to feel like shite about how my friend sees my parenting?

[IAmNotAmused]

This is rather a long one but I'm going to cut it short a bit.

Friend has two (2yr/3yr) boisterous boys. I have a dd(8mth) and ds (3). Ds is very sensitive and doesnt like too much rough play, likes being near me etc. He is occasionally very whiny but generally listens and isnt too much of a little monster. My friend and me, although close, have always differed on our parenting styles. She encourages boisterousness and leaves the kids to do whatever. I'm not too keen on that and prefer to supervise what's going on because ds is a target for bullying as he isnt very dominant.

While I think boisterousness is great for getting the kids energy out and it's good in some ways to let them sort their problems out, I find that my friend can be critical of how I am with ds. She insinuates that he needs to be left to get on with things and that fighting with her ds isnt going to hurt him. She says its good and better to be more of a 'rough' kind of parent and said recently how she thinks he is more of a stubborn mindframe. She hasn't really ever liked him that much I feel, and I say that because I really love her two boys and even though they can be a nuisance messing up the house when they come over, I have a great relationship with them. Her kids go to anybody and welcome strangers. Mine don't go to anyone unless they know them. I'm feeling like that's not normal and that they should be more like hers.

I feel upset that while I know ds is a sensitive little boy who more enjoys doing his letters and numbers, I feel like I'm doing something wrong and like he should be more boisterous or something. He's a bit advanced with speech and other educational aspects and to her credit my friend does compliment him on that. Don't get me wrong, he has his moments of madness and joins in with my friends ds's sometimes, but generally he just doesnt enjoy too much playfighting or being away from me. Without going into any detail at all about her, I dont agree with a lot of things my friend does, but I try and accept the way her kids are, even when mine gets hit or bullied occasionally. I dont get it at all. Ds is not a spoiled brat and neither do I wrap him up in cotton wool for God's sake. :( I was always confident in my approach before this all started.

Do you think I'm doing something wrong and is my friends style better

Well, I think it would be unfair to leave your ds in a rough situation if he really doesn't enjoy being boisterous. Every child is different, it doesn't sound to me like you've done anything wrong!

A friend of mine has a wildly different approach to child-rearing but I wouldn't ever tell her how to raise her children, that's just rude!

Your ds is sensitive, as far as I'm concerned that's a good thing. Carry on as you are, you can't force personality traits onto him. Some children are shy or reserved, it's normal.

I know which parenting I prefer. Keep up with the writing and reading. Sounds a bright child who will blossom when he is at school. While I think your friends children will bring lots of fuss from other parents who don't really want their children being bossed around.

I think the key point in your post is that you say you were confident before all this started. Your friend is undermining you, and decent friends shouldn't do that.

Kids are individual people and there is no 'right' or 'wrong' in the way either of you parent them.

Some people have a certain 'idea' of how boys and girls should behave. It sounds as though she thinks your boy needs 'toughening up' because hers are boisterous so she doesn't understand why yours isn't.

I've got 3 boys. The eldest and the youngest are both sporty and 'tough' in the sense they've always loved rough play and are very energetic.

My middle son couldn't be more different. He's never been into particularly rough play, he's not keen on sport and spends most of his time playing the violin, guitar and reading. Unlike the other two, he's also absolutely passionate about school and learning.

Just let anything she says go over your head as it seems she's quite blinkered when it comes to these things.

Really appreciate the messages so far. Have been feeling really shitty when we visit and ds isnt enjoying himself. Really need to be confident and get on with it.

That's exactly what she thinks, that ds needs toughening up. It's been brought to my attention that some people have certain views on how genders should behave.

Kids have their own personalities, your DS is a sensitive little boy because that's his personality, and you parent him in the right way for that, your friend needs to understand that just because her boys & yours are the same age they aren't going to behave in the same way, she's being a little naive if she thinks all childen are the same!

I have 3 boys to that are all very different.

Ds1 isnt boistrous at all and DH's step sister has a boy the same age.As 2/3 year olds her son was hideous to ds,a real little bully because she left him to it so I stopped taking him round there and would only see her in the evenings.Now they are 9 they are the best of friends and her ds is a real little gent and a pleasure to have round.

Sometimes you need to step back because no parenting technique is wrong from either of you but your children are very different.

To be honest, I dont think your ds needs toughening up, but hers need calming down! Toughening up your ds will require a certain level of unpleasant experiences on his part, calming down her fighting two will require a different level of involvement from her. So I can see why she would prefer to pick on your parenting rather than address her own.

Focus on your son, and building his confidence in his letters and his numbers, and by the time he is school age, the rest will come by itself, I suspect.

By then, your friend might have to address her own parenting style, whereas you can chill...

It sounds more like her style of parenting suits her children's personalities (regardless of the problems she may well have later on when they are branded bullies or naughty or destructive etc etc if she doesn't actually parent them and set boundaries for them) and your style suits your son's. They are different people - don't make you and your son miserable by trying to force yourselves to conform to your friend's ideal, it won't work.

Neither is right or wrong you parent to suit your child's needs and personality. I have two ds's and they are polar opposites and in many ways they can't be parented the same, what works for one doesn't the other.

I hate it when people attempt to turn quite sensitive little boys into boisterous types! But I agree with catsdontcare and several others - you have to adapt your parenting to suit your child. It can be quite hard when you have a child who goes against gender stereotype, because people apparently feel that little boys ought to be boisterous and little girls ought to be quiet. I tend to think that you have to go with the flow, and support your child to be the person they want to be. Occasionally, though, it's OK to encourage one's quiet child to try new things and one's boisterous child to sit down quietly and do a jigsaw, but just don't overdo it.

It sounds like your DS is just a sensitive soul and no amount of encouragement or coaxing is going to change that. He may grow out of it, he may not - it's nothing you've done, it's just his personality and that's A-OK!

I'm not going to make a judgement about whose parenting style is 'better' or if it's preferable to have extrovert or introvert children but I'll say that it's important that children learn to understand and accept the fact that there are different personalities out there. Perhaps she could be doing more to teach her children that your DS does not enjoy play fighting/ rough and tumble and that's ok. Maybe she could be encouraging them to play something they might all enjoy rather than trying to mould your son to be more like hers.

Sounds like you're doing a great job OP. I don't think you need to doubt yourself - your son sounds lovely too.

Agree with Quintessential Shadows!

Thanks everyone for all your input

really appreciated. Dont feel like crap so much anymore.

its finally ok to realise sensitive little boys arent 'not' normal lol .. if only I had stood up more for ds and just said, look he's not boisterous but that doesnt mean there's something wrong with him!