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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to keep DP company all the time

23 replies

Beaverfeaver · 20/05/2012 13:10

We are getting married in 6 weeks.

We have lived together for 7 years. I love my own space and having alone time.
DP doesn't understand and always wants to be with me and doing stuff together.
This is nice and I like that he wants to be with me, but I just like the odd day or evening where I don't have to keep him entertained:

We were away together last weekend for 4 days to celebrate our anniversary, and so this weekend I made sure I planned things with friends and my mum.

He said he was ok with this, but I was desperate for some time to myself yesterday so said I would pop to the shops.

He seemed a bit upset, but it was pure bliss for me.

Am I marrying the wrong person if I don't want to be with him every moment of the waking day?

OP posts:

CailinDana · 20/05/2012 13:12

YANBU, and to be honest it would worry me if he is not happy about you doing your own thing. When you say "he seemed a bit upset" what does that mean?

ChaoticismyLife · 20/05/2012 13:13

YANBU There are times I need some time alone. It's not a reflection on anyone else just a need I have. Maybe you could explain it like that to him, tell him it's not personal, you just occasionally need some alone time.

MadameMessy · 20/05/2012 13:22

Yanbu. Everyone needs time to themselves. Does he have any hobbies?

NameChangeaGoGo · 20/05/2012 13:24

My DH is like this. He resents it if I want time to myself and acts like a martyr. It has got worse since having DD. Nightmare.

HecateTrivia · 20/05/2012 13:24

It's very interesting that you talk about him wanting to be with you and do stuff together but then go on to say you want time when you "don't have to keep him entertained"

Why did you put it like that instead of saying you want time where you aren't doing stuff together? do you have to organise what you're doing together? decide it? is he passive? oh, whatever you want to do... Or does he decide but you feel like you are his entertainment?

If you don't sort this out - then imagine what kind of marriage you could end up being stuck in?

He needs hobbies and interests that don't include you. He needs to know that this is ok and actually brings a lot to a relationship. Imagine how dull it will be in 20 years when you are together all the time, do everything together - never to be able to give each other information or chat about something you've done - because the other one was right there too! You'll be sitting there in silence, watching tv, with nothing at all to say to one another.

You need to talk about this with him. He needs to understand that you wanting some time to yourself is not a rejection of him but you need to make it clear that you will ALWAYS want time to do your own thing and it isn't going to work if he is going to sulk or be upset about it.

HecateTrivia · 20/05/2012 13:25

And no - you are not marrying the wrong person if you don't want to be with them every minute of every day.

it isn't healthy to want that. It really isn't.

It's suffocating.

Empusa · 20/05/2012 13:27

YANBU, DH is also like that. It's quite difficult really.

GetTheeToANunnery · 20/05/2012 13:31

It's hard to say without knowing you both really.
Dp can be a bit like this and we did struggle when we first moved in together. We had many conversations about how I need my space sometimes, he didn't like it at first but I didn't give in and he soon got used to it. Now he also enjoys having that bit of time alone occasionally.

It doesn't mean you're marrying the wrong person though, it's perfectly healthy to want a bit of peace and quiet sometimes

HecateTrivia · 20/05/2012 13:32

I used to be like it.

It's insecurity. Or it was in my case. I feared he would realise he could do a lot better than me and leave me. I felt like if he wanted to be out, it wasn't that he wanted to do something, or have some time to himself/a mate - it was that he didn't want to be with me. Because he didn't want me.

I was always afraid that he would be in the pub and meet a beautiful woman and realise I'm revolting.

I think often at the heart of needing to be together all the time is actually a fear that if you let the other person out of your sight - they won't come back.

Now, I don't give a crap in fact, it's me booting him out of the house so I can have some peace and quiet, and I'm gadding all over the place doing my own thing and it is so much nicer to come home and exchange chat about what we've been up to than to be clinging to him like a limpit and pacing the floor on the rare occasions he managed to shake me off.

exoticfruits · 20/05/2012 13:41

I would talk a out it now. I have to have my own space for part of the week.

Oogaballoo · 20/05/2012 13:46

I am in exactly the same situation with my partner (except we're not getting married). At first it was nice that he liked doing things together, then it was a bit intense, and now I honestly feel depressed at the situation. We do everything together and I feel completely dependent on him- I used to be such a solitary, self-sufficient person, but now I hate the situation but am afraid of it changing at the same time.

