to choose my sister over his?

[Halfway]

Sorry, this is very long...

I am European, DH is African. We have been married a few years, love each other, no problems, baby on the way.

Both our families live overseas for the most part, with the exception of his sister who we see approximately monthly, very friendly but casual (odd restaurant dinner out together).

I get along with her casually, but keep getting the feeling she is trying to engage in some sort of power struggle with me whenever we get together. An example: insisting that the baby be given an African first name (he has father's African middle and last name, but our joint choice of European first name), and that it would be disrespectful to their culture otherwise. We stand firm and tend to deflect or distract the conversation.

My husband and I are very flexible with each other, and manage to come to agreeable terms on just about everything without any problem (so I'm normally not bothered by sister's comments), but our last meeting with her really shook me, and I'm not even really sure why as I'm sure I'm right.... or am I?

She asked us about would help with childcare after the baby is born. We have been considering paying my younger sister (free, single, would love the opportunity) to come spend a few months with us to help out, keep me company, and babysit when needed.

DH's sister said that this should be offered to their older sister (retired, single, would love the opportunity) first as she is older and according to their culture it would be disrespectful to not offer the opportunity to her first.

Without waiting for a response, she launched into a lecture in which she said I would have to learn these things if I expected to have a happy marriage, that I would have to respect their family's way of doing things, that she would not allow anyone to disrespect her older sister, etc. etc.

I replied that I understood our families had different ideas about the way things should be done, that I expected flexibility and understanding on both sides, and that the decision would be between me and DH.

She went on to say that she would not allow anyone to disrespect her family, and that her brother might marry 10 different women as far as she was concerned (I am his first/only wife), and he would still be her brother, and that the family's needs come first.

I felt a bit angry and attacked, and didn't really respond except to say that DH and I would come to an agreement and I was sure there wouldn't be a problem. DH had kept silent but started getting his coat on, so I followed suit and we left.

In the car we were fine, DH reaffirmed that he thought my sister was a better choice as I was the one who would be at home more often, and we would enjoy each others' company. I didn't say anything about how I felt because I was still trying to figure it out myself (whether I was over-sensitive/hormonal, etc).

I know that essentially we will carry on doing things as we please, and as DH and I agree on, but can't help feeling really irked by the conversation with his sister and can't put it out of my mind. Is it possible I am really doing something ignorant/harmful to the family? Or being selfish? Or am I well within my rights (especially as DH agrees)?

Sorry for the looooong post, but this is really bothering me, and I can't even really work out why.

YANBU to choose your sister to help with childcare, especially as your DH agrees it is the better option.

YANBU to be fed up of being lectured to.

I do think your DH should be speaking up more, supporting you. But you are right, this really shouldn't be bothering you. For the odd occasion you see her, nod, smile then forget.

If the sister is retired, unless early, could she meet the demands of a young child?

Anyway Yanbu, your sister i the logical choice as long as his family can see the child i think the sister in question was being a bit of a twunt.

You do what is best for you DH and DS her comments were unkind and unnecessary!

I think as long as you have your DH on side and he continues to support you, this is a non-problem. I mean - I understand completely why you're upset, and yes, she was seeing things entirely from the point of view of her family and her culture, but those are just her opinions - as long as your DH supports you, you're fine. You're not being selfish at all. Don't let her make you start to doubt yourself.

If you and DH agree and always find the best outcome, it doesn't matter that much. Just smile and wave :)

Also, just because I wasn't sure - are you going straight back to work? Is that why you need the childcare?

Doesn't sound like you are chosing your sister over yours, rather that you are doing what you want and what is best for you instead of what someone else is telling you to do.

Could your DH be more vocal next time? Does she.have.form for doing this? What was she like over your wedding!

His sister needs to keep her sticky beak out of what is yours and your dh's business. It makes total sense to have your sister - she is your family and therefore best placed to support you.

I think the time has come for your dh to tell his sister to back the fuck off mind her own business and stop telling you both what to do. Seems she thinks it's okay to utterly disrespect you.

I think you are right about the power struggle thing - if she was my sil, I would be very blunt and tell her that if she wants to be a part of our family, she will have to learn when to stfu back off.

I think your DH sister is forgetting that your DC is going to be the product of TWO cultures/families - your own family/cultural norms are just as valid, and yes, it is for you and your DH to sort out between yourselves - your sil shouldn't be trying to guilt-trip you like this.

Thanks for the comments all. I'm feeling really relieved and I think now what I really wanted was some reassurance that I'm not bad or selfish to be doing things the way we (me and DH) want, over preferences of wider family.

I didnt' want to discuss it more thoroughly with DH because I'm really not sure I'm not making a mountain of a molehill and just feeling over-emotional and pregnant (I am crying at the drop of a hat these days).

