to have a complete about-face about the notion of being a SAHM?

[slaveofsolitude]

After I has DS1 I really dreaded going back to work and desperately wanted to be a SAHM. I had quite enjoyed my maternity leave (well the latter 6 months of it once the early baby stage was out the way) and could see myself quite happily being at home with him. My DH would have supported me to stay at home.

Despite feeling this way I returned to work at the end of my maternity leave because it was the sensible thing to do - financially speaking, professional career which would be hard to get back into after long gap blah-de-blah.... I really hated being back at work, missed my DS loads, felt like a fish out of water in the office and was really just waiting until I had another DC, after which, I thought, I will definitely become as SAHM.

Fast forward a few years, DS is now 4yo and DD is 10months and this time I am really looking forward to going back to work. I no longer want to be a SAHM. I'm sure I'll miss the children when I'm back at work and it will be tiring to juggle it all, but I really feel so differently about it all this time. A complete 180 degree change in my perspective on it.

I've never really had such a radical change of mind about anything before. It's made me wonder if I can trust myself iykwim.

Fwiw, I've tried to rationalise it to myself though and I think my feelings have changed for the following reasons:

1. The novelty of being a parent has worn off a bit;
2. Two children is a lot harder than one (for me);
3. Don't much like all the domestic jobs;
4. I feel a bit claustrophobic being in and around the house all the time;
5. I have a great new job; and
6. I feel it is unfair on my DH to bear the sole financial responsibility for the household ( I wouldn't want to, so why should he?).

There are probably other reasons but these are the main ones. I suppose it makes sense, but I feel a bit embarassed as I was certainly made high drama about going back to work last time...and now, well, I actually cannot wait to go back.

Anyone else done a total about face on this issue?

(Sorry, maybe this should have been on Chat rather than AIBU...)

Just go back to work just slide into it dont mention your high dramtics people wont remember

Why embarrassed?

We all decided things at different stages of ours and our children's lives.

If you're happy to go back to work then do so, but don't feel embarrassed about changing your mind.

Top marks for honesty and self awareness. YANBU.

YANBU at all. Circumstances change, we get older, 2 DCs is hard work etc. Nothing wrong with your thinking at all.

New job is with new employer so it will be a fresh start from that perspective.

I suppose I feel embarassed as I used to bend everyone's ear about how staying at home was the best thing for DC1 and for us as a family and now I feel that totally the opposite is true: the best thing is for me to go back. I also think I would get depressed if I didn't (already had patches of this during mat leave). I also feel really energised about work, my new job and my long-term career - I never thought I would say that again!

Yes me! Dc3 was not planned but we were happy to add another child to our family. I saw one of the many positives of having another child was the 9 month mat leave.
I had notions that everything would be much easier with me being home full time and that I would have lots of time to devote to baby and my school age children. In my head my house was beautifully clean and tidy all the time and I would spend all day with children.
Fast forward to now, my ds is 6 months and although I love being with him everything else gets in the way. Everything takes twice as long and the relentlessness of having 3 children and and a house to run is harder than I ever imagined.
I am looking forward to going back to work part time now and even sometimes fantasise about going back full time and hiring a nanny

YANBU

I did the opposite - was sure I would go back to work, thought it was important for the DCs to have a working mum role model etc etc - and was taken by surprise by how much I love being a SAHM. Six years and three kids later, I do still intend to return to work sometime...!

Whatever works for you and your family

I very nearly took a job when dd2 was 10 months. That stage is just so hard. I felt like a failure every day. I would start clock watching at 4.30 wairing for dh to be home at 7, struggling to fill the time when i had nothing left to give. Dd2 would grizzle continually if put down but I needed to cook dinner for dd1. It was awful but I gritted my teeth and am now glad I didn't. It it was very close, they wanted ne to work at least 4 days and I wanted to do three but if they had backed down I would have taken it!
Within 4 months everything was so much easier and I began to enjoy it.

Good for you. The thing is, no one knows if they're suited to SAHM-dom until they try it. Until I had DC1 I was sure it was right for me. Wrong!

Yes- I pretty much did a u turn like you. I gave up my job when we had dd 1, primarily because I couldn't face the prospect of leaving dd in childcare and I also didn't have a lot of confidence that I could juggle working and everything else. I wasn't unhappy at home, I was perfectly content, but then when dd turned 2, I started her at some nursery sessions because I felt she needed it, and I realised that actually, much as I'd enjoyed being at home, I would enjoy having a work aspect to my life too. I began doing some bits of part time work in my old field, and gradually built up. When ds came along, I took 8 months maternity leave and returned to work- I realised that the PFB stuff I'd felt first time around was really about ME, and my feelings of worry rather than how it would be for my child

So yes- a u turn here. I do count myself lucky that I got back into my career after a 2 year break: I know many women struggle.

