To expect more for my daughter

[Swifty1234]

My DD who is 13 really seems to struggle with friendships and I'm not sure if there's anything I can or should be doing. She was in a group of about 5 friends at primary/middle school which was then separated at secondary school. She started secondary school in the same form as two of them. Since then (she's now in year 9) she has one new friend and that seems to be it. Her friend was on holiday last week and my dd stays she spent every break in the library or locking herself in the toilet. She told me she felt lonely at school and feels she's a loner. She said everyone knows she has no friends. She asked me not to talk to her school but I did as I was so worried about her. Her form teacher said she'd noticed that she was much quieter than she had been in year 8 and would have a chat with her. My dd is now upset that I spoke to the school and is embarrassed that her teacher now knows she only has one friend. A few people have made horrible comments about her lack of friends and the odd nasty comment. I do worry about her. She's one of the youngest in the year and I think feels out of her depth. I would really appreciate some advice.

Are there any lunchtime clubs or activities she and her friend could join? I think she needs to be kept busy and distracted at school and hoefully this will be a passing phase. After all there's only a few months to go to end of term and by next term everything may change. Girls are notoriously fickle in their friendships - just remind her that she does have one very good friend -maybe you could get her to see the friend at the weekend.

Does she have any friends out of school? Can you think of anything that makes her struggle socially, or can she?

She might just need to you talk to her about the things that make a good friend, and give her some strategies to use to talk to people more.

She has a couple of friends at guides and karate but doesn't see them any other time. I'm not the most social person. We tend to see one friend and her daughter and my DB and SIL and cousins. I wonder if we haven't mixed with enough people. DH is the same. I thinks she feels fine with people she knows well but finds it difficult to make that's connection with people she knows slightly. I'm hoping things will change in time but i hate the thought of her going through school not having fun and not enjoying it.

Could you get her interested in something which she would have to socialise more heavily to do, like some kind of charity work? It's probably just a confidence issue. How about visiting elderly people in a home or helping out at a kids club, something where the socialising is a means to a rewarding end.

It might be that she doesn't have much in common with her peers. What kinds of things is she passionate about?

If you are not particularly social, then she probably hasn't had much opportunity to learn the skills it takes to make friends. But there's nothing wrong with that, as long as you are happy how you are, and your dd would probably benefit from learning that. Don't let her think that you think there is something wrong with her because she doesn't have many friends, it's not the be all and end all. She needs confidence to be who she is more than anything else.

If she says she is lonely then she is clearly not happy with being a loner and as you and your husband are not social she hasn't been able to pick up the clues from you and your husband on how to mix in her per group.

You did the right thing talking to her teacher even if your dd is upset with you now as hopefully will be able to help with getting her more involved with her peers.

Some people are not naturally outgoing but that doesn't mean they have to go through life with few friends.