I'll be attempting to go back to work some months after birth, but on a very flexible part-timeish basis, so would be very handy to have someone close around until baby is a little bit bigger.

I think his sister is very defensive over what has (up until we got married) been a very close and exlusive relationship between her and her brother (she is single). And it does feel very much like a power struggle almost every time we see her.

I understand why she might feel this way and would like to try and help her through it somehow... but these lectures are making me feel increasingly stressed and defensive, and like I just want to avoid her. :( And then I start to question whether I'm being unreasonable.

Your sister over his. Dealing with a new baby and post pregnancy is all very overwhelming and you want to be surrounded by people who love you and respect your wishes.

FridayOLeary His sister didn't come to our wedding, but this was understandable as it was overseas (about half of my family and half of his family didn't come).

She is very disrespectful of you and your Dh, seeing she's the one who goes on about respect.
You need to get your Dh to tell her to leave you alone, it's not her baby and you and Dh and the baby are a family now, if she wants in she needs to be more respectful and stop telling you how things will be done.

I'm about as liberal as they come, but something really gets to me when people hold up the "disrespecting our culture" card in situations like this. It's emotional blackmail, plays on other people's guilt and is calculated to get people what they want. What about your culture? In this country, it's culturally-enshrined that parents decide what's best for their children. Why don't you ask her why she doesn't think that your culture is important? Perhaps she thinks you don't have one? I think you are being too understanding.

YANBU. Her attitude has nothing to do with culture and everything to do with being a rude beak-nose who needs to be put in her place (preferably by your DH).

You know what? You need to memorise this phrase (to be said with a totally neutral, 'I could be listening, I could be agreeing, I might not be, you'll never know' type facial expression') - 'Oh, right'.

It's so unbelievably useful. Let her say whatever she likes and just say, 'Oh, right'. I have never yet had a conversation end up in fisticuffs or arguments when using this answer.

It is not worth having the argument with her, because you won't win and no good will come of it. It's none of her business how you bring up your child, so let her have her say and then just do as you please. Whilst always responding to her instructions with, 'Oh, right'.

And it does feel very much like a power struggle almost every time we see her

Yup, sounds like it. I am the product of a similar relationship (European mother, African father) and I think the cultural references are a red herring, really. This is a power struggle. It would help if your DH told his sister to back off, but ultimately just ignoring it all should do the trick.

My parents had a similar thing. My father had a sister he was particularly close to, and she even lived with my parents for a short while. But she ended up causing a lot of problems and effectively forcing my father to choose. Of course, he chose his wife and didn't see his sister (her choice) for 25 years until we kids effected a reconciliation. Now she is desperately sad she missed out on all those years. Sadly, she is still playing her power games with their other siblings.

Based on that experience, I would say, don't budge on these decisions, and don't be AT ALL defensive about coming from another culture-it is after all just as valid as hers. How you and your husband balance those two cultures is completely your business, not hers.

YANBU.

You need to put her in her place. What's it got to do with her?

Don't back down.

I think you and your husband need to do what is best for you.

If she ever marries and has children then she can do what is best for her and what she feels is important to her.

IME, people who are most insistent that other people respect their cultural differences/consider other people/kick up the most stink about these sorts of things are the ones who, when in the same boat themselves, tend to forget all about it and do what is right for them personally. Which is how it should be.

It's one thing being 'aware' of cultural differences, but you also have your culture to consider and the joint culture that you and your husband have created and are bringing a your family into.

And yes, this has more to do with a power struggle than culture - that's just the vehicle she is using and one she's banking on it trumping anything you have to say.

Your DH ought to stick up for you in front of he, he should be the one saying 'well we have already made a decision on what we both think is best' etc etc.

She can say what she likes, as long as you are both happy doing what you feel is the right and best thing.

YANBU. Respect goes both ways, just like you said to her.

You need to pick your battles when you're in a mixed culture relationship. I think this one is worth fighting. The only thing I would say is that your DH needs to be a bit more vocal. It sounds as if she thinks you're pulling all the strings and that's why she keeps going on and on at you.

I think u need to tell your dh to grow a pair and stuck up for u in front of her.

I think u need to tell her to shut up and mind her own soddin business.

I think u should see her less.

Thanks everyone, I feel much more reassured. Was really starting to doubt myself. :)

I did have a chat with my husband today, and his stance is that he prefers to basically just ignore her and do his own thing, and that he thinks it would be better for everyone if I just did the same thing.

I can see a lot of wisdom in that, but at the same time I'm literally not sure I can sit there with my blood boiling and say nothing when she is lecturing me. Part of me also feels that the reason she continues the behaviour is because nobody ever calls her up on it.

In any case, I think we'll definitely be seeing less of her. Thanks again for all the support.