Do I regret how I did things first time round? Well, no, because I wasn't unhappy as a SAHM, and also, as I say, I was fortunate that I managed to resume my career without too much of a drop in salary. If I hadn't got back into work so quickly , then I probably would regret having handed in my notice after dd. I also feel that although I had 2 years as a SAHM , dd would have been just as fine if I'd worked. Dd and ds are now a lot older and there is no difference between them in terms of confidence etc. I also think that like you op, I am pleased that dh is not sole earner, I think although many men don't voice their anxiety, it's not a great place to be particularly with the world as it is these days. I wouldn't like the pressure of being the only one bringing in the money so I can understand why many men don't either (although dh never personally voiced that concern and said he was ok with me being at home )

5. I have a great new job.

If you were returning to work in a call centre/wiping old people's bottoms I doubt if you'd be so enthusiastic.

Gramercy - undoubtedly true.

Snap! I always had to work but really really resented it, wanted to stay at home, and couldn't wait to have my second child so i coukd have a year off with them! Now second child is eight months and I'm really looking forward to going back! Exactly the same reasons as you too! YANBU

I went the other way- I was kind of forced into being a SAHM as we relocated when I was pregnant with DD2. I spent 2 years as a SAHM to 2 kids, and enjoyed it but couldn't stop that niggling feeling that I was missing out, that there was 'more to life', that I had failed, that I'd never be able to find a job again...

We were also skint. So I put all my effort into finding a job, was so chuffed when I got this one, in the city, impressive sounding job title, part time (weekends though). And guess what, after a year I hate it and want to be a SAHM again!

The grass is always greener I guess.

I went the other way- I was kind of forced into being a SAHM as we relocated when I was pregnant with DD2. I spent 2 years as a SAHM to 2 kids, and enjoyed it but couldn't stop that niggling feeling that I was missing out, that there was 'more to life', that I had failed, that I'd never be able to find a job again...

We were also skint. So I put all my effort into finding a job, was so chuffed when I got this one, in the city, impressive sounding job title, part time (weekends though). And guess what, after a year I hate it and want to be a SAHM again!

The grass is always greener I guess.

Life should be reassessed constantly. People who make a decision ad then stick to it in the face of it clearly not working are fools.

Dogs see in black and white, humans are menat to have more intelligence...

I'm exactly the same. I think I've decided it's all for the same reasons you've given too. I've also realised i don't feel like an individual adult human without work, which really suprised me. I've even been offered a big redundancy payout and refused it, they'll have to drag me out. Yet I'm a work to live kind of person.

Being on maternity leave second time round just made me miserable and i'm really quite a lentil weaver type parent.

With DD1 at first I thought that being at home was great, and what a shame I had to go back to work - about 4 months in the walls started closing in. I missed her like mad, but loved being back at work. With DD2 I knew it would be fine, and it was.

Some people are just not cut out to be SAHMs. Doesn't make them bad parents. Some people are cut out to be SAHMs. Doesn't make them sponges/wastes of space/living off their hubbies/lazy.
We all just do the best we can and if the children mine hang with are anything to go by (mix of working and non-working mums) we all do pretty much OK. Good mums come in many flavours. (If anyone is interested mine is chocolate, all donations appreciated )

Very true about some mums being suited to being a SAHM. I was sort of forced into it, and have had some challenging times when I've seriously regretted it. Having said that, DCs are now 3 and 5 and it's all so much easier.

At least if you do return to work and after a year or so decide it's not for you, you (and your DH) can decide whether it's best for you to carry on or not. It's much easier to go from being a WOHM to SAHM than the other way round.

And as somebody mentioned upthread, circumstances and your feelings change and you're absolutely right to adjust to them.

Thanks for all the replies. It's good to hear that I'm not the only one to have done a complete u-turn on this issue.

One other main reason I think my views have changed is that I have seen how fast DS is growing up (about to start school) and, already, is so much more independent. It's made me start to think how children do (and should) move away from their parents and how it is important to me to have a world of my own away from them (my own mum never did and I remember, as a teenager, wishing that she did). For now, that means the world of work for me, although it might be something else as life moves on.