13

I worry about this too. I also have these awful thoughts that something terrible will happen to them. I think it's probably a normal part of being a mum.
Try to remember that life can only ever be in the now so no point worrying about something that isn't real. Chances are, everything will be fine. (I'm giving myself a pep talk here too!) :)

AlbertoFrog · 20/05/2012 22:41

Thank goodness I'm normal. Thought it was just me.

DH and I were talking about wills just this afternoon. Must must must get round to updating them to take DS into account.

i remember being told that when you're pregnant you worry for 9 months. Then you really start worrying. So true.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 20/05/2012 22:52

You do not have the gift of second sight.

So it is not a premonition.

It's just that we all worry about things that are worrying.

Now tell the thought to stop and go and have fun.

mumblechum1 · 20/05/2012 22:55

I'm a will writer and must admit that I even put off writing my own will for years because I didn't want to think about the whole Guardianship thing.

It is very very normal to worry about leaving your children, but you have to remember that the chance of both parents dying when they are under 18 is really very very small.

trixymalixy · 20/05/2012 22:56

Not just me then! I feel quite anxious frequently about something happening to me or to the kids. I'm not sure what level of anxiety is normal or whether I should see my GP

Original poster

Herbsmum · 20/05/2012 23:01

So, I am not the only one thinking such awful thoughts.
Thank you .
Wil have to get a grip and move on.

OP posts:

BurningBridges · 21/05/2012 00:06

There's been a couple of similar threads recently - yes I feel like this pretty much all the time, am trying to get a grip on it but my own mum died when I was 13 so I don't have to imagine how awful it will be - I know.

So I have made/am making preparations, Guardianship done some time ago, bit like hellymelly trying to get the house more "executor" (or more likely "DH-left-to-cope) friendly.

I think a significant number of parents feel like this from time to time, its nothing to worry about unless it starts to affect your day to day life, but definitely talk about it to get your fears out - if not to a friend, then on Mumsnet. Here's link to quite a good thread a couple of weeks ago:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1470798-Panic-attacks-about-dying

beansmum · 21/05/2012 00:13

I worry about this ALL the time. It's totally normal, isn't it? I'm single and have no family on this side of the world. I worry about what would happen if I got hit by a bus while ds was at school. How would anyone know? Who would the school call? What would happen to ds?

I'm in Christchurch, during the first earthquake, a while ago now, I really thought we were about to die. I was actually kind of happy that we were together (it was the middle of the night) and neither of us would be left alone.

Wingedharpy · 21/05/2012 00:18

Making plans and getting things in order is sensible because, unfortunately, there is no "might" about it - it is one of the certainties in life that you will die (though hopefully not for years and years).
Leaving everything in order is one of the best things you can do for your children because, no matter how old they are, they will be devastated at losing you and if you have made all the arrangements their minds will be at peace that at least they did what Mum/Dad wanted.
Also, having sorted your affairs will give you some peace of mind then you can put these thoughts to bed.

Tinkerisdead · 21/05/2012 00:35

I used to have this worry a lot when i had dd1 3yrs ago. When i had dd2 3 months ago i got pulmonary embolisms and it wasnt picked up for days. Nothing was as chilling as being told 'we cant let you go home as you'll very likely die'. Dd2 waa 5 days old. I sobbed my heart out because something i'd feared since dd1 was staring me in the face.

But, my will us written, my funeral wishes are known to dh, i make him try to do dd's hair as its the one thing he really cant do! I've done full baby joirnals for both girls and made sure they are properly completed, they each have a memory box of special things (obviously dd1 has more in hers) and each of them has a 'dear mum' memory book from me. The dear mum books contain all your memories and wisdom etc you wish to impart. Hopefully, god forbid if i ever do die when they are young, they'll have enough from me to know how much i loved them. And thats comforting enough to ease the anxiety.

exoticfruits · 21/05/2012 06:51

I think that the best thing to do is get guardians etc sorted out as soon as you have DCs, make sure that you get wills written.

everlong · 21/05/2012 07:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dolcelatte · 21/05/2012 07:34

It is entirely normal to worry about death, given its inevitability. In my 20s I lost my mother, my brother and my best friend within 18 months. My biggest fear is that I lose one of my DDs. I can't bear to read or watch anything that relates to the loss of a child. it's against the natural order.

CremeEggThief · 21/05/2012 09:39

No, it's not just you. Something like this crosses my mind at least once a day, and if it's not that, it's the one that's even worse - DS dying before me.

No advice, only at least you know you're not alone.

CremeEggThief · 21/05/2012 10:10

We have not made a will or ever discussed guardians. We don't own a house and have over £10,000 debt (4 years ago, that figure was over £40,000!) and only have £5-6,000 in savings for DS, so if I am really honest, I feel too ashamed to make a will. We have got life assurance policies, but no idea of the terms and conditions and I don't know if DH updated his address details when we moved nearly three years ago. He won't know either, as his memory is awful! Could something like a different address invalidate your policy?

On the subject of guardians- none of the grandparents are an option. My dad is a functioning alcoholic and both DH's parents had addiction problems and neglected their DC, particularly his mother. My mum couldn't handle the responsibility. My brother is enjoying the life of a hardworking, gig-going Londoner, sharing a flat with his girlfriend and friends. DH's brother is an addict, currently sober, but... So it would probably have to be my sister, but as she lives in Ireland, it would be a massive upheaval and a completely different lifestyle for DS. Even DH on his own would be a concern, as because of the way he was brought up, he doesn't understand the importance of routine and he has very little concept of risk and danger.

I know I am going to have to sort it all out sooner rather than later, but I hope some of you reading this can see why I haven't so far.

misslinnet · 21/05/2012 10:28

It's normal to worry about this.

I agree that it's a good idea to make sure that you've got an up to date will, sort out who guardians would be, and maybe get life insurance.

I'm trying to talk DH into this now, but he has this idea that making a will is bad luck

mumblechum1 · 21/05/2012 12:32

misslinnet, the first thing you're taught in will writing is that lots of clients equate making a will with signing your own death warrant!

For anyone who's interested, I have a paid for ad over on the Small Business section of Classifieds titled "5* Willwriting Business recommended by Mumsnetters".

misslinnet · 21/05/2012 21:03

Personally, I think it's very silly of DH to imagine he'll wind up in some ridiculous Final Destination type accident as soon as he signs a will. But there you go....

His parents are the same. I mentioned a while back that my parents had updated their will and they were " They've made a will????? But they might die!"

And then DH's sister married an undertaker

mumblechum1 · 21/05/2012 21:29

Crazy family you've married into there MissLinnet!

Meglet · 21/05/2012 21:32

I worry about it all the time. I have a will and insurance set up for the kids and guardians in place.

What terrifies me is that their abusive dad would show up and want them again, actually makes me feel sick thinking about it. He would destroy them if he had them.

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