It isn't healthy, no. He needs to have his own things to do and be able to deal with you doing the same. If you give in to his urge to spend all of your time together your other relationships will suffer. Mine have. It's horrible being in such a needy relationship for years and years.

sparkles281 · 20/05/2012 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Margerykemp · 20/05/2012 13:51

He sounds quite controlling tbh.

GreenDots · 20/05/2012 13:52

leave the bastard

Original poster

Beaverfeaver · 20/05/2012 13:52

My dad is also very much like this with my mum.

Il have to ask how she sorted it.

I am very honest with him and tell him how I feel.
He does listen.
He does have hobbies (photography/cars), but tries to include me.

OP posts:

PullUpAPew · 20/05/2012 13:54

Hi, I think the issue is how he is when you do stuff without him, it isn't a problem for him to be happy to spend more time with you, but he must allow you your own space.

My DH is quite a home body at the moment (hasn't always been this way) since he got a busy job and he wants to see the kids plus we live somewhere more rural and it's nicer at home.

But he doesn't mind me going out without him, it's just he isn't bothered for going out without me IYSWIM.

So I would say, YANBU to want your own space, your other half should be happy with you doing stuff on your own IMO.

HecateTrivia · 20/05/2012 13:57

So your dad is like this with your mum, and you went out and found a man who'll do the same to you? Because somewhere in the back of your mind, you think that it shows love?

You say your dad IS like this with your mum - doesn't that mean she hasn't managed to sort it?

How is he listening if he is still doing it? He may have heard the words, but is he listening? Is he willing to change? To let go a bit? To wave you off with a cheery "have a nice time" and be happy you're happy and be happy to do his own thing too?

Shakey1500 · 20/05/2012 14:01

I would find that absolutely stifling to be honest. And I would probably view my partner as "needy" which, in my book, isn't a very attractive quality.

whoknowsnotme · 20/05/2012 14:07

uh oh... this is me! i get a right shitty on if dh wants alone time after hes finished/got a day off work. prob because i get to see so little of him and have no other friends lol - didnt occur to me it was unreasonable! aibu is an educational tool!

confusedpixie · 20/05/2012 14:37

I'm like this to a certain extent with DP, but I realise this and do encourage him to do his own thing whilst lamenting my lack of ability to do the same! Being honest, he sounds insecure. Does he have any close friends that he could do with spending a bit more time with? Are there local groups to do with his interests?

My Dad is like this with my Mum, gets very very jealous when she goes out and does her hobby which she now does most weekends as she's so bored of staying home all of the time. He's told to get stuffed if she thinks he'll stay home with him but it took her over 20 years of marriage to do that!

I only realised because it was spending 24/7 with my ex (we lived/worked together) that doomed us from the start and I got so bored of saying and doing the same things all of the time as we had no other interests besides each other. It's really unhealthy and not fun!

growingbytheday · 20/05/2012 14:53

i have always had my own friends and interests as well as the couple/family thing and it has worked well-at least i thought it did until i read this post out to my dh. He tells me 'oh thats lovely, i wish we spent more time together to do stuff'. What? After 32 years he suddenly announces this and adds he always felt a bit left out especially when i started going on holiday with my best friend! I did that because he likes fishing holidays with his friends!!!!
FGS we still have TWO holidays a year together and see each other every night after work, we go out for meals etc and also have joint friends we socialise with. I am completely taken aback -i thought we were both happy and enjoying the freedom of dcs grown up-maybe its a mid life crisis thing???

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 20/05/2012 15:03

My first husband was like this, and he used to follow me to check up on me when I went anywhere without him too. I can remember being mortified in the hairdressers when the manageress commented on "who's that bloke? hes' been hanging around for ages, I wonder if I should call the police" and it was my then fiance, checking up to make sure I was actually in the hairdressers because he didn't believe me. I just wish I'd had the nerve and self belief to finish with him before we were married but I was very young and insecure, and my parents adored him because his parents were their friends and he was considered "suitable"

Helltotheno · 20/05/2012 15:46

Major red flag OP and you need to have a serious chat about this...

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